Earlier this week I was sipping my latte, checking Facebook on my phone, and shushing my two kids who audibly moan while eating petite vanilla scones, when an 8-months-pregnant vision walked in with her mom and son. The contrast between her loveliness at that stage of pregnancy and what I experienced was…shocking. Other than being humans on this planet, we have nothing in common.
Differences Between Me While Pregnant & the Pregnant Lady at Starbucks:
1. If I had worn a thong during pregnancy, my body would have assumed I was trying to take in even more food, and eaten it.
2. She looked relaxed. I was too busy complaining about hemorrhoids to relax.
3. Her skin glowed. My bacne blocked all potential glowing.
4. She looked sunny in a yellow dress. I was mistaken for the actual sun. Or a giant walking lemon.
5. Her designer handbag hung on a perfectly toned arm. My arm was wider than her designer handbag.
6. She had nary a lump beneath her thin cotton dress, other than the obvious three. I looked like a garbage bag full of doorknobs.
Before I had kids, I knew that I had a lot to learn. Like: Never ever wear yellow when pregnant and tipping the scales at OH MY GOD GET OFF THE SCALE!!! Today my kids are 5 ½ & 7 years old, and I can appreciate the lessons I’ve learned over the years. I feel absolutely no jealousy towards that lovely lady at Starbucks, and can laugh at how lemon-like I appeared in comparison to her while pregnant with my son (I still don’t wear yellow).
The miracle of Life is beautiful. I was decidedly not.
I didn’t just learn about fashion choices. I learned how not to take the tough times too seriously, how to swaddle & shhh a screaming baby so she falls fast asleep, and how no sound in the next room means someone is obviously playing with permanent markers.
I feel smarter, more observant, more creative than I was as a childless newlywed.
Recently I accidentally poured something really gross all over myself and was reminded: I still have a lot to learn.
Now CLICK HERE to head on over to the InThePowderRoom to read my tale of a doctor’s appointent gone very…moist. And tell me if you’ve had a similar experience (with or without extraneous DNA sample, of course), do share!
I hope to see you over there & promise to reply to every comment. As always.
“I looked like a garbage bag full of doorknobs.”
I die.
Dead.
OMG. I vow to use that phrase in a sentence every day for the rest of my life.
Leslie @ The Bearded Iris recently posted..Man, that was a really big wave.
That might get a bit redundant, but I’d hate to stop a girl who feels inspired…
hilarious as usual, Kim but you’re being too hard on yourself. I bet Mr. Let Me Start thought you were all kinds of hawtness when you were pregnant.
no one looks good in yellow. When I met my wife and now teenage daughter I walked out of a room wearing a yeller shirt. My oldest daughter, then 12, shook her head and made me go change.
Lance recently posted..Wearing and Tearing
I’m guessing that you’re still not allowed to wear yellow shirts?
Neither am I.
You know, when I look at pictures of myself when I was pregnant, I understand why everyone was so complimentary toward me then — I looked amazing. I was happy enough with the appearance in the mirror. But I remember feeling awful. The hemorrhoids, the constant itching, the back (and front) aches, the breakouts … the list goes on and on. I was having little emotional breakdowns ALL. THE. TIME. Really. I had a pretty epic one in an airport. Now when I see a pregnant woman who looks that amazing, I think, “Damn. Now there’s a girl who’s really good at keeping her meltdowns at home.”
Kathy V. recently posted..Douche: Not Just For The Ladies Anymore
LOL! Yes, she’s likely hiding her horror.
Bag of doorknobs? I’m still laughing about that and I read this the first time this a.m. That is about as perfect a description as lumpy pregnant can get. And, don’t be too hard on yourself. No one looks good in yellow….except this canary I saw once.
Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted.."People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one." -Leo J. Burke
I also have kind of yellowy blonde hair, which did NOT help matters…
It’s interesting how we see ourselves, and I was really expecting the photo of you to be way more like the way I looked with my first child. What I see is what you described as the other lady. A little miffed, I have to admit. Then again, it’s all a matter of perspective. You must normally be very fit cuz to me your pregnancy pic is pretty damn enviable.
I was well over 200lbs (a place I’ve never been in my life) and very, very swollen. To the point that my doctor thought I might have an issue (luckily, I didn’t). My shoes didn’t fit, my face was unrecognizable…I’m tall, so maybe it doesn’t look so bad in a photo of just my torso. But for me? Very bad.
I gained between 70-80 pounds with each of my 4 pregnancies. I am the human yo-yo. Even though I felt great, people kept tsk-ing at me and saying “Wow, you must be miserable.”
HouseTalkN recently posted..HouseTalkN Joins CrazyK CarX Run For Charity!
Don’t you LOVE when other people criticize you during pregnancy? How thoughtful!
That almost made me pee myself, which we all know is so easy to do now, but anyway…
That woman was my daughter’s teacher last year. I’ve never seen a pregnant woman look that good for that long while wearing heels and sitting on the floor with second graders. I felt like I had to dress up to go in to see her.
Tammy@World’s Worst Moms recently posted..Attack of the Killer Toothpaste
It was so impressive. Like, someone just taped a baby to her belly and that was it.
LOL! I remember waddling with my large pregnant belly and body while an equally pregnant waif glided by me like she was carrying nothing heavier than a marshmallow. Not fair I tell you
Not fair at all.
I just kind of hate cute pregnant people. Period. I would be with you on “the only we had in common was that were human”, except that I’m not convinced cute pregnant people are entirely human…
Meredith recently posted..What’s With the Judgement?
I now have one relative who is cute and pregnant, but she’s uncomfortable & cranky, so it’s less annoying.
It’s amazing how some people become more elegant and graceful during pregnancy while most of us descend to the depths of appearance survival. Lol!
gina valley recently posted..Home
Oh, I descended. I descended far.
You had me at “1. If I had worn a thong during pregnancy, my body would have assumed I was trying to take in even more food, and eaten it.” I wee’d a little.
I was the opposite – I thought I was the Starbucks lady. Upon retrospective inspection…I was the sun. No, actually, the moon. Backne, tuckshop lady arms. A real stunner.
Your blog makes my day. Mmmmwah. (oh, and that pic? Is that supposed to be a bad one? Hmmmm, lady, I’ll see you that one and raise you an entire album of lumpiness.)
http://theycallmemummy.com
I was way above 2 bills in that photo. Like, my husband would have had to carry the car to weigh as much as I did that week. In photos, it looks like I’m about to eat him. It ain’t pretty.
I agree that “bag of doorknobs” is possibly the funniest, most descriptive, and (sadly) most accurate description of myself while pregnant. You in a yellow shirt? I looked like I swallowed your yellow ass whole. Sideways.
You may use the phrase at will my dear. You have my knobby permission.