Since some of you appreciated my instructions over the summer on how to pick berries with a 3-year-old, I decided to share my most recent experience in the name of Educational Information.
How To Buy A Christmas Tree With A Preschooler & A Kindergartener
1. On the 1st below-30-degree day of the season after 2 weeks of holiday travel and a husband M.I.A. due to the busiest work period of the year, select today as the day to surprise your kids with Christmas tree shopping when you pick the 3.5yo girl and 5.5yo boy up from school.
2. Tell them you have a BIG SURPRISE for them.
3. Bring them home, get them both to pee without totally removing all their clothes*, re-bundle them up, grab snacks & water, all while batting away screeches of delight and nagging inquiries as to what this surprise could possibly be (“is Santa here? are we getting a cookie? are we going to the airport? is Max & Ruby on? are we going to the Lego store?”).
* Why must kids get naked to urinate? Why??
4. Get them back in the truck, buckled in.
5. Try not to go deaf during the drive to charity Christmas Tree sale.
7. Pull out camera, gloves, measuring tape.
8. Hop out of the truck, swinging open the back door with a made-up-on-the-spot-song about how HUGE a tree you’re gonna get this year.
9. Look over your shoulder.
10. Realize it doesn’t open for another 3 hours.
11. Get back in the truck.
12. Drive weeping children back home.
13. Unbundle them, placate them with another annoying episode of Max & Ruby in the family room for her, G-Force (for the 600th time) in the basement for him.
16. Wipe tears.
18. Beg for mercy and swear on your life they can buy the biggest damn tree in the place if they Just. Stop. Whining.
19. Wait 3 hours.
20. Make them pee (again).
21. Bundle them up (again).
22. Put them in the car with snacks & waters (again).
23. Call friend to meet you there.
24. Drive to charity Christmas Tree sale (again).
25. Confirm they are open, finally cheering the kids back up.
26. Tell them you need Two Special Helpers to pick the Christmas tree out.
27. Explain to 3.5yo that you can’t buy the wooden sign in the shape of a tree or the tree painted on the side of the trailer.
28. Watch 3.5yo stomp her foot and pretend to cry over inability to buy trees that aren’t actually tress until Old Dude who works there and has experience with ornery grandchildren distracts her.
29. Lose the 5.5yo amidst the trees.
30. Find the 5.5yo.
31. Ask for the tall trees.
32. Lose the 3.5yo while walking towards the tall trees.
33. Find the 3.5yo.
34. Quietly threaten both children that if they run off again they will not get a Christmas tree.
35. Silently pray you don’t have to actually follow through on this threat.
36. Feel a twinge of guilt asking 2 Old Dudes volunteering there to heave a couple 9+ foot-tall trees up so you can fully inspect the suckers** before choosing one.
** The trees, not the Old Dudes.
37. Hear the sobs of your 5.5yo who is insisting he “HATE that tree” and wants one of the stacked and bound trees not on display.
38. Watch 3.5yo try to spear herself with a wrought iron tree stand.
39. Act all excited about the tree you have chosen in an attempt to round-up unruly kids, asking Old Guys to hold it up to take a photo of the kids in front of it.
40. Watch the kids both start crying and yelling that they want different trees while running in opposite directions.
41. Tell the frightened Old Dudes “we’ll take it” with a forced smile on your lips.
42. Watch 5.5yo stop crying quickly enough to maneuver himself behind the high school volunteers who are now trying to chainsaw the tree trunk and almost get himself hacked to bits.
43. Grab 5.5yo.
44. Lose sight of 3.5yo (again).
45. See friends coming.
46. Find 3.5yo when she dashes from behind a display of Douglas Firs to join their friends.
47. Finally see the kids cheer up when all 4 of them start making fun of you in unison.
48. Walk away from annoying kids to pay for tree.
49. Try not to pass out at the price of a 10′ Christmas tree.
50. Distract kids with piles of leaves while high schoolers take foooooreeeeeveeer to tie the tree to the roof of the truck.
51. Tell the kids “its time to get in the truck!” and watch 3.5yo refuse to go home with you.
52. Have no problem allowing friend to drive 3.5yo in her car back to your house because she’s a pain in the ass, anyway.
