Recently my kids invited themselves into Ilana Wiles’ home. Since she knows better than to argue with a 6yo and an 8yo, up we went!
That is how I ended up sitting on The Couch of my new favorite series, The Mommy Show…hosted by none other than Ilana, herself.
We got to talking about the show, and who I’d interview if I had a choice. You know, if someone were to “accidentally” sedate/bind/gag Ilana, lock her in a closet, and use voodoo to persuade the film crew into believing I was in charge.
Hypothetically speaking.
One name immediately came to mind. Someone I have been intrigued by since college, when a friend who was a campus radio DJ played his very first album for me. Seventeen years later, he is the star of one of my most popular blog posts, a dad, an Oscar winner, and someone I would love to sit down with for a chat.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…
The Mommy Show: The Marshall Mathers Episode
KIM: So, Marshall. Welcome to The Mommy Show!
MARSHALL MATHERS: Thanks for having me. And call me Em, yo.
KIM: Will do. These are my kids, who we will try to ignore. Unless I get kicked in the head. Then, we’ll need to pause while I use my Silent Threat Stare and escort them into the other room.
EM: Hi, kids. AAAAAGH!!
KIM: I know – I can’t believe your daughter is already a teenager!
EM: They grow up so fast. You just wait, girl. In a blink of an eye.
[EM MOMENTARILY CLASPS KIM’S HAND AS HER EYES GET MISTY GLANCING AT HER CHILDREN, CURRENTLY WRESTLING UNDER THE COFFEE TABLE]
KIM: So, Em, I’ve seen your new “Survival” video from your upcoming album, The Marshall Mathers LP2. Someone’s been using potty language again…
EM: I gotta express myself. Cha know whadda mean?
KIM: Word, Em. WORD.
[FIST BUMP]
KIM: Now, you think of whether there is anything you can say about your new single, Survival, that is acceptable to the censors on this program, and I’ll prep our craft.
KIM: Could you think of anything to say that doesn’t include an f-bomb?
EM: Nah. Sorry.
KIM: No worries! It’s snack time anyway.
EM: Mmm…Teddy Grahams…
[CRASH COMES FROM THE KITCHEN, THEN TWO SIMULTANEOUS SHOUTS OF “IT WASN’T ME”]
KIM: Excuse me for a moment.
[MUMBLY THREATS; WHINES; KIM COUNTS TO 3 TO THE SOUNDS OF CHILDREN GLUING SOMEONE ELSE’S WEDDING CHINA BACK TOGETHER, THEN HEADS BACK TO THE COUCH]
EM: Uhhh…Kim?
KIM: Yes, Em?
KIM: Anyway, Em, before we go, I’d like you to make up a song for my kids. I’ll give you a favorite topic of theirs, and you rap about it. Ready?
EM: Born ready.
KIM: Cookie.
EM: She’s clever. She’s sly. That girl ain’t no rookie. No mistakin’ her for some dumb broad who plays hooky.
KIM: Skylanders.
EM: I look. I listen. I stop and take a gander. He blows me away with the dopeness of his candor.
KIM: Princess Bubblegum.
EM: What the what?
KIM: SpongeBob.
EM: You serious with this s**t?
THE END
So funny, Kim….and I should have hired you to help with my photo editing. Your pictures look much more natural than mine!
Susan @ Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva recently posted..Jimmy Fallon in my house!
So Teddy-Graham-Pom-Pom-Fist-Bump-Flippin Funny! Ellen
Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms recently posted..Oh, The Things We Would Have Martha Stewart Do
I love the way you were able to instantly bond with him. You truly have a gift, Kim.
Lori Wescott recently posted..McBitch, Please: An Open Letter To #McDonald’s of Houston
I love it. LOVE it. Especially the “mine’s for my rear view mirror.”
Nicole Shaw recently posted..If I were Mommy Shorts, I’d have an afternoon delight with fat Matt Damon
I totally need to have a rapper on my show so I can make them rhyme with words like Team Umizoomi. THAT WOULD BE AMAZEBALLS. Also- why aren’t I having snack time on my show??? Thanks for alerting me to the missed opportunity, yo.
Ilana (aka Mommy Shorts) recently posted..The One Where Jackie Martling Touches My Breast Pump
Love this! Esp “Born Ready” and “dopeness of his candor.” He really needs to smile more, poor guy.
Liz recently posted..Zoe vs. Mommy, the Physical Assault
Oh my goodness, Kim. These graphics. I am dying. I am sharing. xo.
Meredith recently posted..The Stress-Scape