“Don’t glue your brother! I MEAN it!” Most days you give a crap. You really do. You make sure no one does anything that could directly lead to bleeding from the ears or grand larceny. You don’t Helicopter Parent—who has the energy for that, anyway?—but you spew a nonstop stream of dialogue at the kids […]
The Cheerleader
There’s always at least one of us at every kids’ sports game or match. Yes, we are loud and enthusiastic. Yes, our voices carry. Yes, our hands clap particularly loudly. Yes, the whole gym/court/field can hear us rooting for our kid’s team, our kids, their teammates. We are aware of all of this. Your discomfort […]
No I Am Not Afraid for My Son
I keep seeing a very specific kind of fear in the comment sections of posts all over social media and on articles that address believing women who speak up about being hurt by men, or anything to do with the idea of feminism—which is simply the idea that all genders are equal, and should be […]
I Will Not Always Get to Do This
I look over to my right and see her eyes are closed. Gently, I lean over, confirming that her usually wildly expressive face and chatty mouth have gone soft with sleep. It crept in at some point during the movie while I was distracted, pressing on her until she couldn’t fight anymore, urging her to […]
People Who Should Not Have Kids (According to the Internet This Week)
I learn a lot from comment threads on the internet. Helpful things, like recipes, books my kids might like to read, how I shouldn’t be a mother. Stuff like that. I figured you might be busy today, so I scrolled through some of the things commenters have said in various comment threads on articles about […]
I Was Calm and Reasonable: A Christmas Tree Story
I was calm and reasonable. Our fully-decorated 10′ tree fell overnight, but I kept calm. I made sure the kids knew the ornaments were only “things,” and I’d take care of the mess. I’d save as much as I could. I’d be careful not to get cut on the glass littering the living room. Then […]
The Value of a Quarter
Summer break was barely a couple weeks along, but she had been begging for permission to run a lemonade stand since the bell rang on the last day of school. I agreed to Saturday afternoon, if it was sunny—not stifling—out. The day came and I followed through on my promise, despite not really being up for the labor, […]
54 Things To Do Before Having Kids
I don’t know whether you’ve ever heard this before, but parenthood changes a few things about your life. Not, like, everything. I mean, you’re still human beings who breathe and stuff after you have some offspring. But preeeetty much everything else changes—at least for a while. As a card-carrying member of the Yep, I Procreated […]
A Calm, Reasoned Argument For and Against Eating Your Cute Fat Baby
The following is based on an actual conversation about eating babies. Don’t act like you haven’t had one of those. Jeff has questions. I have facts. Let’s see where this goes—I’ll let him start. JEFF: Seriously, what the hell is it with you people and eating babies? Look, I like eating and I like kids. […]
Homework I Can Actually Help My Kids With
I can’t be the only one who thought she was of at least average intelligence all her life, only to be bitch-slapped with the cold harsh reality of elementary school homework. Once my kids are in middle school? I. Am. Screwed. Like what you see? Subscribe today & follow on Facebook!