I was trying to reward them with pancakes.
I ended up torturing myself & everyone around us.
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Let’s not act like savages, okay?
Stop licking me.
We don’t eat butter with our hands.
We don’t eat pancakes with our hands, either.
You don’t have to like everything on your plate, but stop pretending you’re gonna throw up.
Making a Scene + Wasting Money = Good Family Fun
Stop spitting straw papers at those people over there.
It’s fine if you need you poop, but I don’t think everyone in the restaurant needs to hear all about it.
If you dump strawberry syrup everywhere, you’re toast. No. Not that toast. I’ll make YOU into toast. STOP LAUGHING, I AM THREATENING YOU. Just. Put. The. Syrup. DOWN.
No, no coffee for you.
What are some crazy things you had to say to the kids lately?
“yes, that’s your penis. Now please put it away.”
“that’s not a lollipop. That’s a tampon.”
OMG, I remember playing with (unused) tampons at my friend’s house as a kid.
Kids are so weird.
“No, let’s NOT lick each other’s tongues. Not a good game.”
Not til you’re married, kids…and to someone other than your sibling.
“No, it’s NOT true. The kid at your school was lying. EVERYBODY can feel when you lick their elbows. Now … stop licking MINE!”
P.S. I read some of your tweets that day. My heart went out. Great post though.
OldDogNewTits recently posted..The Back to School ABCs (According to ODNT)
LOL – I was suffering, when I was trying to do a good thing. Backfire, party of 3?
“Let go of your brother’s penis!”
“Please take your testicles off of me.”
“Get your finger out of your butt!”
“You may not pull your pants down in the middle of the park.”
I say ‘get your finger out of your butt’ to my kids too!!
Frugalistablog recently posted..The most unattractive pictures of me EVAH!
Why oh why must they all put their fingers in their butt? WHY??
Don’t answer that.
You’re a brave brave woman for going to Ihop with the kids alone…I commend you on your valor.!
Kylie
Brave or stupid? Brave? Or stupid??
No kids, but I’ve said, “No lickey! No lickey!” about a million and 12 times to the cat this week and “I’ve never felt more inferior than I do while you watch me scoop out your shitbox.” That was also to the cat, by the way.
Abby recently posted..Crazy Neighbor Lady
I say things to my cats that are pretty much the same things I say to the kids. It’s very weird in my house.
“Knock it off before I toss you both over that wall and let the lion eat you,” as I looked at my father-in-law for an alibi…
LMAO!! A bit dramatic…no?
No way. They were bitching again about how they never get anything/get to do anything. In my book, that’s complete justification for being tossed to the lions. LOL
Case closed. ROAR.
OH yeah. I hate eating out with mine, especially at someplace like IHOP, where nothing is perfect enough for them.
Jester Queen recently posted..The Girl Under The Road
My son loved the food. My daughter……ugh. Let’s not discuss.
That could have been me there at iHop with my kids having the exact same conversations. And seriously, why must they announce in the middle of a restaurant, while others are trying to enjoy their meals, that they have to poop. My 7yo does that ALL the time!
That said, it beats the dude who was sitting next to me at breakfast last week talking about how bananas bind him up.
Steph at I’m Still Learning recently posted..BOYS!
I remember that! Too funny.
These are always so funny! Not having kids really cuts down on my need to get colorful.
Annabelle recently posted..Trifecta: The Wanderer
Do you have any pets? Because I say some crazy stuff to my cats, too. (Should I have admitted that?)
I think it was a deer…no, you may NOT take home the jaw and put the teeth under your pillow to get more money from the tooth fair, no matter how clean it looks!
Michelle recently posted..I’m an incompetent tooth fairy
EEeeeeeeeewwwww….
“I just pooted” – loudly and often.
I love what you write….and just so you’ll know how much, I’ve given you the Versatile Blogger Award ~ you can read all about it here!
Thanks!
http://lipstickmargaritasandhairspray.com/2012/08/15/thank-you-thank-you-very-much/
Aw, thank you so much!! I really do appreciate it!
5 and 7??? You mean it won’t end soon???? (Mine are 4, 4, and 2)
Leigh Ann recently posted..Blog material courtesy of your friendly neighborhood YMCA
I’m pretty sure it never ends. EVER. (sorry)
That is so cute! HAhhaha…love the ‘iskustink’ food.
Bree recently posted..I Love Me Monday Link Up
She has always had such great articulation, but she still says “iskustink” and I adore it.
Ahhh…..
Just taking comfort in the fact that it is not just my kids.
Thank for sharing!
just keep swimming recently posted..There’s No Time For Pants! is Swimming With the Telephone
You. Are NOT. Alone.
Hmm, where do I begin??
“Don’t try to push your balls up into your stomach.”
“Stop motorboating your jell-o.”
“could you stop saying ‘anus’ so loudly.”
Frugalistablog recently posted..The most unattractive pictures of me EVAH!
“Stop motorboating your jell-o.” <– And I die laughing.
I hate it when they giggle at my threats. I’ve learned that using any kind of phrase or colloquialism is as effective as hitting myself in the head with a hammer. Actually, that might be effective…
Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? recently posted..A Threesome?
How is it is ANY way unclear that we are mad & threatening them? I just don’t get it. I just don’t get how they find it funny. Sigh. Maniacs…
My girl translates “vulva” to lava. As in, “mom, mom, mom, mom, momMOMMOMMOM – MOMMMMMMMAAAAAAA! LOOOOOOOOOK! Ha, ha, you looked at my lava!”
So, upon watching Shark Boy and Lava Girl, the girl turns to me, confused.
I respond to her gaze, “No, not that lava. I mean she has a lava. No, no she doesn’t, she has a vulva. She’s made of lava. Oh, nevermind”
That is so awesome.
I’ve always called IHOP “birth control.” Spend a Saturday morning in there before you’ve had kids and you may just change your mind on parenthood. Stopping by from Finding the Funny!
Mommys Juice recently posted..Friday Funnies 8.17
I think my ovaries officially died that day and crawled into someone’s plate. It was not a fun visit.
My most memorable thing I’ve said to one of my children: “Get your father’s toothbrush out of the cat’s butt”
I really hope this was followed with “…and get your shoes on so we can buy daddy a new tooth brush”
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Love that you have to clarify when you’re threatening your kids. Not that I have to do this ALL THE TIME or anything with mine. Why can’t they sense the imminent danger if Mommy’s blood sugar is low and they are disrupting her breakfast? Serious transgression.
Meredith recently posted..Why I "Have It Like That"
I have been told my grown adults that I am scary. How are these small people not afraid of me? HOOWWWWW?????!!!!