I was born a real Looker.
By that I mean my parents dressed me so badly in the 70s that people would point and stare while muttering “Look at that poor child!”
Think I’m exaggerating? Check out this professional photo shoot that was clearly staged for when I was looking my best:
Nothing says “Let’s keep this one FOREVER!” like a kid whose father cut her hair using a bowl, mom put her in a dress designed after a handkerchief, then given a pineapple rattle to hold while snuggling a fuzzy blue footed dildo. Say “BLUUUUHH!!!” *click*
I was so used to looking awful all the time, that once I got older I kept the trend going. My parents did not interfere. This was not wise.
Back in the 70s & 80s, parents were rather lax about things like appearance or safety, so they also did not do stuff like “Pay attention to the children” or “Wonder whether appropriate decisions were being made by anyone in the household.” It means our family albums are full of pictures like this one, which raises so many questions:
1. Why is a 9yo girl (me) in an old man’s Navy hat?
2. What is she drinking out of this plastic wine glass?
3. Why must she wear so many jelly accessories with her calculator watch?
4. What’s with the see-through suspender shorts pulled up to her cervix?
5. If it is summer, why is her friend wearing knee socks?
6. Is that a regular top tucked into high shorts or high shorts making a crop top less showy?
7. Why is my 11yo brother in a Budweiser tee & WTF is he doing dancing so close to such an enormous homemade BBQ pit?
8. Who IS that old guy at the BBQ pit and why isn’t he telling someone to check on all of us children who are so close to it, some of us possibly drinking vino from plastic wine glasses with frontal wedgies?
When I first shared this photo on Facebook,
many of you could relate to how badly I dressed as a kid.
I told you that I’d share more pictures of myself,
if you showed me yours.
And you did.
So here’s a couple more of me that might make you think twice before asking me for fashion advice in the future.
Everyone loves a First Day of School Photo. Especially when they are sporting:
1. A She Mullet (ends flipped up!)
2. An unusable oversized button on a purple oversized shirt.
3. High-waisted purple pants with an asymmetrical zipper and buckle.
4. Unneccesary belt, worn to the side (also in purple).
5. A random, massive pants pocket in which to hold…something else that’s purple??
Or maybe you want something more photojournalistic. Like this one, which shows my true adolescent personality:
1. Creator of Ralph Macchio shrine.
2. Lover of creepy Raggedy Ann & Andy painting.
3. Rocker of piecey She Mullet.
4. Fashionista who can get away with the solo suspender strap.
Good GOD, I look like I was a delight to live with!
I’m not the only one who knew how to build a shrine back then. Jessica from FourPlusAnAngel was a skilled master of shrines. Specifically, NKOTB shrines:
She made sure to wear the biggest glasses ever created in the world, so as to not miss a single word written about them in Teen Beat.
You know who else could see those posters? Robyn, from Hollow Tree Ventures.
She likes her glasses big, her sweatshirts 3/4 sleeved, her shorts micro, and her socks totally scrunched.
Speaking of glasses, why did so many of our parents encourage us to look like Elton John? It’s no wonder Abby Has Issues.
Ah-ah-ah-Abby and the JETS…
As fabulous as her accessories are, Abby’s actually not quite as stylish as my girl Anne. Because not only does she make this peppermint striped, ruffle collared, side-buttoned blouse her bitch, but she dressed it up for Picture Day with elegant chains in multiple faux metal tones. Take THAT!
That top is SO MINT.
Leslie, TheBeardedIris, also enjoyed the double strand of chains for class photos. They accentuated her fluffy She Mullet. (Oh! How I envy her fluffiness!)
Orangy-rust colored highlights courtesy of Sun-In mixed with blind optimism.
Another big trend, as you may have noticed above, was large collars. A few of you took that look and RAN WITH IT. Like Vanessa Morgan.
Excuse me, but I think your collar just morphed into a pink Pac Man and is trying to eat your overalls.
Overalls were great at making your big collar stand out even more. But truly fancy people would call them lederhosen and wear them with puffy sleeved shirts. Just ask Kristin of Mutterschwester.
Rats! We both coincidentally put on the same thing this morning, sis! What are the chances anyone will notice??
Kristin is actually a fashion chameleon. And a big fan of Laura Ingalls.
Michael Landon would have been so proud.
At least her skirt looked comfortable. Unlike Allison from MotherhoodWTF‘s shorts.
Talk about a British Invasion. OUCH.
