When he was born, he was the mirror image of his daddy.
Now his eyes match mine.
Weeks of soccer camp made the fuzz at his hairline the familiar white I see in my childhood photographs.
When he says something silly, the same subtle dimple peeks from our right cheeks.
He is changing.
I was seven years old when my family moved to a new town. Most of my memories of that summer are of me sitting on the cement front steps of that tiny house, thinking, wondering, worrying.
Seven is the time when many of us begin to feel the invisible things more tangibly.
I was aware of how alone I was. No real friends. Secrets that I could talk to no one about, and the ones who could read them in my wide eyes or bruised scalp weren’t saying anything.
Loss was rich.
Observations made my pulse volley.
Questions filled the blackness of night as I lay in bed, hearing the click of the minutes moving forward without answers.
I wonder, as I witness my 7yo son seeing everything in new detail as he goes through this stage of change, will he be as much like me on the inside as he is becoming on the outside?
Will he have my blonde hair and my struggle with understanding motives?
Will he have my blue eyes and my frustration that I can’t fix the broken people around me?
Will he have my long legs and difficulty in understanding the games people play?
Or will he roll with the punches?
Will he be able to let go of the pain people cause, and simply enjoy the moments in between?
Will he feel as alone as I was, even when surrounded by others?
Or will he be able to loosen his shoulders to laugh often, even to himself?
Yes, my kids are coming up in a completely different environment than I did. But I believe some parts of us are innate. We are born with them, and then can’t help but pick others up from our parents.
I wish I could cherry-pick the parts of me I give my kids.
I wish I could take this emotionally charged time for my changing boy, the few years before puberty when the mind opens wide before the kid is ready to handle so many truths, and buffer it some.
Make it hurt less. Make less downs. Harness the ups.
Take the parts of me that strengthened as I got older, and give them to him now.
I wish I could take my inability to give a shit when people made fun of me, bullied me, peer pressured me, were clear they hated me for whatever reason, and tuck it inside his heart.
I wish I could take my ability to distract myself when things got hard, when I felt things so real they practically split my skin, and tuck it inside his belly.
I wish I could take my ability to quickly see all sides of a situation, my mind gaining a practical grasp on it that would tide me over when Life got confusing, and tuck it inside his head.
But I can’t.
I know he’s watching me.
I’m trying to do right by him.
I have my issues, I know I do. If I can raise my kids only half as screwed up as I am, then I will have done well.
So I look at what he’s getting from me, inside and out. And I hope. I work. I pray. I talk. I explain. I show.
I love.
I remember all the things that lonely, quiet, over-thinking 7yo girl wished for all those years ago, as she sat on the steps of her tiny new home, wondering Why did they do that to me? Does anyone else feel this way? Where will I go from here?
I try to help him understand that if he trusts himself, he’ll be okay.
But if the questions ever get too hard or he loses his way inside his own head, he will always, always, have me to remind him of everything he deserves.
Oh, my beautiful boy…where will you go from here?
beautiful
my youngest daughter will turn 8 in 4 weeks. She’s getting herself ready for school and growing up fast.
This is such a sweet age. I kind of want to eat him up right now.
That was beautiful, brought tears to my eyes! My baby is 2 1/2 now and I always find myself wondering how his little life is going to turn out and which one of us (my husband or myself) he’ll be more like.
My husband and I have been together for a long time, so I know what’s good and what’s flawed in each of us. I wonder what he (and sister) will get from each of us, genetically or learned. I just want the very best. I really do. I am such a control freak, but this time it’s for good reason. My boy.
Sometimes I think you can read my mind. So many thing you write resonate with me. I too find myself in a struggle to only pass on specific parts of me. I come from a family with specific views on alcohol consumption that I do not wish to pass on to my child. I find my self wondering if he fears any of the things I did growing up. I hope not, I want better for my almost 11 year old (tomorrow is his birthday), but then don’t we all.
