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My kids are weird.

That is all.

<– That is a button you can click for past Things I Said

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How did you not notice you were wearing 2 pairs of underwear all day?

We’re not talking about vulvas or penises at the breakfast table.  Lemme finish my coffee first.

Just don’t tell Daddy what’s been in this mixing bowl, okay?

How is it possible that my 5yo gets to soak her feet in flowery water and i don't?

You: watch where you’re peeing. You: don’t watch him peeing.

If you don’t mind looking like a crazy tutu-wearing person at school, I don’t mind it either. But no dancing. You hear me?

I hope you realize it will be virtually impossible to pee in less than 15 minutes with all this on.

Get your nose out of my tushie.

I don’t think the issue is sizing. I think the issue is that most balloons don’t actually wear diapers, honey. Maybe we can diaper something else to be your baby today?

Good God that balloon looks pleased that I use cloth diapers.

FINE, yes, they are adorable. My adorable…grandbabies.

Of all the kids to deliver TWIN balloon babies, it had to be mine.

We need to leave Target right now, before I leave YOU in the Lost & Found. Yes, both of you.

Get your vulva off my throw pillow.

Good Morning, uh….what…ever you…are?

What happens when stretchy pillow cases happen to weird kids? This.

What are some crazy things you had to say to the kids lately?

Add your own crazy quotes here for now…

And during the week, if you have your own “Things I Said”, Tweet it to me on  Twitter at @LetMeStart with the hashtag #ThingsISaid.  I’ll share it with my tweeps, too.

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If you are new to Let Me Start By Saying…welcome!
Read About Kim, or for some funny, my Favorite Posts page. 
Read “Awkward Parenting Moments“, ”BadAss Babies” & ”Things Your Kids Will Bring Home From School” Thanks for visiting!

Not surprising since it is, in fact, made of dough, and I have been eating Cookie Butter like I’m preparing for some Dessert Apolocalypse.

I’m not quite vain enough to cry over the expansion of my Bagel Belly, and yes, I’ve written about the perks of losing your figure, but I am smart enough to realize:

1. Most of my family has, had or died of cancer or some crazy random heart issue.  Being El Chubbo does not stack the cards in my favor of avoiding this stuff.
2. I’m asthmatic, which is not helped by slothliness.
3. My pants keep exploding, which may have something to do with my girth exploding as well.  Maybe. Possibly. Jury’s still out on this one.  There’s a chance one has nothing to do with the other. Maybe I bought a bunch of spontaneously combustible pants without realizing. This could happen.

For Mother’s Day, I simply requested that no one piss me off and that we head on over to the running store so I can be fitted with new kicks.

Not that I run.

I was made tall & strong for a reason: I don’t have to run. I can just beat the shit out of anyone that tries to chase me.  End of story.  But I digress.

High quality running shoes were all I wanted, since I’ve been meaning to get my bunion surgery for years and my knees are garbage. When I do work out, my foot friggin’ kills. Not exactly motivation to keep moving.

And my Bagel Belly is getting a bit out of control, so it’s time to get back into the routine of working out: Spin, cardio, weight training, remembering where the hell my gym is located.

My Belly. You're Welcome!

I have to say, getting any sort of exercise apparatus (or cleaning equipment) is likely not high on the Mother’s Day Wish List for many women.  But I really wanted them, and it made my day to get them.

Fast Sneakers for Fast Eaters

And as of today, I am getting up at 5:30am on weekdays to work out.  Start my day of right. Pay my dues for being a cupcake-eating machine.

My goal isn’t to be all Gwyneth-looking.  I’m comfortable being the loaf of Whole Grain Wonder Bread (good stuff inside, but still deliciously soft & white) among the dark, crisp Pretzel Rods at the gym.

As long as I’m strong and healthy, I’m happy.

And it’d be nice if my pants stopped exploding.

But don’t worry, I didn’t just get a pair of sneakers for Mother’s Day.

I also got socks.

And a big, black penis.

Well, that sure was awkward.

I mean, and a drawing of flowers.  Which is always nice.

MUCH better.

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If you are new to Let Me Start By Saying…welcome!  Read some fiction, short memoir posts,  About Kim, or for some funny, my Favorite Posts page.  Thanks for visiting!

1 Click Below Daily = 1 Vote = Happy Kim

The people who guessed correctly are:

Lance, Kathryn & Hollow Tree Ventures

Well done, friends!

