I was born a real Looker.
By that I mean my parents dressed me so badly in the 70s that people would point and stare while muttering “Look at that poor child!”
Think I’m exaggerating? Check out this professional photo shoot that was clearly staged for when I was looking my best:
Nothing says “Let’s keep this one FOREVER!” like a kid whose father cut her hair using a bowl, mom put her in a dress designed after a handkerchief, then given a pineapple rattle to hold while snuggling a fuzzy blue footed dildo. Say “BLUUUUHH!!!” *click*
I was so used to looking awful all the time, that once I got older I kept the trend going. My parents did not interfere. This was not wise.
Back in the 70s and 80s, parents were rather lax about things like appearance or safety, so they also did not do stuff like “pay attention to the children” or “wonder whether appropriate decisions were being made by anyone in the household.” It means our family albums are full of pictures like this one, which raises so many questions:
1. Why is a 9yo girl (me) in an old man’s Navy hat?
2. What is she drinking out of this plastic wine glass?
3. Why must she wear so many jelly accessories with her calculator watch?
4. What’s with the see-through suspender shorts pulled up to her cervix?
5. If it is summer, why is her friend wearing knee socks?
6. Is that a regular top tucked into high shorts or high shorts making a crop top less showy?
7. Why is my 11yo brother in a Budweiser tee & WTF is he doing dancing so close to such an enormous homemade BBQ pit?
8. Who IS that old guy at the BBQ pit and why isn’t he telling someone to check on all of us children who are so close to it, some of us possibly drinking vino from plastic wine glasses with frontal wedgies?
When I first shared this photo on Facebook,
many of you could relate to how badly I dressed as a kid.
I told you that I’d share more pictures of myself,
if you showed me yours.
And you did.
So here’s a couple more of me that might make you think twice before asking me for fashion advice in the future.
Everyone loves a First Day of School Photo. Especially when they are sporting:
1. A She Mullet (ends flipped up!)
2. An unusable oversized button on a purple oversized shirt.
3. High-waisted purple pants with an asymmetrical zipper and buckle.
4. Unneccesary belt, worn to the side (also in purple).
5. A random, massive pants pocket in which to hold…something else that’s purple??
Or maybe you want something more photojournalistic. Like this one, which shows my true adolescent personality:
1. Creator of Ralph Macchio shrine.
2. Lover of creepy Raggedy Ann & Andy painting.
3. Rocker of piecey She Mullet.
4. Fashionista who can get away with the solo suspender strap.
Good GOD, I look like I was a delight to live with!
I’m not the only one who knew how to build a shrine back then. Jessica from FourPlusAnAngel was a skilled master of shrines. Specifically, NKOTB shrines:
She made sure to wear the biggest glasses ever created in the world, so as to not miss a single word written about them in Teen Beat.
You know who else could see those posters? Robyn, from Hollow Tree Ventures.
She likes her glasses big, her sweatshirts 3/4 sleeved, her shorts micro, and her socks totally scrunched.
Speaking of glasses, why did so many of our parents encourage us to look like Elton John? It’s no wonder Abby Has Issues.
Ah-ah-ah-Abby and the JETS…
As fabulous as her accessories are, Abby’s actually not quite as stylish as my girl Anne. Because not only does she make this peppermint striped, ruffle collared, side-buttoned blouse her bitch, but she dressed it up for Picture Day with elegant chains in multiple faux metal tones. Take THAT!
That top is SO MINT.
Leslie, TheBeardedIris, also enjoyed the double strand of chains for class photos. They accentuated her fluffy She Mullet. (Oh! How I envy her fluffiness!)
Orangy-rust colored highlights courtesy of Sun-In mixed with blind optimism.
Another big trend, as you may have noticed above, was large collars. A few of you took that look and RAN WITH IT. Like Vanessa Morgan.
Excuse me, but I think your collar just morphed into a pink Pac Man and is trying to eat your overalls.
Overalls were great at making your big collar stand out even more. But truly fancy people would call them lederhosen and wear them with puffy sleeved shirts. Just ask Kristin of Mutterschwester.
Rats! We both coincidentally put on the same thing this morning, sis! What are the chances anyone will notice??
Kristin is actually a fashion chameleon. And a big fan of Laura Ingalls.
Michael Landon would have been so proud.
At least her skirt looked comfortable. Unlike Allison from MotherhoodWTF‘s shorts.