We want the best. But I know that so many others who want the best for their kids, don’t give it to them (unintentionally). i don’t want to lose focus on his (and his sister’s) Big Picture when the little moments rush me through the day. I want to do what’s right. It’s so hard to look after yourself AND other people.
It’s true that at age 7 children realize the world beyond their own doorstep.
It’s such a mix of feelings- trying to insulate children to not feel pain. Or, trying to stand by and be strong while they feel the pain so they know how to be stronger from it.
This was a beautiful post.
Frugalistablog recently posted..Ohana means family
I felt lots of pain, and it helped me be more empathetic as an adult.
But I just want my kids to stop hurting when they are crying like he does these days. Ugh. I hate all this growing up stuff.
Love. As always.
Thanks, B.
Everywhere. He will take over the world.
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This is beautiful! My favorite line: “If I can raise a child only half as screwed up as I am, I will have done well.” I think that about my own parenting that way.
Thanks for sharing your favorite line. It’s something I’ve always told myself. My kids will be screwed up – everyone will be in one way or another. I just hope to minimize it. Really, I do.
One of the joys of being a parent is seeing yourself in your children. One of the sorrows of being a parent is seeing yourself in your children.
Megan recently posted..Fifty-Two, Week 2: On Being 45
Yes. EXACTLY. You get me.
YES! Exactly!
JD @ Honest Mom recently posted..Unravelling … And Reassembling
your post brought tears to my eyes. So much of my childhood is a blur, forgotten in time, intentionally I’m sure. I see parts of myself in my daughter who is almost seven and sometimes it terrifies me. But my childhood pain came from the outside, not from within. Thankfully, she’s so very much a miniature version of my husband. For now, at least, able to take on the world “in a single bound” so to speak, with no fear of anything or anyone.
On one hand, I want to prepare my kids for The Awful Stuff. Like, my son asks me if I miss Grandpa (my father, who died a few years ago). Do I answer honestly and say no? Do I explain why? How much do I explain?
On the other hand, he sobbed uncontrollably because he didn’t take a photo of his 1st grade teacher on the last day of school. Little hurts hurt big when you’re going through this developmental stage.
Gah. I wish there was a manual for this…
This resonated so deeply in me. Part of the reason that I never wanted to have biological children is because I never wanted to pass along the screwed up parts of me. Now that I have one, I would never go back. But I also hope that even though I KNOW her biology will control a lot of who she is that she will only get the best parts of her father and me, and that her parents (adoptive – I relinquished at birth and my daughter’s biological father and I are still involved in her life) will be able to tweak the parts of ourselves that I view as negative. It’s hard being a parent sometimes, as rewarding as it can be as well.
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There are so many tough calls when you’re trying to do what’s right for your kids and also be true to yourself. So many really, really tough calls. And that doesn’t even include all the things you have no control of, except your own response.
Gorgeous, and lovely, and painfully honest. Thanks for writing it.
Ninja Mom recently posted..I’m the Boss of Me and There’s a Nightmare in my Closet
Since your oldest & mine are the same age, I know you get this. It’s a doozy.
You made me cry. Beautiful post!
I cried when I finished reading the last edited version of it, and knew it was ready to publish.
So honest. So true. Thank you.
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Thank YOU.
What a beautiful and well-written post!!
Thanks, Heather.
I love this post. It is incredibly beautiful. I think we all must have these same thoughts. I know that every time I look at my son (who is only a little older than yours), he amazes me. I remember looking at his baby face when he slept in my arms and seeing his little boy face emerging from it. And now I look at him and see his big-boy face emerging from the little-boy features. I wonder so often what is happening in his mind. And when I have the chance to get him to tell me about it, I’m so often flabbergasted by the depth and breadth of his understanding of some things and not of others.
He got my bad eyes and has to wear glasses already. He got his dad’s crooked teeth and has braces too. But he’s also, imo, gotten the best of us as well — the intelligence that makes him ask the questions, the compassion and kindness with which he deals with his friends. And knowing that we created this amazing person together, that I was lucky enough that his soul (and his sister’s equally bright and sparkling soul) chose me to carry the body that houses it beneath my heart? There will never be words.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts today.
