I’ve spent a lot of time in the car this week. Here are some things I’ve been pondering while behind the wheel:
1. How is it that humans can dive a submarine 6 miles down into the ocean, and land on Mars to take some pictures, but not figure out how to merge from two lanes of traffic down to one in an organized fashion?
2. The smaller the Suburban Mom, the larger the SUV she drives. Is there a Napoleon complex for chicks?
3. It doesn’t matter how much you try to pimp out your 2006 Lincoln Zephyr. If your car is named after a delightfully gentle summer breeze, it simply can never be considered “bad-ass.”
4. Expensive Midlife Crisis convertibles should automatically come with a Bald Spot Sunblock Holster. Or at least a coordinating baseball cap.
5. The more confident someone is in their ability to use a cell phone while driving, the more likely they are to swerve into my lane at high speeds while doing so, making me curse loudly and want to send flowers to whomever invented Air Bags.
6. It doesn’t matter how discreet you attempt to be, I can still see you picking your nose if you do it right on the other side of a piece of clear glass 15 feet away from me.
7. If I pass FedEx trucks three times on the highway, can its delivery service really be considered “Express”?
8. Witnessing a Volkswagen owner have an episode of Road Rage was the least natural thing I’ve ever seen. I mean, the guy was driving a VW, the happiest cars on Earth! It was like watching a smiley face drop the c-word then make out with Ke$ha.