52. Get 5.5yo in truck.
54. Watch high schoolers climbing all over car, seeming unsure of what they are doing.
55. Offer to help.
56. Be told “I totally know what I’m doin’, man”.
57. Contemplate the meaning of being called a man, yet again. Make New Year’s Resolution to not get mistaken for A Man in 2011.
58. Accidentally give the high schoolers the $20 bill instead of the $10 bill when tipping.
59. Curse under your breath in the car about the over-tip.
60. Have 5.5yo with apparent Super Sonic Hearing ask what that word meant.
61. Tell him it was an accident, “we don’t say that word”.
62. Have him tell you “but you just did”.
63. Change the topic.
64. Drive home, down to one kid.
65. Open garage door remotely, almost pulling in with a tree on your roof.
66. Slam on breaks so as to not crush newly-purchased tree or garage door trim.
67. Park car in driveway, wait for friend to meet you there.
68. Go directly into the house for wine with your friend, I mean to let the kids play.
69. Eat, drink, play, drink, eat more, chat, let the kids play more, ooops did we almost finish that whole bottle of red wine?
70. Break out some serious gingerbread man decorating skillz.
71. See that it’s time for your friend to go home, down the block.
72. Ask her to watch kids for a minute.
73. Walk out to the driveway with shears in hand.
74. Cut off the ties on the tree, climb up on rear bumper and yank with all your might and 160lbs of Pure Aggravation to get tree off truck’s roof.
75. Wonder whether the tree actually weighs more than you.
76. Be glad the driveway light isn’t working so none of your neighbors can see you making an ass out of yourself in public (again).
77. Drag tree into the garage.
78. Send off your friend.
79. Bathe kids, dress kids, read to kids, kiss kids, tuck kids in.
80. Soak up the silence of the house for exactly 30 seconds before getting back to business.
81. Get tree stand and floor mat from the massive piles of holiday decor loaded in guest bedroom.
82. Set up tree stand and floor mat in family room.
83. Go back to garage.
84. Drag 10′ tree by yourself through the garage, up the steps, down the hall, through the kitchen, down the step, to the end of the family room.
85. Take a deeeeep breathe and heave the tree upright into the strand all on your own.
86. Do all sorts of funky yoga-esque poses while turning the mile-long tree stand screws into the tree so it doesn’t fall through the bay window/into the fireplace/onto your frail and exhausted body.
87. Shove the tree into the center of the room, cutting off all the netting.
88. Tentatively poke at tree a couple times to ensure it is stable.
89. Water tree.
91. Sweep more.
92. Remember how much you hate pine needles.
93. Sweep again.
94. Take a shower, scraping off the sap on your hands and pine needles in your hair.
95. Pull out all the tree lights then decide Screw This, it can wait til the morning.
96. Watch tv.
97. Go to bed.
98. Wake up pretty darn sore.
99. Shower, prep breakfast, get the kid’s school backpacks ready, lay out their clothes, write down your To Do list.
100. Get the kids out of bed.
101. Crankily rub aching lower back while following the kids downstairs to the kitchen.
102. Be stopped in your grumbly tracks by their silent awe*** as they first see the Christmas tree all set up.
***Since the kids are rarely silent, this lack of noise momentarily confuses you.
103. Almost get knocked over when hit with two running hugs from two totally delighted kids.
104. Grin genuinely ear to ear thinking about how much fun this is.
105. Wrap half a dozen strings of lights around tree without falling off ladder, through bay window, into yard.
106. Let the kids hang a big box full of ornaments you love dearly and have had for years, barely cringing whenever (yet another) one crashes to the hardwood floor.
107. Crank up the Apple tv iTunes Holiday song mix you created and dance while your little elves put their finishing touches on the most beautiful tree you’ve ever seen.
108. Even if all the ornaments only go about 1/4 of the way up.
109. Forget about the sore back, the sappy hands, the mild hangover, the pine needles, the lights that need to be hung outside, the shopping list, the enormous Christmas To Do List hovering over your head, and the general state of disarray of the house around you and only see a the sweet rosy flush of excitement on the two most important people in the world as they bask in a simple joy of the holiday season.