I try my best to reply to every comment someone leaves for me online.
Over the years, I have discovered that it can be easier said than done, because—did you know this?—anyone can get on the Internet and start spewing things.
And lots of those people have their heads up their asses.
When it comes to the tricky, the creepy, or the downright mean, I have a cheat sheet that helps me decide what to say. I’m sharing it below in the hopes it helps you, should someone break out in a case of douchbaggery on your blog or Facebook page anytime soon. Enjoy!
The Holier-Than-Thou Asshole/Judgy McJudgerton
WOW. You have opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking. I cannot express how deeply I appreciate you explaining how very wrong I am about absolutely everything always. I shall now discard decades of life experience and contemplation so I may move forward in any direction you point, because—clearly—you know better than me. I bow to thee . . . Oh Wise One! The World Wide Web is so lucky to have you!!!
The One That Condescendingly & Publicly Points Out a Typo
Tanx soh mutch fer publicklee poynteng thaht owt. Haw imbarasseng!
The Blog-to-Blog Salesman
Your comment seemed so genuine, that I barely noticed the seventy-five-character-long URL you pasted at the end of it in an attempt to point my readers to your ranty blog/overpriced online store/boring Facebook page full of loneliness, which has absolutely nothing to do with the topic we’re all discussing here. Tell me, how did you learn such tact? Also, is your favorite snack Spam?
The Aggressive Emoticonner
The complexity of your comment make me J, but I’m not sure what exactly you said because I was never formally trained in hieroglyphics. Please send a decoder ring to my P.O. box immediately, so I can figure out whether you are a fan or a troll. Thank you! (I think.)
The Bully
Yes, I am ugly and my Mama dresses me funny; my husband will eventually leave me when he realizes that I am secretly a total bitch; my kids will rack up millions in therapy bills because of everything I say online; and cobblestones do quite often break under my giant, hairy feet. Thanks for reading my work so regularly that you know me so well. It’s always so nice to meet a real fan of my work!
All very well played. Ellen