As you know, I am a sucker for Fall fashion trends.
So when we got the invitation to a wedding this past weekend, I decided to try the Really Red Lipstick Look that everyone’s been wearing lately.
Which is quite different from my This Face Is Kind of Clean and I Used My Kid’s Tinkerbell Lip Balm 6 Hours Ago looks.
Some may call me “sickly pale,” but I prefer the term “universally porcelain.” I originally thought this might make the red look even cooler, in contrast.
This theory only works on 17-year-old runway models.
After buying 5 lipsticks during a daily Target run and trying them all on, I quickly discovered that the colors on the labels with fun, juicy words like “cherries,” “berries,” and “vixen” weren’t exactly accurate for those of us old enough to remember Captain Kangaroo. So I’ve renamed a few of them.
Please note: If you, too, are an aging housewife (and I mean that in the most complimentary of ways), these are colors you should be avoiding.
Kids: Try this at home. Behind closed doors. With lots of tissues.
“This Really Highlights My New Lip Wrinkles Red”
“My Kid Found the Red Sharpie Red”
“Even Heath Ledger’s The Joker Would Say This Red Looks Crazy Red”
“Grandma’s Got Cataracts But Still Applies Her Own Make-Up Red”
“French Whore Red”
“Oops I Got Punched In the Teeth and Am Bleeding Profusely Red”
Since my guesswork was no good, and I didn’t want to wimp out and buy “I Can’t Pull Off Red So Let’s Pretend This Cherry Chapstick is Red Enough Red,” I consulted the best resources for all that is expensive and beautiful: InStyle Magazine & Sephora.
I got the names of a few lip colors that were declared hits and headed to the black & white Mecca of the Mall.
After a good poke around, I invested (any makeup purchase over $6 is considered an investment to me) in Bite Beauty Honey Lip Lacquer.
I got home and did The Happy Dance.
The color was perfect: not too whorish, clownish, or youthful for my age. Plus, not only did it stay on way longer than any lipstick or gloss thus far, when it faded it did so to an overall tint. No Creepy Lipliner Lady Look. No Drunken Joker Look. WIN!
What I learned from my attempts at staying on-trend in the mouth when I’m living the life of a Mom Jean Housewife is this:
- Don’t trust your own judgement, or else you’ll waste even more money at Target. (Yes, this is possible)
- Don’t compare yourself to newborn runway models with dewy taught skin. They are the devil. They have different makeup needs than you.
- Try, try again. You can be trendy and fashionable, even if that stain on your shirt is somebody else’s urine and your kid attacked your face with a 3-year-old glittery green eyeshadow from the bottom of the toy box, which you’ve been wearing for hours. On your cheek. It just takes a little effort…and a lot of tissues. If I can do it, you can, too.
I keep trying but keep chickening out. It’s a Burt’s Bees life for me. You go, girl!
Basically, a gang of foul-mouthed ladies on Twitter bullied me into getting the cajones to try red. They scared me, so I did it. And am very glad I did. Shall i threaten to punch you or something? Would that help get you to try it, too?
I MAY try this for a wedding this weekend, but only because you backed me against the wall with a rusty shiv. Bitch.
*grins evilly & puts shiv down*
I did it: http://www.ilikebeerandbabies.com/2012/10/red-lips-and-mean-mommy.html
WOOO HOOOOOOO!!!! Hot mama!
Whew. I’m so glad you saved me a dilemma. But I want pictures of the final (working) product!!
Oops! Meant to do that last night when I wore it again…will do.
Thanks for doing all this research! Now to find someone I can pay to remind me to put it on… Until then, I guess I’ll have to stick with Carmex.
That’s what calendar alerts on our Smartphones were invented for. Right?
Which color did you end uo with? I like them all
This was too funny! Thanks for taking one for the team.
It was hard, but someone had to do it.
I love your Joker one. But without sounding like I’m hitting on you, you have really nice lips. And the red looked great! There is nothing better than finding a color that fits and feeling good about it. 😛
Ooooh la laaaaah…so you noticed. 😉
I think your lips looked hot in most of those shots. For me, red lipstick really brings out the color in my rosacea and blemishes. Kind of like how wearing blue brings out my blue eyes, but evil and horrible.
SO almost the same, but not quite? I think you’d rock a red. I will tackle you with my stash of red lipstick next time I see you. BEWARE.
You made me cry from laughing so hard. I don’t know how you came up with “universally porcelain” but that is pure genius.
I hope someday you get to have your own makeup line because I’d by your lipsticks just for the name!
Some day I’ll be a cosmetics company megastar…some day…
You could use a lip plumper if you’re not allergic if you’re really worried about wrinkles.. But, inmy opinion, any of those reds worked on you… And you reminded me of a really old article on Gwen Stefani when she talked about when she first started wearing red lipstick asa teen.. She said she felt weird doing it at first but eventually it became natural for her.. So I think reds can be used by all ages.. Kudos to you for not giving up.. we as moms need a little something like red lips to make us feel special.. I’m 31 and I never wore lipstick as a younger girl but felt it necessary to gussy myself up every once in a while to not feel like all I am is a mom.. Lipstick is kind of a rite of passage into womanhood that has been forgotten.. And its nice to feel pretty… At least, that’s my two cents..
I’m more of a mascara/eyeshadow type of gussy up with natural lip gloss. And since I’m so fair, the red lips REALLY stand out on me. So this was a stretch. But I’m glad I did it.
I’ve been wearing CoverGirl Outlast for AGES. I use #507 Every Red-y I think it’s called. Love it! Sometimes I try to touch it up with regular lipstick and it bleeds in to my lip *cough* wrinkles *cough*. :/
Must check it out – thanks!
HA! I needed a good laugh! You did not disappoint! (I don’t even think I wore red lipstick when I was 17–my ‘proud but poor’ southern mother would not have approved). So I did the flavor of the month lip-gloss instead. Much better for kissing! (If my mother only knew!)
My husband LOVED that I always wore flavored lip gloss when we first met. Yep, still wear it. Yum.
Exactly! Lipstick, on me, makes me look 10 years older. I stick to pink or clear gloss.
The photos somehow made them look better than they did in person. But yeah, the really bright ones which make young women look fresh made ME look elderly. Ick.
My favorite is “I just lost at fight club” red. I mean, Ladybug red from MAC.
It’s a nice clean look. Not too opaque.
Loved this post. You are hilarious!
That’s what I wanted – something that didn’t look opaque & thick. Thanks for the recc!
I wear make up every day without fail but rarely lipstick (I prefer gloss). However I really like Ladybug red from MAC. Just when I thought I couldn’t pull off a red lipstick, I found that one and it’s fabulous. Totally agree with anne@notasupermom.
That’s so funny! Two of you. So now I HAVE to check it out…
“Universally porcelain” fave.
And the “newborn models.” Also fave.
Pale skin hair eyes lips. In B&W photo booth pictures, I am basically just pupils in a dark shirt.
I am so proud of you! I now see a Sephora trip on my To Do List tomorrow!
…and did we come home with anything new yet??
I do think they all look pretty.
I used a lipstick in high school that probably cost $5 and tasted like old lady but the color was so good on me, and of course they stopped making it around 1990.
In high school, all my friends were darker than me and wore Rum Raisin. I always tried to borrow theirs, but I looked vamp in it. I could see you rockin’ it, though.