Talk about a British Invasion. OUCH.
Though, I guess at least she’s wearing pants. Unlike JD at Honest Mom. She was too busy fixing her garter and fluffing her fringe to worry about putting pants on. Besides, they would totally mess up her 7yo Hooker dance costume. Obviously.
Oh, the blush of innocent youth. In corsets and garters.
I do worry that JD’s dance outfit above may have influenced her style choices after that. You know how it is, one sexy outfit and from then on it’s all low-cut-this and sassy-skirt-that…
Oh. Uh. Nevermind.
Poor JD couldn’t even be cheered up by her shiny new Trapper Keeper. Maybe she needed some fabulously fun shorts in a dizzying print, like Susan of The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva?
Anyone have some spinach? Anyone?? How about a corn cobb pipe or an anchor tattoo?
I love First Day of School photos. So does Andrea from Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess. She and her brother (pimp?) lived for these photo ops.
To balance out his sister’s ONE-PIECE OUTFIT, he wore a 3-piece velvet suit. He so fly.
The only thing that could make a First Day of School photo better than this, would be if all the siblings coordinated their denim….like Welcome to Grand Central did.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that their favorite color is blue.
Wow. Her hair was big wasn’t it? But I think Tracy from Sellabit Mum‘s was bigger.
Nope. Scratch that: her BOYFRIEND’S hair was bigger. My bad.
Hm. I can’t decide what I like better. Big hair or triangle hair. Let’s ask Anna from My Life and Kids.
Triangle hair. Definitely triangle hair.
I should totally call Alicia of Naps Happen and see if she likes triangle hair, too. Oh, wait. Looks like she’s already on the phone.
“Hello, Children and Family Services? Yes, my Mommy forgot to put my pants on today. Yep. Again. And I’m pretty sure I’m wearing shoes stolen from the local bowling alley. Ok. See you soon.”
Well, after seeing many of you dressed like hookers, Aqua Net shareholders and German physical laborers, I don’t feel so bad about my obsession with bad haircuts and white suspenders. It’s like we’re this community of fashionistas.
Only, we’d be whatever the total opposite of the word “fashionista” is.
Which is totally cool, too, ya know.
A big THANK YOU to everyone who shared their photos with me. I couldn’t use them all, but feel free to show everyone what you’ve got on my Facebook Page. They are always a hoot!
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hilarious! The day before I got married(the first time back in 1984) I decided to cut my own hair. I have a lovely bridal portrait of my self in a veil with a mullet.
Um, why haven’t you shared this on my Facebook page yet???
Oh..my..ever..lovin’…God.. Did I laugh so hard I nearly peed!
So needed that too. Been wound up so tight and serious lately.
Almost peeing is worth loosening up those shoulders. 🙂
God this is funny. Thank you so much for that trip down memory boulevard. And I am so appalled that just about every picture runs right alongside most of mine from most of my childhood. The hats, the strange old men out of place, the shorts that were shoved so far up my hooha, the more than amazing haircuts. In a way, I’m glad to know I wasn’t the only one who had no clue what it meant to be dressed. Wow, the 70s and 80s had to have been the toughest decades to be dressed during, right??? All I know is that like Alicia of Naps Happen, I too wore “boys” shoes for most of my elementary years because my mother thought they were better structured for my feet. And they sure did look like they came from the bowling alley! I remember throwing up in one once and for the rest of time, when I think of those horrid brown shoes, I immediately think of throwing up. I know, you’re asking, how did she throw up in a shoe? Well, it was on the couch as I went racing by to the bathroom. Why was there a shoe on the couch? Oh, that? I can’t explain that.
How can you stomach bowling alleys now, as an adult? Can you eat there?
These are amazing. I love the white suspenders, btw.
If you’re gonna rock suspenders? White is the way to go.
This was hilarious! Despite all the great hairdos and single suspender straps, my favorite of all is your brother’s Budweiser shirt. That is awesome stuff.
My parents didn’t even drink beer, and they definitely weren’t buying or wearing BUd tees, so I have NO CLUE where he got that thing.
this is funny, people dressed so fine in the 70´s i cant stop laughing xD
I revisited this post with my 9 y.o. son tonight. He couldn’t stop laughing! Can’t wait to meet you at BlogU in June!
Okay, I am HOWLING over here! Those are awesome!