The term “Facebook friend” is a tricky little phrase, indeed. We accept most of these requests not because we genuinely want to connect with these people whose calls we’ve been dodging, but because it’d be totally awkward to not accept them. This means most of us spend our days rolling our eyes and scanning past all the annoying status updates on our walls—and wishing we had the cojones to hit the big bad “unfriend” button.
But rather get down on all of those folks, I think we should focus on the little ray of sunshine Facebook can offer us in between overly-aggressive requests to join virtual strangers on Candy Crush Saga and 6,000 pictures of a first-time parent’s toddler.
Today I’d like to give a shout-out to all the Facebook friends who make my wall a happier place. Won’t you join me in celebrating the people whose updates we actually do want to read?
1. The friend who keeps you informed
You’d love to be the kind of person who watches the news every morning, but you’d much rather catch up on last night’s Late Night with Seth Meyers from your DVR while sipping breakfast blend in your jammies than actually learn anything useful. This friend ensures you’re aware that awful things are happening all around you always (like erupting volcanoes and elections), as well as keeping you abreast of the latest celebrity snafus, Facebook trends, and popular new cocktail recipes from Pinterest.
2. The friend who makes you laugh
Life is hard, yo.
We need as many funny falling cat videos and Dos Equis beer guy memes as we can get our weary eyeballs on.
3. The friend who makes you cry
It’s too cruel to torture one’s sensitive constitution by watching every UpWorthy video, but keep this friend around to ensure you don’t miss the very best tear-jerkers they have to offer. Also, sharing her posts will make you seem like you have your finger on the pulse of humanity, even if you only watch these touching videos during the credit roll on The Bachelor.
4. The friend who is your mom
Just steal her phone and keep hiding your status updates from her feed each time you see her. She’ll see you’re still friends but have no idea exactly how poorly you behave online. Win-win!
5. The friend who can read between the lines—and has your phone number
Passive-aggressive status updates, vaguebooking, and other tell-tale behavior doesn’t get past this friend without him or her noticing you losing your shizzle over something. Hear that strange sound? It is an actual ringing telephone. Pick it up! This is called “human interaction” and might help you stop taking your frustrations out on the innocent little status update box.
6. The friend who is exactly the same online and offline
It’s nice to know that two things in life are true:
1. Most people are full of shit.
2. Except this one person.
7. The friend who will discreetly ask: Did you mean to post this publicly?
Horrific typos, a question about your anus, a mother-in-law vent: this friend knows better than to assume you are using the internet correctly, and gives you the chance to delete the evidence.
8. The friend who reminds you where you’ve been
Sure, you’re a knockout today with fabulous highlights and a lovely spouse. But someone needs to share #TBT pictures of you in your acid-washed-pegged-jeans-Sun-In-home-perm days with an arm thrown over that total jackoff you dated in high school, if only to keep you from getting too big in the britches.
9. The friend who shows you where you’re going
Splaying on the couch in soiled sweatpants from 1996 while scratching yourself and ordering another show on Netflix isn’t getting you anywhere. This friend inspires you to release your three-toed sloth clasp on the TV remote and see what you could be doing with your time, like exiting the house (sunshine is a real thing!) or working on your dream project that’s colleting dust. This friend knows exactly how to give you a swift kick in the ass through cyberspace—which is a very cool talent, indeed.
10. The friend who’s Facebook friends with her grandma
Because nothing–NOTHING–is funnier than seeing a grandma’s comments on Facebook.