Modesty and the Old Fogey

I…I just don’t get it.

I’m almost speechless.

I SAID “ALMOST.”

Is anyone modest with their physicality anymore?

Does anyone say “No” anymore when asked to do unclothed or ridiculous things in a public forum?

Does anyone see the value of not being publicly naked or not doing anything it takes to get on TV or just letting someone else have the spotlight for a Goddamned second for something that has to do with synapses rather than tomfoolery anymore?

I have rolled my eyes for many years at the buffoons on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and The Real Housewives of Fuckeduppity.

I take deep, cleansing breaths and try not to have a heart attack over how really young, naturally talented singers sexify themselves up in order to get their vocal and songwriting gifts the attention they deserve.

But holy Chiclets on a biscuit, once I saw that brides are encouraging their bridesmaids to flash their asses in professional photographs on the wedding day as Grandma and all the little cousins prance around tossing rose petals while they wait for the cocktail hour to begin, I realized this world has finally gone and lost its damn mind.

Have you seen this yet?

[Deep breath...] CLICK HERE to see the latest trend of bridal party booty pictures.*

*My brain just imploded while typing that.

Sure, in comparison to “kids these days,” I dress more conservatively than your average elderly Sicilian nun, but I’ve always had the mindset that if someone wanted to see my bits and pieces they needed to work for it. That meant they needed to do something along the lines of marry me or go through years of medical school and have office hours that meet my needs.

You don’t have to be as prudish as me, but isn’t it possible to keep something under wraps sometimes? Must we always go for the naughtiest, nakedest, most inappropriate angle—and do it all on film? Is everything a contest to see who can end up in a meme that’d horrify your grandad?

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO TAKING PICTURES OF THE BRIDAL PARTY’S FACES?

I still have yet to curse in front of my mom–I can’t imagine letting her see me flash a photographer.

Will these girls be embarrassed one day to see what these ballsy brides requested them to do, and now have eternal photographic evidence of?

(Yes. The answer is a resounding yes.)

And speaking of balls, are dudes doing this, too? Where are the hairy hindquarters and taints? Is this an equal opportunity mortification for the future children of all bridal party members, or do only the fairer sex get to degrade themselves on this sacred day?

It bothers me so much that I have constant external battles to fight as a mother of a son and a daughter. They get so much bullshit from media and the grown-ups around them that I’m simply exhausted. Who taught my kid the word “sexy” when she was 5 years old? Sure as hezzle not me. But I’m the one who had to explain to her and her 7yo brother (at the time) what it meant and why they can’t use it.

I want my kids to respect themselves, their bodies, and other peoples’, too. But how the hell am I going to do this when it seems that everyone around us is dropping trou in an effort to get themselves attention?

“Hey, kids, don’t do what all the millions of other people are doing, even though it gets them pats of the back and makes them internet/television sensations.”

GAAAAHHHHH!!!

Why aren’t more people trying to get the good attention? You know, the kind you get with kind words, generous gestures, and clicks of working brains?

I see a time and place for sexuality and sexual expression, but the sweepingly blasé attitude about the value of our bodies and the consensus that it’s fine to do anything for attention is making my head hurt.

I’m just…I’m just so frustrated with it all.

Am I being too much of an old fogey here?
Does this stuff blow your mind like it does mine? 
Do you expect me to yell “GET OFF MY LAWN!” any minute now, then pull up my slacks while taking a slug of Geritol?

I know these brides and bridal parties are full of fun 20-somethings who don’t have many cares in the world, and I’m an almost-40-something who has been trying to explain a crazy world to my kids for over 9 years. It’s exhausting. But I can’t get these ass pictures out of my head.

And Lord help me if my kids even think about doing this baloney at their weddings.

Believe me, you: There would be a very familiar size 10 footprint on each and every ass that turned to the camera that day, and I wouldn’t have a single regret about whoopin’ them all while in my modest Mother-of-the-Bride finery.

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Modesty by Kim Bongiorno

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Comments

Comments

  1. says

    I could not believe that shizz when it popped up in my Facebook feed today, and am still wondering what kind of expressions the parents and grandparents at those weddings were wearing when the bridesmaids were making fools of themselves.