And here’s the rest of the story…

TRUTH: My brother once accidentally knocked me unconscious with a lead pipe when we were little kids, and I have no recollection of it.
A few years ago, my siblings and I were sitting around my Mom’s dining room table, and one of them said something along the lines of “…like that time Kim got knocked out by the pipe?”  I asked what they were talking about, and my oldest brother burst out laughing, saying “OF COURSE she doesn’t know what we’re talking about, SHE WAS UNCONSCIOUS! HA! HA! HA! HA!” Then they all laaaaaughed and laaaaaaauuughed….

Um, yeah. Hilarious.  Details, please.

In short, when I was about 5yo & my brother was 7yo, we were playing by ourselves in the woods behind my house (Hello, early 1980s childcare standards!). Seems he found a lead pipe, picked it up, swung it around to show me, hitting me in the head so hard he knocked me out. Thinking he killed me, he dragged me through the woods, back to the house, and apologized to my parents for killing me. Lo and Behold, I came back around.

And no, this type of story is not an anomaly. This was my childhood. It was…interesting.

And no, it isn’t out of character for my entire family to whoop it up at the memory of me being knocked out with a lead pipe and presumed dead.  They are weird.

LIE: I danced with James Gandolfini at a family wedding.
Another Sopranos actor is a friend of the family, and he was at a wedding we attended, but I was violently ill at the wedding and didn’t dance at all.  Not even with Husband.  But? The actor who was there is actually an incredible dancer. Dude’s got some moves.
As for me? I ended up in the hospital the next day, I was so sick. But at least I had a fabulous teal satin backless gown on the night before, so I knew I looked fantastic during my last day standing that week.

TRUTH: I was a Stepford Wife.
Yep, I was an aspiring actress when I first moved out to NYC. My first background work job was as a Stepford Wife in the 2004 Nicole Kidman movie. It was ridiculously fun.  My costume, wig, and accouterments were simply delightful.  I kind of want to dress like a Stepford Wife every day.  Seriously.

Oh Nicole, I love that I have someone as pale as me as famous as you.

TRUTH: Mike Piazza, the baseball player, once hit on me in the Las Vegas airport right in front of my husband.
He was wearing a purple leather jacket. He came up to me, interrupted me reading a book, tried to make his move, and all I could think was “Really? PURPLE LEATHER??” I blew him off, and he went back behind the privacy screen they have for celebs there.  Husband came over and was all “MIKE PIAZZA JUST HIT ON YOU!” and I was all “Shhhh….I’m reading.  And who the eff wears PURPLE LEATHER??”

Hey, YOU. Put the book down, I'm trying to be suave in my purple leather jacket.

Thanks for playing!
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If you are new to Let Me Start By Saying…welcome!  Read some fiction, short memoir posts,  About Kim, or for some funny, my Favorite Posts page.  Thanks for visiting!

1 Click Below Daily = 1 Vote = Happy Kim

Past Mother’s Day Posts for your perusal:

My Motherhood
9 Reasons My Italian MIL From Brooklyn is Awesome
Sitting on a Couch With a Bunch of Balloons
A Mother’s Day Gift (from 2010)

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If you are new to Let Me Start By Saying…welcome!  
Read my Favorite Posts page.  Thanks for visiting!

And she gives it right back to me.

I admit that there are some obstacles to marrying into a family where everyone grew up together in the same neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York. Like the fact that:
~ absolutely nobody has an Indoor Voice
~ they are all so close that we spend hours spooning on the couch when they visit
~ no information is too personal to broadcast to every single living relative (my favorite: the random phone call from the cousin asking about how my butt was after my 1st hemorrhoidectomy)

But since Mother’s Day is upon us, I thought I’d take a moment to celebrate some of the perks of having some a tiny, loud, constantly-cooking Mother-in-Law.  I mean, other than the fact that she made the guy I expect to spend the rest of my life with.

…AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT, KIM.

9 Reasons My Italian Mother-in-Law From Brooklyn is Awesome

No, we’re not fighting.  This is just how we talk.

9. Each time she sees me, she insists I am too thin and hands me a sandwich.

8. Despite the fact that her son is smart, handsome and successful, she insists he married “up”, simply because I am taller than any of their relatives.

7. She’s short enough to sneak into the movies when we go.

6. She just-so-happens to know of a great deli in every town we drive through.

5. She can’t help but clean my kitchen when she visits.

4. She apologizes when she sees my husband’s dirty clothes everywhere because she knows it’s her fault he can’t seem to locate any of the seven hampers in our home.

