The Easy Bake Oven was high on my 5-year-old’s Santa Wish List this year.
I never had one as a kid.
Not sure if this was because they were as dangerous as all the other toys we had in the 70s & 80s and Mom was trying to protect me, if my parents were too cheap to buy one, or the simple fact that I was the 6th kid and my family tended to forget I needed things like toys or attention.
Since these toy ovens are as expensive as an economy-sized car, I graciously told my mother-in-law how important it was for her only granddaughter to have one, and waited for the box to arrive in the mail.
I was able to stall actually using The Purple Beast for 2.5 weeks, fearing it would be too much work and mess for someone who still hasn’t taken the family Christmas tree down by mid-January.
My daughter would let me put it off no more: It was cookie time.
Over the years there have been different models and different levels of danger with the Easy Bake Oven. Some trapped fingers. Some overcooks kids’ hands. Some may or may not have been a health risk to society and were recalled.
If there’s any danger to using the new Easy Bake Oven, it is dying of boredom while you wait for the itty bitty crappy baked goods to cook in it.
I began the adventure as a “fun” activity with my kid. Approximately eighteen hours later, she had already left to play at a friend’s house while I continued the process of baking all 4 cookies while talking on the phone with my friend Nicole, who summed up the Easy Bake Oven Experience in one sentence:
“Easy Bake Oven:
Making dough lukewarm and less wet since 1963.”
How is this not the promotional tag line?
The good news is that only three new gray hairs sprouted from my head in the time it took for those 4 damn cookies to become firm enough to refer to as “baked,” and during the wait I came up with a list I’d like to share with all of you who are researching alternatives to this now-way-too-safe toy for baking those packets of pre-fab cookie, cake and pretzel mixes it comes with:
1. Summertime sidewalks.
2. Hot flashes.
3. Neon signs.
4. Burrito farts.
5. Someone going HUUUUHHHHHH on their eyeglasses before wiping them clean.
6. North Face puffy coats.
7. Glow Sticks.
8. Naomi Campbell’s temper.
9. The color “Burnt Sienna”.
10. A Wii console during SkyLanders Giants.
12. Shopping malls in December.
13. The crimping iron from high school still stored in your parent’s hall bathroom.
14. Joe Manganiello’s abs. (SO. HOT.)
16. The seat warmers in your neighbor’s car.
17. Your hatred for Caillou.
19. Thinking about sunshine.
20. Disney Princess night lights.
21. The Shark Steam Mop.
22. An infected wound.
23. Tape recorders.
24. And last, but not least: ACTUAL OVENS.
Happy Baking, everyone!