I’m an easy flier.
I pack, I go to the airport, I tolerate whatever snafus, talkative seat mates and weather delays get thrown my way with a zen-like patience rarely displayed in my every day life.
Heck, I even arrived at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport last night at 6pm with Husband & kids, only to have our flight delayed so many times and for so long that we didn’t get home in New Jersey until 3:30am this morning. Yet, I just dealt with it by eating lots of caramel corn and handing the iPads over to the kids.
But that doesn’t mean there are things that I witness there that don’t befuddle me.
1. Small bathrooms.
They do realize these only get used in 75-people-at-a-time increments, right?
2. Women dressed like pole dancers.
Platform stilettos and a tissue-thin crop top? Don’t you plan on bloating to manatee proportions once hitting 20,000 feet, like I do?
3. Men in skinny jeans.
Don’t those things need to breathe and stretch at some point during your flight?
4. An abundance of garlic and/or onions in every “To Go” meal offering.
Have these eating establishments no mercy on those who travel in confined spaces next to people with mouths & colons?
5. CNN playing in the gate waiting areas.
Because sitting through a 5-hour delay with crying babies, impatient kids, and farting businessmen isn’t bad enough, we need to be reminded every 7 minutes about how terrible the economy is doing.
6. Totally uncomfortable seats in the waiting areas.
If my kids could get comfortable enough to nap right now, that alone would decrease the volume of this terminal about 100 decibels because I’d be able to turn off the dueling episodes of SpongeBob they are watching on separate iPads.
7. Adults who travel frequently and are old enough to understand how weather, flight control, and plane mechanics can cause plane delays being less able to handle said flight delays than a couple of really, really REALLY tired school-aged kids.
Sir, you are pouting and stomping your foot because you have to sit here by yourself reading the newspaper a little longer than originally planned. Even my melodramatic 5yo is complaining with less flourish than you: Get a GRIP, Dude.
8. Letting the guy who just learned English yesterday make all the really important overhead announcements.
………………………………………..whudhejustsay??
Exactly. People at airports are annoying. And it doesn’t really end on the plane. I sometimes want to remind people on planes who are complaining about pillows or the drink cart moving too slowly that they are using said pillow and waiting for said drink while hovering above the earth. Look out the damn window and enjoy the amazing view.
Glad you made it home.
Kelly O’Sullivan (HILWD) recently posted..The #HILWD Twenty Plus One Do’s and Don’ts of #Parenting
It is so amazing that PLANES CAN FLY. They can sit there on their Smartphones reading the newspaper while waiting to FLY. Buck up, people. This is pretty cool stuff.
Awgh yes!!! When possible, we fly first thing in the morning to limit these incursions of nightmare reality, but it ain’t always possible, and oyvey yeah.
Jester Queen recently posted..Cliffside
We took the last flight due to cost reasons…and boy did we pay for it. Ugh.
I admit- the last one cracked me up the most! Oh heavens, we’re in for a trip to Hawaii next week. Please or pretty please let the travel angels bless us with happy passage- and enough with the gassy on-board meals!!
I was on an overseas trip once and got bumped to Business class (rough, I know) and the meal had lentils in it. LENTILS??
Frugalistablog recently posted..Controversey alert!! I pissed someone off.
You’re going to Hawaii. nothing bad EVER happens on a flight to Hawaii. Been there twice, and I promise you that.
Also: LENTILS??? WTF?
#8#8#8#8….yesssssss!
Our oldest daughter and two Grandsons were caught in a similar snafu last night as they headed back to Tampa. We rushed to get them to JFK for a 7:05 departure only to arrive and see the damn flight delayed for one hour with announcements being made by someone who sounded like an employee of Taco Bell sputtering at the drive-up. The scheduled 8:16 take-off didn’t happen until almost 9 p.m. and Jen had to deal with the glares from cranky-assed old farts who shot dirty looks at my Grandsons.
But, on a nicer note, my son-in-law flew in for a couple of days, had his flight cancelled and was bumped up to First Class. He had the pleasure of sitting across from a “soon to be divorced” mother and her little daughter….named Suri.
Glad you finally made it home!
Patty recently posted..At last..
It is so annoying when people act like THEY were never a kid. I bet all those crackpots who glare at tired kids in airports were total pains in the butt when they were little. TOTAL pains.
