Currently my work has been published in eleven books. They are available in all the usual places you like to buy books!
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I am currently focused on getting my first young adult and middle grade novels out into the world, so stay tuned.
FICTION (I LOVE THIS STUFF)
Romance. Drama. Action. Hope.
In this collection of twenty-one short stories spanning from contemporary settings to fantastical lands, you will meet a troubled teenager, fallen princess, reunited lovers, superheroes, creatures from afar, and more. Funny, sexy, macabre, and heart wrenching, there’s something for everyone woven into these tales.
What Readers Are Saying About PART OF MY WORLD:
“Sensual and surprising, inspired and humorous, PART OF MY WORLD is a magic carpet ride through Kim’s wildly creative imagination, and you’ll beg for the ride not to end.”
– Beth Teliho, author of ORDER OF SEVEN
Teachers have an impossibly hard job. We expect them to do everything! Educate our kids, tie their shoes, facilitate their arguments, grade their papers, sharpen their pencils, and more!
And when a teacher isn’t doing all these things, they’re usually taking continuing education, coming up with lesson plans, figuring out new technology, answering student and parent emails, and buying supplies for the classroom. All without anyone really noticing.
That’s why we wanted to write a book that celebrates the teachers who made an impact on us. This book is a thank you to the teachers who made a difference in our lives and in our children’s lives.
This year has shown us that the future is decidedly female. While raising daughters has perhaps never been simple, it is growing more complex by the day. In a parenting age that often tells young girls that they are somehow “less than,” one award-winning publisher decided to assemble a collection of voices to celebrate the girls in our lives. These are those stories.
You Do You is the sixth book in the New York Times bestselling I Just Want to Pee Alone series, which has tackled a variety of topics since 2012 – including parenthood, relationships, and the cult of female perfection – all with a broad range of voices, from the cynical, to the ugly-cry, to the outright hilarious. YOU DO YOU is a love-fest for the females in our lives.
“I was born a ghost girl. Colorless and silent, I floated into my family and settled in place at the end of the line. It didn’t take long for me to understand that my invisibility was a gift.”
– Kim Bongiorno in This One Is for the Ghost Girls
But Did You Die? is a collection of terrible (but also kind of good) parenting advice from some of the funniest moms and dads on the ‘net.
And that one super helpful childless friend we all have who loves to tell us we’re parenting wrong. Put your kids in front of the TV and let them eat junk while you read this book and laugh your tail off.
We set the bar low so you can feel better about your parenting skills.
“On steamy summer days when my friends were riding bikes to the corner store to buy PopRocks and Pepsi, I was tapping thigh-sized eggplants to check for ripeness, while ankle-deep in petrified ancient chicken poo. I spent hours in that garden watching sweet peppers bloom and delicate string beans dangle in the hot breeze, while swatting away flittering bugs investigating the speckled green bowl of zucchini under my arm and wondering how I’d ever find a boy who liked me when I was the weird girl who always smelled a little bit like the special plant food my mom made from eggshells and used coffee grinds.”
– Kim Bongiorno in My Cooking Lessons Smelled Like Darwinism and Old Chicken Poop
I Just Want to Be Perfect brings together 37 hilarious and relatable essays that showcase the foibles of ordinary women trying to be perfect. As women, we are constantly inundated with “helpful” and/or “ah-may-zing” tips to improve our looks, please our men, raise the next Einstein (in a wheat-free, dairy-free, and sugar-free environment), and feng shui the crap out of our homes. Whether it’s the hot new diet that involves only eating what you can forage from the floor of your minivan, bleaching everything from your hair to your teeth to your butt hole, or clearing your clutter by mindfully thanking your ratty underwear for its long, dedicated service before you toss them, we’ve all tried something to be more perfect. We all try strive for perfection and balance in our lives, and most of us fail–spectacularly. These are those stories.
“This is how I found out the hard way it’s rather difficult to hide a busted butthole.”
– Kim Bongiorno in I Tried to Be the Perfect Mom Friend but My Butt Got in the Way
Motherhood is STILL the toughest – and STILL the funniest – job you’ll ever love. We know that raising kids is hard work. The pay sucks, your boss is a tyrant, and the working conditions are pitiful – TGIF means nothing to a mother!
You said it before and you’re saying it again, “I STILL just want to pee alone!”
I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone is ANOTHER collection of hilarious and heartwarming essays from 40 MORE of the most kick ass mom bloggers on the web, including: People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Bad Parenting Moments, Let Me Start By Saying, and The Sh*tastrophy.
“Everything I needed to know about being a terrible mom, I learned from my Nana.”
– Kim Bongiorno in How to Be a Terrible Mom
The second volume in the best-selling I Just Want to Pee Alone series! Don’t get us wrong, we love the men in our lives – we do (most of the time). It’s just that sometimes we would like them to go away. Not forever or anything like that.
Just for an hour … or a day … or a weekend.
We want some time to ourselves to read a good book or take a walk or do anything other than try to make a dent in the never ending mound of dirty clothes that keeps piling up on his side of the bed.
We just want to be alone. All alone. Is that too much to ask?
“Let me tell you a little story about love.”
