Red Lips for Aging Housewives

As you know, I am a sucker for Fall fashion trends.

So when we got the invitation to a wedding this past weekend, I decided to try the Really Red Lipstick Look that everyone’s been wearing lately.

Which is quite different from my This Face Is Kind of Clean and I Used My Kid’s Tinkerbell Lip Balm 6 Hours Ago looks.

Some may call me “sickly pale,” but I prefer the term “universally porcelain.” I originally thought this might make the red look even cooler, in contrast.

This theory only works on 17-year-old runway models.

After buying 5 lipsticks during a daily Target run and trying them all on, I quickly discovered that the colors on the labels with fun, juicy words like “cherries,” “berries,” and “vixen” weren’t exactly accurate for those of us old enough to remember Captain Kangaroo. So I’ve renamed a few of them.

Please note: If you, too, are an aging housewife (and I mean that in the most complimentary of ways), these are colors you should be avoiding.

“This Really Highlights My New Lip Wrinkles Red”

“My Kid Found the Red Sharpie Red”

“Even Heath Ledger’s The Joker Would Say This Red Looks Crazy Red”

“Grandma’s Got Cataracts But Still Applies Her Own Make-Up Red”

“French Whore Red”

“Oops I Got Punched In the Teeth and Am Bleeding Profusely Red”

Since my guesswork was no good, and I didn’t want to wimp out and buy “I Can’t Pull Off Red So Let’s Pretend This Cherry Chapstick is Red Enough Red,” I consulted the best resources for all that is expensive and beautiful: InStyle Magazine & Sephora.

I got the names of a few lip colors that were declared hits and headed to the black & white Mecca of the Mall.

After a good poke around, I invested (any makeup purchase over $6 is considered an investment to me) in Bite Beauty Honey Lip Lacquer.

I got home and did The Happy Dance.

The color was perfect: not too whorish, clownish, or youthful for my age. Plus, not only did it stay on way longer than any lipstick or gloss thus far, when it faded it did so to an overall tint. No Creepy Lipliner Lady Look. No Drunken Joker Look.  WIN!

What I learned from my attempts at staying on-trend in the mouth when I’m living the life of a Mom Jean Housewife is this:

1. Don’t trust your own judgement, or else you’ll waste even more money at Target. (Yes, this is possible)
2. Don’t compare yourself to newborn runway models with dewy taught skin. They are the devil. They have different makeup needs than you.
3. Try, try again. You can be trendy and fashionable, even if that stain on your shirt is somebody else’s urine and your kid attacked your face with a 3-year-old glittery green eyeshadow from the bottom of the toy box, which you’ve been wearing for hours. On your cheek. It just takes a little effort…and a lot of tissues. If I can do it, you can, too.