Oh, I hear ya. 2 and 3 can be chalked up to “People are vain and/or stupid”. The rest confounds me as much as it does you.
My last flight, I had a 6’6”, 280lb guy next to me. His shoulders were so wide they were in my seat and I had to keep my shoulder pulled forward and rest it back on him. To make matters worse, he complained about Obama making him buy health insurance the whole way. I am Canadian. I do not care. The flight was Seattle to Newark. Then in Newark, the “helpful” people from the airline gave me the wrong gate for my connection (because obviously I wasn’t going to Newark. Who goes to Newark?) and it took me an hour and a half running around Newark airport trying to figure out where the hell I was supposed to be. No one knew. No one was helpful. And when I finally did find someone who knew, she pointed at it, and said, “It’s right there” in the snappiest, snarkiest, rudest voice she could find in her soulless body.
I have no airport/airplane luck whatsoever. This was just the last time I flew. I don’t think I’ve *ever* flown where there were no hitches whatsoever. On the bright side, I have killer awesome parking luck. Like a few years ago, I pulled into the Walmart parking lot, right into the spot next to the handicapped spot. On Christmas Eve.
Luna recently posted..Rape is Hysterical
I’m surprised you got such bad “help” in Newark. Usually they have pretty good staff. Or else, I’m used to assholes. One of those.
When we flew from California to Beijing, I was stuck between my husband – a normal sized human – and a hugely tall and obese man who was so heavy he had to lift his waist fat up, push the arm rest down, then put his waist fat on the armrest to…um…rest. He ate seafood and noodles and garlic the whole flight, burping and farting for 20 hours. GOOD TIMES.
Ugh. You “win”.
The time I was next to an enormously obese guy was actually okay. He got on, sat down next to me, and said, “So, what did you do to piss off the person assigning seats?”
He was delightful and a fabulous person to talk to. Louisiana cajun too, so I got to hear that wonderful accent the whole way.
Luna recently posted..Rape is Hysterical
I could listen to a Louisiana cajun chat away all afternoon. Ahhh…
Both hilarious and maddening. I laughed out loud at the skinny jeans, because I hadn’t thought of their..ahem…needs until you pointed them out.
And the adults who act like children make me so mad I got agitated in my own dining room the day after a terrifically long road trip with children who bicker like the old CrossFire jerks.
Sigh. I wish there was one country for all the nice people who handle adversity well, and a subterranean dungeon on another continent for the whiny, bitchy, selfish f*cks who make adversity feel catastrophic to those of us trying to cope well.
Naptimewriting recently posted..I’m mean.
I will back you up in whatever proposal you put forth to make those countries of good and evil up.
This is absolutely spot. on. We are getting ready to fly with our 5 littles next week, I can only hope it goes smoothly. I am sure there will be some sort of interesting items to blog about through it all. In the meantime, I will brush up on my broken English
You Know it Happens at Your House Too recently posted..This Journey Called Motherhood
LOL! Yes, maybe ride the subway for a couple days and try to decipher what they are saying.
Gah, airports with kids! The only thing worse than that is airports with EVERYBODY ELSE. I’m usually okay at airports, too, unless I’m near the requisite Old Guy With Persistent Hacking Cough who apparently missed the day in kindergarten when they teach you how to cover your mouth. Then I lose my schmidt.
Hollow Tree Ventures recently posted..First Impressions
Oh NO. Not The Hacker. Groooooss.
so flippin true! especially this: “CNN playing in the gate waiting areas.” why? maybe 30 years ago when everyone didn’t have access to CNN it was a swell idea. but now? i don’t know. think i’d rather watch the surgery channel on my fourth hour of flight delay.
fadderly recently posted..5 Reasons Why You Have to Tell Your Kids 50 Million Times to Do Something
How about The Comedy Channel? Or some old John Candy movies? Is that too much to ask?
This is why we drive every where. If I could drive to Hawaii over flying, I would.
My Hawaiian flights always go seamlessly. Ahhh…hawaii….what were we talking about??
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not enough plugs. For the love of God I personally need 3! Also some women’s choice in footwear makes my feet hurt in my sensible sneaks!
Julia’s Math recently posted..Six On Sunday, Version 11
There’s always a chatterbox, a stinky person, or someone who is Just Plain NUTS plugged into the only outlet, forcing you to stay nice & close until fully charged. Good times.