3. She tells my husband that I should get a weekly cleaning lady without directly stating that I am as bad a housekeeper as we both know I am.

2. When she does annoy me, I can throw up my hands and yell “Gah! You’re annoying me!”

1. When she does annoy me and I tell her so, she grins, throws her hands up and yells back, “I’m supposed to!  I’m your Mother-in-Law!  Now shut up and eat this rice ball.”

I can’t be the only one who adores her Mother-in-Law, so Speak Up:
What do you love about yours?

Some day I'll have a Daughter-in-Law who won't spend enough time in the kitchen cooking for my son. I look forward to torturing her.

~

Some day I will have a MIL the size of a Garden Gnome. I look forward to torturing her.

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Also: Congratulations to the
Making Mom Brite with @MommyShorts Giveaway Winners!

@MommasTimeOut @MomOfThreeUnder @ln77 @HappyFamilyTrav
and Grand Prize Winner @SwimmingWith3

@MommyShorts, @NinjaMomBlog & I @LetMeStart had FUN hosting last night’s Twitter Party.  And – as promised!  - our moderators
@NoDomesticDiva, @MotherhoodWTF & @NapsHappen brought the Funny.
Good times, people. Good times.

This was all sponsored by Britely.com
where anyone can join in to make & share
little digital picture books with:

Your Favorite Recipe - So easy to share
Pictures From an Outing With Your Kid - It Can Look Like a Book Starring Her
A Personalized eCard - Birthdays, Anniversaries, Milestones
Pictures From Your Vacations - Made Into a Scrapbook to Share
Gift Wish Lists - For Mother’s Day or With Kid Gift Ideas for the Grandparents

The options are endless & FREE. So sign up NOW.

Also? It’s a great place to read something that’ll make you laugh
while waiting in line at the grocery store. Trust me.

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If you are new to Let Me Start By Saying…welcome!  
Read my Favorite Posts page.  Thanks for visiting!

I’d wander through designer boutiques for hours, splurge on a new handbag, then have a $2 slice of the best pizza anywhere before heading onto the ferry back home.

Fast-forward to now.

Last weekend I was woken up before 7am by a 5yo stabbing me in the face with my glasses. Later that afternoon, I dressed 2 balloons in cloth diapers and onesies, then watched Gnomeo & Juliet with my kids, my balloon Grandkids, and a mylar SpongeBob.

Me & The Grandkids. They look more like my Husband than me.

So, you know, pretty much the same thing.

Or not.

But I gotta say: Sure, I may sleep less and weigh more and spend much less time with artsy hipsters, but [hides Mom Jeans] I think I’m still pretty cool. And definitely lucky.

My kids like me. Their friends dig me. Their friends’ parents invite me to get together socially without kids.

I moved to the ‘burbs for my family, losing a bit of my NYC Girl…sheen.

But I gained a lot more.

My kids are happy little buggers, and I’ve made close friends, who are also moms.

These friends are my Sanity Lifeline. We laugh, we cry, we share, we help each other. I’m a better mom, wife, friend and person because of them.

I wouldn’t have met them, if I wasn’t a mother.

Since I know they’ve got my back & they’re only a call/text/shout-out-the-window away? Every day is Mother’s Day for me.  Which makes me feel pretty damn lucky.

Even if the price I pay for that luxury is spending my weekend afternoons on the couch with a slowly deflating SpongeBob by my side.

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If you are new to Let Me Start By Saying…welcome!
For some funny, see Favorite Posts. Thanks for visiting…

You’d think I’d be used to this by now.

But(t), usually when people see my ass I know it is about to happen.

Yesterday morning, I heard a rip. I saw a little hole in the crotch of my linen pants. Meh, it’s not like I do split-leaps on school property when I pick my Preschooler up before lunch, so I just wore them there since I was running a little late.

When I got home, I noticed something a bit…drafty.

And realized that none of the approximately TWENTY adults I saw at pick-up yesterday felt the need to tell me that my ass was clearly visible through the holes in my pants.

Anyone else feel that breeze?

EXHIBIT A for my Exposed Asscrack.

EXHIBIT B for my Bright White Buttcheek.

Mind you, my usual gaggle of girlfriends happened to not be at pickup today. I know I can reply on them to point out stuff like this.

But the rest of the parents in my kid’s class were. As were the parents of the other class who comes out the same door.

And nobody told me everybody could see my ass.

This, to me, is just like the old Spinach-In-The-Teeth Dilemma.