– Kim Bongiorno in Love a Broad
Motherhood is the toughest – and funniest – job you’ll ever love. Raising kids is hard work. The pay sucks, your boss is a tyrant, and the working conditions are pitiful – you can’t even take a bathroom break without being interrupted with another outrageous demand.
Hasn’t every mother said it before? “I just want to pee alone!”
I Just Want to Pee Alone is a collection of hilarious essays from 37 of the most kick ass mom bloggers on the web.
Including: People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Insane in the Mom-Brain, The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva, Baby Sideburns, and Rants From Mommyland.
“I wanted a wrap. I’d settle for a massage. If I were home, I’d cancel the appointment and wait for exactly what I wanted. Actually, if I was home I’d be elbow-deep in someone else’s poop, so I bucked up and accepted the offer of a body scrub. I used to like to try new things, and, really, how bad could it be?
We walked into the adjoining room, and what stood before me looked like a waterboarding platform for starfish.”
– Kim Bongiorno in The Naked Starfish
(Mostly) true tales by women, for women, about being women—bodily changes, relationships, careers, motherhood, aging, illness, and more. We’re revealing our deep dark secrets—because it’s through our most vulnerable and honest moments that we forge the strongest connections. You have a gimpy boob? Me too. You think glitter is the herpes of the craft world? Me too! You got your fishnet-clad leg stuck to your head on stage in front of thousands of people? Wait…what? OMG. Tell me everything! We are your friends, sisters, mothers, and daughters. Regardless of what life has dished up for you, chances are, we’ve been there and we can relate. We’ll help you laugh it off, or hold your hand until you’re ready to laugh again. And we’ll always tell you when you have lipstick on your teeth.
“A candle flickered by the sink, adding sweetness to the spit-up scented air that was getting punched in the face by a diaper change…”
– Kim Bongiorno in Then I Asked: What Should I Know About Having a Kid?
Put it on your WANT TO READ shelf via: GOODREADS • BOOKBUB
Unless, of course, you have whiny, screaming children demanding presents, attention, and a personal appearance by Santa or Judah the Maccabee. Then you’re screwed.
But wait, there’s hope: Scary Mommy Guide to Surviving the Holidays to the rescue! From relatable, hilarious essays on everything from the Santa myth to being seated at the dreaded kids’ table, to easy-to-follow recipes that might include just a little something special to take the edge off (can anyone say Kahlua?), to fun and accessible gift ideas, this book is your ticket to peace of mind—and a laugh—during the busy, crazy holiday season!
“29. Lose the 5-year-old amidst the trees.
30. Find the 5-year-old.
31. Ask for the tall trees.
32 .Lose the 3-year-old while walking towards the tall trees.
33. Find the 3-year-old.
34. Gently remind children that if they run off again they will not get a Christmas tree, or presents, or joy.
35. Silently pray you don’t have to actually follow through on that.”
– Kim Bongiorno in How to Buy a Christmas Tree with a Preschooler and a Kindergartener
Get your copy now via: PAPERBACK • KINDLE • ITUNES • NOOK • KOBO
This is a collection of often embarrassing-but-true stories by people who happen to be really great storytellers: from tales about exploding hair caked in Final Net and flaming Lee Press-On nails, to one contributor’s story about her on-going tumultuous relationship with pool boys. Fifty Shades of Funny offers up unconventional and often prickly pairings, like one writer’s harrowing relationship with her mother’s horrendous hairdo, and a consuming obsession-confession from a man who explores life, death and his love and desire for a popular snack-cake, Little Debbies–a tart in more ways than one. There is also a comical confession from a cougar-in-training, and one man’s transgression with a “woman in a box” that he bought at a store. This book isn’t just soup for your soul. It’s filling enough to bust a gut.
“One typical Friday night I found myself on the couch, stroking my cats while eating out of a box of Cap’n Crunch. Before turning on the TV, I asked my brother if he cared whether I put on the PJs that had the hole in the crotch. His silent expression was all I needed to see: It was time to start dating again.”
– Kim Bongiorno in Shock and Soy Sauce
Put it on your WANT TO READ shelf via: GOODREADS • BOOKBUB
AWESOME TWEETNESS YOU WANT TO GET YOUR HANDS ON
A follow-up to THE BIG BOOK OF PARENTING TWEETS.
Venturing deep into the Twitterverse in search of even more hilarity, we discovered more than FIFTY of the funniest comedians who just happen to be parents.
Together with still more of Science of Parenthood’s signature cartoons and special “behind the tweets” stories, Book Two is BIGGER, it’s BOLDER, and gosh darn it, people LIKE it!
“The perfect book for parents who want–NEED–to laugh, but don’t have time to sit down and read a daunting book. Grab it, head to the bathroom and lock the door until they find you!” — Jill Smokler, author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy
“My kids don’t always cough in my mouth, but when they do, they have a contagious viral infection, and I have big plans three to seven days in the future.”
– Kim Bongiorno @LetMeStart
MY FIRST FULL-LENGTH YA NOVEL
I wrote a YA novel. It’s pretty awesome. I’m writing a MG book, too. Also awesome. If you are a literary agent interested in discussing my upcoming queries, please read this or contact me at TheKimBongiorno@Gmail.com.
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