Friday night was my friend’s birthday, so a bunch of us went out for dinner, drinks and some dancing.
It was a typical night that began with baked ziti at The Birthday Girl’s house and ended with us watching a Flashdance-dressed transvestite shaking his/her thang to a mash up of Bon Jovi & MC Hammer at a local total dive club.
At the midway point, people were showing up to the outdoor restaurant we stopped in, to join our group. Not everyone at the table knew one other, so another friend (in red, who was braless & kept flashing me) was making a point to do the rounds as new people arrived.
This is essentially how it went:
BRALESS FRIEND IN RED: This is my Mom Friend, Kim.
ME: What The Fug? “MOM Friend”? Now all she can see are my episiotomy scars and stretch marks. Thanks, bitch.
BFIR: WHAAAAAHHHT?? You’re my friend and a mom! You don’t LIKE that? [crinkles nose adorably & innocently]
ME: Duh. NO. Pick something else. That has nothing to do with my uterus.
BFIR: Like what? [hands on hips, cocks head]
ME: How about, This is my friend, Kim.
PERSON SHE’S INTRODUCING TO ME [who was at first leaning in to shake my hand, and now is leaning away from me]: Hi…uhhh…Kim…?
BFIR: But she’ll have questions for me, like how did we meet and where and how long have we known each other and stuff like that.
ME: [to my BFIR] Answer questions on a Need To Know Basis. Don’t start with childbirth. Start with my name. [to PSIMT] Hi, nice to meet you. Sorry we’re talking about my uterus.
At this point, the person she’s introducing me to has snuck away and situated herself on the polar opposite side of the table as me & my Braless Friend in Red.
Even by the end of the night, I could not convince my Braless Friend in Red that it wasn’t cool being introduced right off the bat as Mom First, Kim Second.
Maybe it’s because she somehow manages to be even sexier now than she was pre-kids. I don’t know. (I hate her I’m happy for her, but don’t dwell on that) I’m guessing that if people introduce her as their “Mom Friend”, the new person looks at her and declares “Impossible! She appears completely untainted by Motherhood!”
I’m not quite as lucky as she is. I wear “Mom” on my (wide, faded Target) sleeve. When I’m away from the kids, I’d like the other parts of me to shine. Like my…ummm…err….anything but my uterus.
This is not a difficult request.
I simply do not want my uterus to shine when I’m out with my friends, meeting new people.
I want me to shine, instead.
The next time you are out and want to introduce a friend of yours, even if you met through your kids because you are both mothers, I BEG of you to introduce your friend only as Her Name of Great Awesomeness.
If the fact that she starts yawning by 8:45pm doesn’t give her away, the Mom Jeans she was wearing when she stepped out of the gold minivan she drove there in might just do the trick.
So throw the poor girl (me) a bone and don’t point out the obvious. Please. Just give the girl a chance to make her own good first impression.
At least until the new acquaintance looks down and sees the Mom Jeans.