I don’t know whether you’ve ever heard this before, but parenthood changes a few things about your life.
Not, like, everything. I mean, you’re still human beings who breathe and stuff after you have some offspring. But preeeetty much everything else changes—at least for a while.
As a card-carrying member of the Yep, I Procreated Club, I thought it would be helpful to those of you yet to take the plunge into motherhood or fatherhood for me to make a list of things for you to do, appreciate, or enjoy before your time comes.
And if you’re a parent already, please chime in on anything I may have forgotten to add to the list. I mean, I haven’t really slept much since 2004, so the mind is a bit foggy…
1. Wear dangly earrings.
2. Throw scraps of paper away with abandon.
3. Leave the house with only what you have in your pockets.
4. Eat the good cookies out in the open.
5. Display breakable items below eye level.
6. Keep knives in drawers.
7. Relish the fact that no strangers will try to rub your abdomen today.
8. Require alarm clocks to wake you up.
9. Walk in straight lines through shopping malls, right past toy stores and candy shops.
10. Eat dinner after 5:30pm.
12. Look at stairs as a means to go up and down, not as tall death tumblers.
13. Drive by trains, trucks, and diggers without excitedly shouting.
14. Find things where you left them.
15. Drink entire cups of coffee in one attempt.
16. Silent But Deadly fart and get away with it.
17. Call your spouse by his/her first name only.
18. Leave HBO on and walk away from the TV.
19. Leave the special drawer in your nightstand unlocked.
20. Fondly remember the flutophones and recorders of your childhood.
21. Leave restaurants looking as clean as you did upon arrival.
22. Sing all the filthy lyrics of your favorite Top 20 songs in the car.
23. Don’t bother keeping track of your Sharpies.
24. Watch a sunrise voluntarily.
25. See your pets feel truly relaxed.
26. Be spontaneous.
27. Trust the cleanliness of a glass of water you left on the counter a few minutes ago enough to continue drinking it.
28. Never use geometry.
29. Own paper goods that don’t look back at you as you eat off of them.
30. Grocery shop in under 30 minutes.
31. Relax at the pool.
32. Relax on a plane.
33. Go many minutes without speaking.
34. Stand in lines without swaying.
35. Walk quickly in the direction you want to go.
36. Curse at your leisure.
37. Pee without having to pause your stream for a conversation.
38. Poop exactly when you want, for as long as you want.
39. Eat in restaurants without crayons.
40. Talk on the phone.
41. Get in and out of a car without breaking a sweat.
42. Get to places on time, if not early.
43. Open and close all drawers, cabinets, and doors in your home freely and with great ease.
44. Hear silence.
45. Have privacy.
47. Not get head-butted in the balls in public.
48. Not get Purple Nurpled in public.
49. Be hypocritical about stuff.
50. Play games that require focus.
51. Volunteer for things you actually want to do.
52. Decorate your home with white furnishings.
53. Use your own iPad.
54. Quickly pop in to anywhere, ever.