Many moons ago, I worked at a Chuck E Cheese’s.
Being the energetic girl that I was, I found it a hoot to be able to work kids’ birthday parties for a little fun money, eating leftover cake and pizza at the end of my shifts.
Now that I have kids who attend these parties, I understand why so many parents pressed fat wads of cash into my 16-year-old hands with said, “Keep the change.”
It’s just awful.
1. A Lysol-scented human-sized dancing mouse filled with lost dreams.
2. Excessively sweaty children, constantly running right smack into one another.
3. Skee Ball balls getting thrown in the wrong direction.
4. A Squirrel that will haunt your dreams.
5. HPV, E. Coli, Staph, Strep, fecal matter, petrified puke, boogers, fingernails, and the Bubonic Plague.
6. Mini bottles of hand sanitizer in every other mom’s back pocket.
7. Toddlers licking DNA off of…everything.
8. A horrifically violent shooting game next to a ride-on bug that vibrates when you stick a token in its adorable ear.
Gerbil human tunnels padded with the leftover skin cells of one million children.
10. Pink-cheeked mothers smiling while discreetly threatening their offspring to get down out of the climbing tunnels Right. Now.
11. That bratty, unsupervised kid who pushes your kid out of the way at the ticket counting machine.
12. Plastic toys you can buy at any store for a dime, marked up 4000% at the Prize Counter.
13. Shrieking, delirious regret at choosing the purple star ring over the pink jelly bracelet.
14. Parents desperate to get the hezzle out of there.