Recently I watched the first three seasons of HBO’s Game of Thrones in their entirety in less than two weeks. This takes commitment, my friends, but my perseverance paid off.
In anticipation of all the dark twists that Season 4 will likely serve up (OMG I AM SO EXCITED), here are some of the many things I learned by ignoring the biological urge for boring needs such as sleep, food, and participation in Life in exchange for 30 hours of awesome television:
(This is full of spoilers, so if you haven’t seen every episode yet, get thee to the TV and catch up before continuing!)
1. I have an impressively high tolerance for violent disembowelments, which thankfully only comes in handy while watching this show.
2. Dragon breath was just as awful in the Middle Ages as it is now.
3. Hey dude who throws little kids out windows with his own hands: Karma is a bitch.
4. Mmm…Jon Snow… Wait—where was I? Oh yeah. My list.
5. A Hound’s bite is worse than his bark, but direwolves go right for the jugular.
6. If you whore your little sister out to savages, she’ll let her husband melt your head, give birth to dragons, raise an army, and become the most beloved female badass in cable television history.
7. I would volunteer to sit next to sassy old Olenna Tyrell at every single family party, ever.
8. Young Podrick Payne sure knows how to use his lance, if you know what I mean.
9. Tywin Lannister’s gonna have to work a liiiittle bit harder on his parenting skills if he wants to win a Dad of the Year award anytime soon.
10. Never mess with a little finger, a bald eunuch, or a girl pining over her lost twin brother/lover.
11. Brienne of Tarth is the kind of Brick House that the Commodores would just love to try and shake down.
12. Redheaded fire-worshipping women have really ugly babies.
13. I totally want a Hodor of my own.
14. If you metaphorically stab your wilding girlfriend in the back, she will literally stab you in the back…and the side…and the leg.
15. Winter is coming, and absolutely no one expects it to be the most wonderful time of the year.
16. If Walder Fray offers your bride a wedding gift, immediately say “Thanks but no thanks.” THEN RUN LIKE HELL.
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