I was born a real Looker.
By that I mean my parents dressed me so badly in the 70s that people would point and stare while muttering “Look at that poor child!”
Think I’m exaggerating? Check out this professional photo shoot that was clearly staged for when I was looking my best:
I was so used to looking awful all the time, that once I got older I kept the trend going. My parents did not interfere. This was not wise.
Back in the 70s & 80s, parents were rather lax about things like appearance or safety, so they also did not do stuff like “Pay attention to the children” or “Wonder whether appropriate decisions were being made by anyone in the household.” It means our family albums are full of pictures like this one, which raises so many questions:
1. Why is a 9yo girl (me) in an old man’s Navy hat?
2. What is she drinking out of this plastic wine glass?
3. Why must she wear so many jelly accessories with her calculator watch?
4. What’s with the see-through suspender shorts pulled up to her cervix?
5. If it is summer, why is her friend wearing knee socks?
6. Is that a regular top tucked into high shorts or high shorts making a crop top less showy?
7. Why is my 11yo brother in a Budweiser tee & WTF is he doing dancing so close to such an enormous homemade BBQ pit?
8. Who IS that old guy at the BBQ pit and why isn’t he telling someone to check on all of us children who are so close to it, some of us possibly drinking vino from plastic wine glasses with frontal wedgies?
When I first shared this photo on Facebook,
many of you could relate to how badly I dressed as a kid.
I told you that I’d share more pictures of myself,
if you showed me yours.
And you did.
So here’s a couple more of me that might make you think twice before asking me for fashion advice in the future.
Everyone loves a First Day of School Photo. Especially when they are sporting:
1. A She Mullet (ends flipped up!)
2. An unusable oversized button on a purple oversized shirt.
3. High-waisted purple pants with an asymmetrical zipper and buckle.
4. Unneccesary belt, worn to the side (also in purple).
5. A random, massive pants pocket in which to hold…something else that’s purple??
Or maybe you want something more photojournalistic. Like this one, which shows my true adolescent personality:
1. Creator of Ralph Macchio shrine.
2. Lover of creepy Raggedy Ann & Andy painting.
3. Rocker of piecey She Mullet.
4. Fashionista who can get away with the solo suspender strap.
Good GOD, I look like I was a delight to live with!
I’m not the only one who knew how to build a shrine back then. Jessica from FourPlusAnAngel was a skilled master of shrines. Specifically, NKOTB shrines:
You know who else could see those posters? Robyn, from Hollow Tree Ventures.
Speaking of glasses, why did so many of our parents encourage us to look like Elton John? It’s no wonder Abby Has Issues.
As fabulous as her accessories are, Abby’s actually not quite as stylish as my girl Anne. Because not only does she make this peppermint striped, ruffle collared, side-buttoned blouse her bitch, but she dressed it up for Picture Day with elegant chains in multiple faux metal tones. Take THAT!
Leslie, TheBeardedIris, also enjoyed the double strand of chains for class photos. They accentuated her fluffy She Mullet. (Oh! How I envy her fluffiness!)
Another big trend, as you may have noticed above, was large collars. A few of you took that look and RAN WITH IT. Like Vanessa Morgan.
Overalls were great at making your big collar stand out even more. But truly fancy people would call them lederhosen and wear them with puffy sleeved shirts. Just ask Kristin of Mutterschwester.
Kristin is actually a fashion chameleon. And a big fan of Laura Ingalls.
At least her skirt looked comfortable. Unlike Allison from MotherhoodWTF‘s shorts.
Though, I guess at least she’s wearing pants. Unlike JD at Honest Mom. She was too busy fixing her garter and fluffing her fringe to worry about putting pants on. Besides, they would totally mess up her 7yo Hooker dance costume. Obviously.
I do worry that JD’s dance outfit above may have influenced her style choices after that. You know how it is, one sexy outfit and from then on it’s all low-cut-this and sassy-skirt-that…
Poor JD couldn’t even be cheered up by her shiny new Trapper Keeper. Maybe she needed some fabulously fun shorts in a dizzying print, like Susan of The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva?
I love First Day of School photos. So does Andrea from Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess. She and her brother lived for these photo ops.
The only thing that could make a First Day of School photo better than this, would be if all the siblings coordinated their denim….like Welcome to Grand Central did.
Wow. Her hair was big wasn’t it? But I think Tracy from Sellabit Mum‘s was bigger.
Hm. I can’t decide what I like better. Big hair or triangle hair. Let’s ask Anna from My Life and Kids.
I should totally call Alicia of Naps Happen and see if she likes triangle hair, too. Oh, wait. Looks like she’s already on the phone.
Well, after seeing many of you dressed like hookers, Aqua Net shareholders & German physical laborers, I don’t feel so bad about my obsession with bad haircuts and white suspenders. It’s like we’re this community of fashionistas.
Only, we’d be whatever the total opposite of the word “fashionista” is.
Which is totally cool, too, ya know.
A big THANK YOU to everyone who shared their photos with me. I couldn’t use them all, but feel free to show everyone what you’ve got on my Facebook Page. They are always a hoot!