There is a violent splatter of pasta sauce on my kitchen ceiling. I have four loads of bath towels and ten sets of bedding to wash. About six of my wedding crystal wine glasses are shattered, sitting in black garbage bags by the curb. The fridge in the garage is chock-full of catering food I […]
The Two Words I Say to My Kids Every Day
It was a cranky morning. I hustled my kids out of bed, into breakfast, into clean clothes, into backpacks, into the car, the whole while on a diatribe of epic proportions about not listening, being late, how they’re old enough to understand what’s expected of them. Blah blah blah. Nag nag nag. I was sick […]
The Treasures They Hold
Most parents spend their days collecting moments. Like multi-tasking beach combers, we keep an eye on the waves crashing towards us as we reach down to grab big, rippled clam shells in perfect form; bits of bleached coral; rare folds of smooth green sea glass; tiny delicate pink shells the size of our fingernails. We […]
A Letter to My Daughter Who I Believe In
Dear Daughter, When we bought our house I was too tired to use tools or do math, so I hired a baby-proofer to run through and make it less likely to give me heart attacks as you and your brother explored its sharp nooks and dangerous crannies. Just to be extra safe, the cabinets under […]
54 Things To Do Before Having Kids
I don’t know whether you’ve ever heard this before, but parenthood changes a few things about your life. Not, like, everything. I mean, you’re still human beings who breathe and stuff after you have some offspring. But preeeetty much everything else changes—at least for a while. As a card-carrying member of the Yep, I Procreated […]
The Thing About Loss
I find I have a much harder time dealing with a loved one’s loss than a loss of my own. When the loss is mine, I can own it, mourn it, weep, recover. When the loss—or greater loss—is that of someone I love, I can barely breathe due to the crushing longing to swallow her […]
A Calm, Reasoned Argument For and Against Eating Your Cute Fat Baby
The following is based on an actual conversation about eating babies. Don’t act like you haven’t had one of those. Jeff has questions. I have facts. Let’s see where this goes—I’ll let him start. JEFF: Seriously, what the hell is it with you people and eating babies? Look, I like eating and I like kids. […]
A Message for My Beloved Children Who Insist Their Lives Are Really Really Hard
Dear Beloved Children Who Insist Their Lives Are Really Really Hard, Oh, my sweet pups. You have no idea what you’re talking about. The two of you live with both parents in a lovely home in Suburban New Jersey that has a snack selection that rivals the average Whole Foods store. I was the sixth kid […]
The Gift I Found
Many, many days you’ll find me at the kitchen island, a cup of coffee before me as I rub my temples to stave off the headache that two way-too-loud kids are trying to give me. Every day is an internal battle of my trying to raise them right, keep them in line, not being too […]
House Rules
It seems I need to explain this Facebook post/Tweet a little more. So here you go…. Do you have House Rules? Do you post them somewhere in your home? We used to just have house rules in concept, but I had to remind the kids of them each of the 400x a day they’d break a rule. […]