    And, wait. You’ve never let a swear slip in front of your mom? NEVER?
    Amy Flory – funny is family recently posted..Summer of GivingMy Profile

    • says

      I remember peeking out as I waited for many bridal party to finish taking photos in the break between ceremony and reception, and I never IMAGINED I’d see this through the window. Do THAT many people not care who sees their undercarriage? I find this shocking.

      And, no, never slipped. My mom is very anti-cursing, so I respect that. I think she’s onto me, though, since she never reads my blog or books. ;)

    • says

      You spend so much time trying to make it a beautiful, meaningful, fun day, and then go flashing your bits and pieces? I truly don’t get it.
      In full disclosure, I had a photojournalistic photographer, who had my permission to capture me as I got into my gown, so there are a few photos of me in my longline bra, modest briefs and hose putting on my shoes, stepping into the gown with my bridesmaids, etc. But I’m more covered than I am on the beach, and there’s nothing sassy or sexy or naughty about them. Also, I didn’t ask anyone else to pose in her underwear, and they weren’t meant for public consumption–they were a natural part of the day. I think THAT is the difference.

  2. Kadie says

    Ugh. How trashy. Bare assed in a wedding photo? Whose dumbass idea was that? And do the photogs ask *all* their brides to do this or just the size 4 & under bridal party?

  3. says

    I do not think you are being an old fogey!! I had not seen that trend, but Holy Wow – that is ridiculous! I was born and raised in the South and brought up with very conservative values. Had a picture like that gone in my wedding album, my mother would have honestly fainted. I can also guarantee that when my three daughters get married, my hubby and I will not be cutting any check for photos like that!
    Lisa @ The Golden Spoons recently posted..Beauty in the BrokenMy Profile

  4. says

    I am currently standing at my laptop giving you a standing ovation!!! YES YES YES!!!!! I am SO sick about it, that I recently up and decided to home school my daughter who is going into middle school next year. Yes. Middles school, where girls give boys blow jobs in the band room,and 11 year olds get pregnant, and bullying is beyond inhuman, and cutting is the new fad.

    I can’t. I can’t take. I can’t take it. I can’t take it any MORE!

    My girl? She still believes in Santa Claus, is afraid to sleep alone at night, and has a heart of GOLD.

    Nope, not gonna let them break her. No way. No how.

    (I know I can’t protect her completely- and I know the world is THERE. I just want some control of it, to prevent the onslaught of it all at once.

    LOVED this Kim! I totally AGREE. No morals out there any more. The world is going to crap.
    Chris Carter recently posted..Words of Encouragement for a 16 Year OldMy Profile

    • says

      Thank you, Chris! The things that parents are letting their kids, tween, and teens see because OTHER parents let THEIR kids see/do it is making me nuts. I can’t tell you how many parents of kids my kids’ ages (7 & 9) are letting their kids watch Rated R movies because they’re told their kids’ friends let them watch them. Umm…WTH? Can’t anyone make their own decisions anymore? Why are we exposing kids to stuff that isn’t age-appropriate? I think it fuels these stupid things like ass-shots at weddings. Oy.

  5. Kelly says

    Well if you’re an old fogey, so am I. I cannot fathom what these girls are thinking!
    Something I find even more disturbing though is the inclusion of young girls, girls who probably feel like they can’t say No. Girls who are impressionable, and being given the impression that this is a good idea, will be a laugh, isn’t hurting anybody etc, etc, etc. In one of the pics the a young girl had her eyes covered by the bride, yet in another one the girl was included (and looked a little uncomfortable I thought).
    I’m sure in years to come, not one of these girls will look back and decide it was a good idea.
    I’m 48 years old, and I despair for this generation. A generation of attention seeking, crowd-following sheep.

  6. Jessica says

    I have been seeing the bare butt photo passed around Facebook lately and was wondering why this was such a big trend now! I can’t IMAGINE asking my bridesmaids to do this (and we got married in Las Vegas–where anything goes, right??). Not for me I guess but to each their own. I sure hope that the trends don’t keep getting worse from here…what’s next?? Let’s just skip the dresses altogether and let it all hang out!

    • Kelly says

      … in the “Restricted Section” lol.
      (Sorry been reading Harry Potter with my daughter. Couldn’t help myself.)

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