Though, I guess at least she’s wearing pants. Unlike JD at Honest Mom. She was too busy fixing her garter and fluffing her fringe to worry about putting pants on. Besides, they would totally mess up her 7yo Hooker dance costume. Obviously.
Oh, the blush of innocent youth. In corsets and garters.
I do worry that JD’s dance outfit above may have influenced her style choices after that. You know how it is, one sexy outfit and from then on it’s all low-cut-this and sassy-skirt-that…
Oh. Uh. Nevermind.
Poor JD couldn’t even be cheered up by her shiny new Trapper Keeper. Maybe she needed some fabulously fun shorts in a dizzying print, like Susan of The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva?
Anyone have some spinach? Anyone?? How about a corn cobb pipe or an anchor tattoo?
I love First Day of School photos. So does Andrea from Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess. She and her brother lived for these photo ops.
To balance out his sister’s ONE-PIECE OUTFIT, he wore a 3-piece velvet suit. He so fly.
The only thing that could make a First Day of School photo better than this, would be if all the siblings coordinated their denim….like Welcome to Grand Central did.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that their favorite color is blue.
Wow. Her hair was big wasn’t it? But I think Tracy from Sellabit Mum‘s was bigger.
Nope. Scratch that: her BOYFRIEND’S hair was bigger. My bad.
Hm. I can’t decide what I like better. Big hair or triangle hair. Let’s ask Anna from My Life and Kids.
Triangle hair. Definitely triangle hair.
I should totally call Alicia of Naps Happen and see if she likes triangle hair, too. Oh, wait. Looks like she’s already on the phone.
“Hello, Children and Family Services? Yes, my Mommy forgot to put my pants on today. Yep. Again. And I’m pretty sure I’m wearing shoes stolen from the local bowling alley. Ok. See you soon.”
Well, after seeing many of you dressed like hookers, Aqua Net shareholders & German physical laborers, I don’t feel so bad about my obsession with bad haircuts and white suspenders. It’s like we’re this community of fashionistas.
Only, we’d be whatever the total opposite of the word “fashionista” is.
Which is totally cool, too, ya know.
A big THANK YOU to everyone who shared their photos with me. I couldn’t use them all, but feel free to show everyone what you’ve got on my Facebook Page. They are always a hoot!
JD gave me Square Pegs flashbacks! Great post Kim. Way to rock the she mullet.
Totally!
Oh these were all fabulous! I miss the 70′s and 80′s.
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..How To Order At A Restaurant
You and big big hair, you mean? I consider it an another entirely complete being.
Hilarious. Sun-In and Ralph Macchio – two of my greatest loves back in the day.
Amy recently posted..Popular
Since I’m blonde, I used to squeeze actual lemons into my hair. NOT GROSS AT ALL.
I haven’t laughed that hard in quite a while. Thank YOU!
Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted.."How To Control Your Children."
You are so welcome! Nothing like bad fashion sense to tickle the funny bone.
OMG! I am dying laughing here! That pic of you drinking from the plastic wine glass is absolutely unbelievable!!! Holy Shit! The captions you put on the pics are hysterical! Awesome, I am gonna run over and share a pic on your facebook that is a must see!
Love it! Devan
Considering my parents are nowhere to be found in that series of photos, it looks like we’ll never know what I was actually drinking…
Love this. Classic family BBQ. My fav. is the dance costumes. I had forgotten mine. I didn’t have a garter, but it had a tambourine (and silver spray painted tap shoes). We have lost most of our old family pixs so thank so much for the walk down memory lane. Just great.
The sex appeal of those costumes was offset by the painful itchiness of them. And the smell of polyester. Mmmm…
This is hilarious! Motherhood WTF’s shorts are going to haunt me forever!
And I’m kindof missing my triangle hair…
Anna recently posted..Messy House Edition: Craft Closet
Anna, your triangle hair made my day. SO fabulous.
JD @ Honest Mom recently posted..There’s No Stigma in Healing
I want to make a song about your triangle hair. If only I played an instrument…
Oh my gosh, these are hilarious. I’m dying over Allison’s shorts.
Jessica recently posted..Waves
I’m shocked the poor girl had functioning lady parts as an adult. Ouch.
I laughed so hard at my own caption. True! True! I can’t wait to send this to my mother.
Naps Happen recently posted..Guest Nappers #122 and #123: Doubled Over
That picture is so you.
I had to end with it!
This is priceless. The shorts are what I love the best. Weren’t we all in pain with something stuffed up there? Close second is the triangle hair. I don;t even know know how we figured this crap out with hairspray but it makes me happy. Thank you! This made my morning!
