Toasting My Boobs

I hope someday we can all eat bagels after our Mammograms

I don’t think about my boobs much. Unless I’m rolling them up from their natural Worn Gym Sock state and strategically forming each of them back into something that Resembles a Boob in one of my expensive bras that give the illusion of perkiness. Or when they are grabbed by my kids in an attempt […]

Exhale

Exhale by Kim Bongiorno

I knew it when I opened my bedroom door that morning. The air was thick.  Like inhaling anger. I tied my robe a bit tighter at the waist, and went to the kitchen. My brother cast me a look from the table.  He’s still here, it said. But my appointment’s today.  Is it still on? […]

Present

I like stuff. I have been told many times that I am easy to shop for.  If you can’t figure out what kind of gift I would like to receive after knowing me for more than a week and seeing my home at least once, you’re clearly an idiot. What also makes shopping for me […]

Boobs & Burglars

Today a bunch of people are gonna check out my rack. A twinge, an odd sensation, and my OB/GYN made me an appointment for a mammogram and a breast ultrasound.  With the new family history*, anything out of the ordinary at all makes her furrow her brow and send me to Radiology. *I’m calling it […]

She’s Got My Back

The family history went from One Expected Diagnosis to What The Hell Is Going On? in a matter of months. The medical records went from No Need To Look to We Should Probably Look Everywhere in a matter of months. The doctors are searching me all over just to be sure.  Ultrasounds, x-rays, blood samples, […]

As I Stomp My Feet

Don’t I get to have a bad day? Don’t I get to whine and tattle and pout and stomp my feet? My day started in the middle of the night.  I watched a great new show The Walking Dead last night, which filled my dreams with zombies and death.  Which of course woke me up […]

Oh No, She’s an Angry Faux Cop

Yeah the 'cuffs are real.  Don't make me use 'em.

Since I’ve been mistaken for a man enough times to make me ask my gynecologist for a gender confirmation letter as proof, I just went with the theme for this year’s Halloween costume. Think: NYPD Meets Reno 911! Meets SAHM I should have worn this costume again today when calling my insurance company.  I shoulda […]