That was so beautifully said. I look at my kids and think to myself Holy CRAP we MADE them and get to KEEP them!
Lucky us. Lucky, lucky us.
Lucky, lucky us indeed, lady.
Happy birthday, Kiddo. I bet he’ll be good as gold.
Suburban Snapshots recently posted..I’ll Never Be Convinced Otherwise
That’s what I’m hoping for.
What a gorgeous post. I love your funny self so much, but I adore your “serious” posts, too. ‘Cause woman – you can write.
JD @ Honest Mom recently posted..Unravelling … And Reassembling
I had a lot of funny to write last week, so many deadlines and things, but this refused to be ignored. I sat down and wrote it out and couldn’t stop myself. I knew I needed to wait a few days, clean it up a little, and when I cried I knew it was ready to share. Thanks for appreciating it.
Emily is 5. She is going to kindergarten in 21 days (who’s counting).
I can only hope to do 1/2 the job my parents did with me, and can’t help feeling some days that I’m failing miserably.
Your son? will be amazing, and well rounded, and selfless, and well adjusted, well mannered, and educated, and kind. and a million other adjectives – including – fresh, selfish, inappropriate. He will be the best “him” he can be, because of what you’ve instilled in him.
Rest well, you’re doing a great job.
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Ohhhh don’t make me cry. I have things I have to do.
Aww *tears* Very beautiful and I understand this so well. I am at the 13 year old mark with my baby girl.
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I have a feeling the few years before teendom are going to rock my brain. Congrats for making this far with your sanity.
beautiful beyond words. Thank you. I feel so lucky to have found your site.
That was so kind of you to say…
I’ve had so many of the same thoughts and fears about my children’s futures, though they are nowhere near that stage yet.. I tremble both with anticipation and terror at reaching that same, groundbreaking level of development, and only hope that I can process (and express) those same emotions half as beautifully as you have here. Thanks for sharing.
Sharon @ Finding Vanilla Octopus recently posted..Home, Sweet Home
Balance is ridiculously hard when it comes to letting them hurt and protecting them. Ridiculously. HARD.
Thanks for such an understanding reply.
Beautifully said. I’m going though the same thought process when it comes to my 7yo, too. It is clear to me that much of who they are is genetics. But so much more, in my opinion, is upbringing.
Your 7yo is being brought up in a family full of love and laughter. He will not experience the same feelings of loneliness you did. He may have some character traits that he was born with, but how you raise him will determine the man he will become. From what I can tell, you’re doing a bang up job!
Steph at I’m Still Learning recently posted..My New Blog Name: I’m Still Learning
You are too sweet. He’s such a good kid, but so nice, too. I hope he gets a little of my innate toughness. I hope.
You’re right that so much is born-in. You were an introspective little girl. So was I. We grew up in totally different circumstances. It’s the circumstances that matter.
My inner dramas were made up, as your son’s will be. Being introspective is an amazing gift (if I do say so myself). It helps us understand others, because we’ve explored all the nooks and crannies of ourselves, because we spend the time thinking about it.
You’re doing so much right by him. You’re offering him all the things a child really needs, some of them you didn’t have. All the struggles he may have as he grows up, are the ones that will fortify him and make him great.
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I know I need him to struggle some as a kid so he knows how to deal wiht shit when it hits fans when he is older. But I also want to protect him. It’s like a head game, where I simply can’t win. Gah. Motherhood. Why isn’t it easier?
Very lovely post, a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing
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My son turns seven in October and i notice lately that his world is broadening beyond what i present to him, he notices more, he thinks more and feels more…..it could be good and it could be heartbreaking….great post
He BURST out SOBBING a few weeks back as I said Goodbye when leaving to have dinner with my girlfriends. My husband and I were in shock, literally standing there frozen. Husband said “Are you joking?” but he wasn’t. It was so sudden, it was shocking. My poor boy. 7 is a rollercoaster.