Brittany recently posted..6 Years Ago Our Lives Changed Forever
Those shorts were DANGEROUS.
DYING. Allison’s shorts look like her vagina is trying to eat them. And Anna’s orange triangle hair? Holy shit. I had that exact same ‘do once. What were we thinking?! Your captions are the bomb. Love this! Thanks for including my sun-in tinged She-Mullet and double gold chains.
The Bearded Iris recently posted..Does your child’s teacher not like you?
Oh, also. The Ralph Macchio shrine?! Bwhahaha! (Mine was to Michael Jackson, Thriller era, not dangling-baby having sleepovers with boy child stars era). And that one suspender? We would have been friends even back then.
The Bearded Iris recently posted..Does your child’s teacher not like you?
I had a whole rotating Teen Beat Magazine shrine going on. Ralph, Kirk Cameron, it was full of hotties.
LOL at my vagina trying to eat my shorts. Seriously, though, it must have taken work to keep them up so high!
Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? recently posted..I Was a Fashion Don’t
Hungry hungry vagina.
So funny!!!!! I really think that growing up in the 70s and 80s gave us an extra ‘oomph’ in life from dealing with these outfit/hairdo situations. Going forward I am going to make it a point that I buy the boys outfits that can forever be immortalized upon their psyches.
I blog so as to publicly denounce all responsibility for what my kids choose to wear.
God, this was hilarious. I wish I had seen this earlier, I have a few gems myself.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll do another sometime. Keep your eyes peeled!
OMG so funny!
Um, I had a NKOTB shrine too. There’s even a picture of me in big glasses and blue cullotes (remember those?) holding a poster of Jordan Knight.
I so wanted to play, I have awesome bad photos of me, but they’re all at my parents house. Yeah, not digital.
I did manage to scan one of my sister and I wearing tracksuits when we were 9 and 7 respectively……….
Alison recently posted..Home Is Where All The Children’s Stuff Is
Oh no. Cullottes. Now I’m having terrible flashbacks.
OMG. Dying laughing over here. Your ode to purple, Leslie’s feathered hair, Allison’s shorts, my early hooker days … but I think my favorite is Anna’s hair. Wow. Just, wow.
Who knew a child hooker could be so adorable as an adult? Only you could pull that off.
Awwwww, you flatter me. I think.
But of course I do.
Wow, this is some good stuff. I am loving all of it, but especially the shorts. I find it pretty amazing that the term “camel toe” only became popular in what, the 90s? Because clearly there was a lot of that going on in the 70s and 80s. So funny.
I, too, have many pictures of myself wearing the largest glasses ever created, so I could better see my Corey Haim shrine. The shame.
Ali recently posted..The Confessional
Ohhhh a Corey Haim shrine! No Corey & Corey? Just the one??
What a great way to start me day! Very funny.
Happy Little Feet recently posted..Repurposing is awesome
Thanks, HLF!
Those were awesome!
Jen recently posted..My ‘Listen to Your Mother’ Moment
I laughed my way through every picture sent to me. Oh man…
Oh. Ohmygod. I can’t breathe, I’m laughing too hard. So much funny, I can’t even make references to it all. Your captions are absolutely priceless. Thanks for including me and my scrunch socks – I only wish I had a pic of my room to send you. I wasn’t allowed to put up posters, but eventually my mom “compromised” and let me put up pictures from CALENDARS. My shrine was to fluffy kittens. So very, very lame.
hollow tree ventures recently posted..I’ve Lost My Schmidt, Plus an Apology
Hang In There!
(please tell me you get the reference?)
I bet my mom would’ve outlawed that one, too – NO POSTERS! I was very deprived. Although with that one I probably wasn’t missing out too much.
Hollow Tree Ventures recently posted..Either I’m Awesome Or You’re Crazy
Kitten hanging from tree = awesome inspiration. Related note: my mom wear kitten sweatshirts. So, she bought that one for me.
These are SO GOOD!! And my apologies for not submitting my gems. Totally Brills! I’m sharing.
Frugalistablog recently posted..RTLF #16- Ashley’s story
I was laughing the whole time I wrote this. We looked INSANE.
LOVE love LOVE lovey love. LoVe! I’m singing it now. Loooooooooooooove.
Ninja Mom recently posted..Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess and Walter the Farting Dog
I love it when you sing.
Oh these were horrible/fantastic!! I cringed/laughed so hard!! Thanks for this scary/hilarious blog post. It was truly fun to see some of my favorite bloggers rocking the 70′s and 80′s ‘fashion’ and hair cuts. Truly gave me a big smile!!