So, tell me, if you saw a woman with half her Back Door hanging out due to Holey Pants, would you tell her so she can hide it?  Or would you stay quiet?

I’d tell her. I HAVE told people about TP on their shoe, food in teeth, exposed tags from skirts & shirts, unidentifiable debris on their face, embarrassing bits that can easily be fixed or hidden.  I am discreet and quick about it.

Are you a Teller or a Too-Embarrassed-To-Teller?

Would you have pointed out my exposed ass yesterday?

PS When I told my husband this & showed him the pants? He smiled and said “That is GREAT.”  Sigh….and here I thought I’d get some sympathy.

~~

Know what would make me feel better about my ass exposure?
Chatting with you on Thursday Night’s Twitter Party about Motherhood.  Giving you a $250 SpaFinder gift card or $50 Amazon gift card.

<– CLICK THAT BUTTON. 
Enter to win a $250 SpaFinder.com GiftCard
Join our Twitter Party on 5/10 to win $50 Amazon GiftCards

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If you are new to Let Me Start By Saying…welcome!  Read some fiction, short memoir posts,  About Kim, or for some funny, my Favorite Posts page.  Thanks for visiting!

1 Click Below Daily = 1 Vote = Happy Kim

I usually get a special treat, like being woken up at the late hour of 7:15am to make the kids breakfast & warm up some delicious goodie I baked for myself the night before.

I read on the couch, then get the even more special treat of cleaning up whatever disaster the kids and Husband have created while I was “Taking Time Off”.

It’s so different than any other Sunday, let me tell you….

Oh. Wait.

Nope. No it isn’t.

Hmph.

This year I expect my Mother’s Day will better than all those that have passed in a cloud of it’s-the-thought-that-counts gifts and early mornings.

First, because there ain’t a crowbar in New Jersey big enough to get my exhausted ass out of bed before Husband this time. Since the 5yo knows how to work the Keurig, they can even bring me coffee.

WIN!

Secondly, because I’m part of a fabulous group of Moms hosting the…

…and giving to others makes me feel pretty awesome.

Click the adorable button above that leads you straight to
Mommy Shorts‘ Giveaway Post that explains it all.
She & Britely.com teamed up to give a deserving mom
a $250 SpaFinder Gift Card Grand Prize to entrants who create a
Mother’s Day Brite (little digital picture book).

Then at 9-10pm EST on May 10th, there will be a
#MakeMomBrite Twitter Party,
during which we will announce the Grand Prize Winner & also
hand out four $50 Amazon.com Gift Cards.
The Twitter Party will be Hosted by
@MommyShorts, @NinjaMomBlog & me @LetMeStart,
and Moderated by
@NoDomesticDiva, @MotherhoodWTF & @NapsHappen.
They will bring the Funny. I GUARANTEE.

See all the details, rules & ways to earn
additional Giveaway entries by visiting the
Mommy Shorts Giveaway Post.

Now, need some inspiration for your Giveaway Entry Brite?
CLICK HERE  to see the step-by-step instructions I made
on how to create your giveaway entry Brite.
Now check out the Mother’s Day Brites created by your Twitter Party Co-hosts:

@MommyShorts

~

@NinjaMomBlog

~

@LetMeStart

~

@MotherhoodWTF

~

@NapsHappen

Good luck & may your Mother’s Day not include any crowbars!

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If you are new to Let Me Start By Saying…welcome!  Read some fiction, short memoir posts,  About Kim, or for some funny, my Favorite Posts page.  Thanks for visiting!

1 Click Below Daily = 1 Vote = Happy Kim

My brother once accidentally knocked me unconscious with a lead pipe when we were little kids, and I have no recollection of it.

I danced with James Gandolfini at a family wedding.

I was a Stepford Wife.

Mike Piazza, the baseball player, once hit on me in the Las Vegas airport right in front of my husband.

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This post was in response to Trifecta Trifextra Weekend Writing Prompt.

The prompt went like this:

Play 3 Truths & A Lie, 33-333 words.  

CLICK HERE  to read all the responses, the full prompt, or add your own.

Which is the lie?

I’ll give you your answer on Sunday – Mother’s Day – and share a little more about each Truth.

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If you are new to Let Me Start By Saying…welcome!  Read some memoir & fiction posts,  About Kim, or some funny Favorites.  Thanks for visiting!

1 Click Below Daily = 1 Vote = Happy Kim

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If you are new to Let Me Start By Saying…welcome!
Get to know me by checking out the Favorite Posts page.  Thanks for visiting!