Teri
Snarkfest
Teri recently posted..Holiday Traditions
I don’t think any of us made it through that time without awful hairdo’s. Which is kind of awesome.
so awesome! based on their young fashion choices, clearly all these bloggers were born to be bloggers!
anna recently posted..Rookie USA Now Open in NYC – and a Giveaway Too!
We were born shamed, so are now shameless. Or soemthing like that.
FANTABULOUS! now, be a good overworked stay at home mommie and create a book so we can laugh will we poop. my Shit My Kids Ruined book has assisted me with many turds. as they say, laughter is the best medicine.
A book is a great idea! Hmmm…
I am actually so, so relieved that I wasn’t the only awkward kid wearing a pair of piped running shorts shoved clear up my twat.
Suburban Snapshots recently posted..Dog Shaming and the Reason You’re So Damn Busy
Um, no. No, you were definitely not.
This is AWESOME. The photos are priceless and your commentary is laugh out loud funny. I had multiple shrines. A whole wall devoted to Michael J Fox, one to Kirk Cameron and Ricky Schroeder, one to Rob Lowe. I’m sure I thought of them while I jammed my shorts up my vagina.
Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? recently posted..I Was a Fashion Don’t
Oh Ricky…he was too rich for my tastes.
Oh my goodness, I now have a headache from trying to stifle my laughter while my kids do math at the kitchen table and I pretend to write for a living. Thanks!
You are very welcome!
Now I’m going to have to go digging through photo albums! I did a double take when I saw the picture of Jessica from Four Plus an Angel. I had the same hair, the same glasses, and quite possibly the same outfit!
Geek twins! Woo hoo!
Thanks for the laughs on this Thursday afternoon! The first picture and commentary is laugh out loud funny. Makes me nostalgic for the simpler, horrendously dressed and frighteningly unsafe times of my youth.
Rose recently posted..Weirs Beach, New Hampshire
They were simpler times, until we opened our wardrobes.
THIS WAS AWESOME! I was born in the 80′s my parents kept me in the 70″s.. Seriously I had a mullet until I was in first grade, took till about the third grade to grow it out. She would cut my bangs, and having poker straight hair I looked as if I had a duck bill on my forehead. I had the worst clothes and shoes. And that lady fed me braunschwager for lunch, for that she can never be forgiven…
Mullets are AWESSSSOOOOOOME!
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hilarious! The day before I got married(the first time back in 1984) I decided to cut my own hair. I have a lovely bridal portrait of my self in a veil with a mullet.
Deb McCormick recently posted..Why sometimes it doesn’t pay to try and be sneaky
Um, why haven’t you shared this on my Facebook page yet???
Oh..my..ever..lovin’…God.. Did I laugh so hard I nearly peed!
So needed that too. Been wound up so tight and serious lately.
Almost peeing is worth loosening up those shoulders.
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God this is funny. Thank you so much for that trip down memory boulevard. And I am so appalled that just about every picture runs right alongside most of mine from most of my childhood. The hats, the strange old men out of place, the shorts that were shoved so far up my hooha, the more than amazing haircuts. In a way, I’m glad to know I wasn’t the only one who had no clue what it meant to be dressed. Wow, the 70s and 80s had to have been the toughest decades to be dressed during, right??? All I know is that like Alicia of Naps Happen, I too wore “boys” shoes for most of my elementary years because my mother thought they were better structured for my feet. And they sure did look like they came from the bowling alley! I remember throwing up in one once and for the rest of time, when I think of those horrid brown shoes, I immediately think of throwing up. I know, you’re asking, how did she throw up in a shoe? Well, it was on the couch as I went racing by to the bathroom. Why was there a shoe on the couch? Oh, that? I can’t explain that.
sparkling74 recently posted..A Little Tribute To October
How can you stomach bowling alleys now, as an adult? Can you eat there?
These are amazing. I love the white suspenders, btw.
Laura @ Stroller Parking Only recently posted..What Type Of Blog Commenter Are You?
If you’re gonna rock suspenders? White is the way to go.
This was hilarious! Despite all the great hairdos and single suspender straps, my favorite of all is your brother’s Budweiser shirt. That is awesome stuff.
Kelley recently posted.."I need to lose weight. Can you pass the queso?" and other lovely quotes from around the dinner table
My parents didn’t even drink beer, and they definitely weren’t buying or wearing BUd tees, so I have NO CLUE where he got that thing.
this is funny, people dressed so fine in the 70´s i cant stop laughing xD
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