When couples move in together, it’s like Wild Animal Kingdom in their homes for the first few years: Clothes are barely worn, someone’s always being either chased or mounted, copulation sounds bounce of walls of every room at regular intervals.
As the years pass and the couple becomes a family, the household activities change.
But the sounds around a home don’t.
Sexy Sounds That Totally Aren’t What They Used to Be
1. Repeated Creaking of a Bed = Kid jumping on the bed.
2. High-pitched Oh! Oh! Oh! = The last few moments of a coveted eBay item being watched in the hopes of a winning bid.
3. Slapping of Thighs = Swimsuit season has arrived, so the dusty ThighMaster is being put to use.
I find it works better when you don’t eat a bite of ice cream after each squeeze.
4. Heavy Breathing = Recovery from walking up a flight of stairs.
5. Loud, Deep, Sigh = Exasperation over a discovered pile of dirty laundry when she thought she had finished all of it that morning.
6. Someone Shouting F*ck me! = Just stepped in cat puke while barefoot.
7. Mechanical Vibrations in the Shower Followed By Screams = The furious facial rubbing of a Clarisonic Microdermabrasion tool in an attempt to shrink wrinkles splashes stinging scrubbing beads in her eye.
8. Deep grunting = Someone went from sitting to standing.
Aw, man. That looks EXHAUSTING.
9. Sweet-Talking Mumbles Peppered with Giggling = There’s a new kitten in the house being petted (<– this is not a euphemism).
10. Sudden Gasp = The inhalation of sinus medication to control Post Nasal Drip.
11. Actual Rowdy Sex Sounds = The TV was left on, tuned to HBO.
I think I just strained a muscle from laughing so hard.
Add that to the list: Nowadays, giggling followed by a surprised gasp = I just pulled a muscle laughing because I’m OLD.
JD @ Honest Mom recently posted..Things I’m Afraid to Tell You
LOL! This happens to me, too.
Love it. You can add the phrase “stripping the bed” to the list…and I’m not married or a parent.
Abby recently posted..Sweet Advice
Oh yes, stripping the bed sounds sexy…but totally isn’t.
So true and hilarious!!!
Thanks, Christie!
The phrase “I’m not wearing any underpants” is now shrieked by a preschooler and followed by hysterical giggles…
Ohhh yeahh…errrr. Nevermind.
“(<– this is not a euphemism)." LMAO… I think I just pulled a groin muscle laughing…which is the only way that happens these days.
Paige Kellerman recently posted..Letters From the Shallow End: And They Called Her "Outcast"
Exactly.
Ok, I’m gonna throw it out there… the phrase, “Let me spread those for you,” only happens when my husband is offering to make the peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. Good night folks. Be sure to tip your waitress.
Paige Kellerman recently posted..Letters From the Shallow End: And They Called Her "Outcast"
The only thing getting spread are newspapers, peanut butter on bread, or butt cheeks to apply hemorrhoid cream. HOT.
OHMOG. I wish I had written this! SO FREAKING FUNNY!!!
The Bearded Iris recently posted..I was a teenage bully.
Thanks, Beardy! I knew you’d like it if I talked about s-e-x.
That’s great. My favorite is going from sitting to standing. It’s a sure sign that our bodies aren’t what they used to be. Great post!
It’s not sexy AT ALL.
Oh yeah, and the TV being left on. That’s a good one! So true in my house!
Steph at The Healthy Mom recently posted..What is a good mom?
Skinemax, baby.
twenty years ago, a woman screaming my name from the bedroom was something fun and awesome. Now? it means I bought the wrong conditioner, used the wrong razor, or the dog jumped on the bed and won’t get off.
Lance recently posted..Hustle and Cuss
Hilarious!
I hate it when my wife yells at/towards me, because she doesn’t like it when I yell back. She’ll be like, “NEEAALLL!” and I’ll be like, “WHHHATTT!?” And she’ll be like, “JUST COME HERE!” I figure if you start a conversation using all caps, you should be willing to have that conversation the way you started it.
neal recently posted..Pirate scars
Too funny. I particularly liked #7!
Buzzzzzzzz…..
Bahaha! So hilarious and so true!
Thanks, dear!
Amazing!! And oh, #3–the bane of my existence…
Meredith recently posted..Longwood Gardens: The Monday Review
Suzanne Somers is the bane of your existence? I totally get that.
Ha! I meant dreading the slapping of my thighs, but Suzanne works too–seriously slammin’ unitard there
Meredith recently posted..The Summer It List
OOoooohhhhh. Yeah. That makes more sense.
Brilliant.
And three in the bed is not a threesome.
Wub Boo Mummy recently posted..How to achieve the perfect Daddy tantrum
3 is bed is the letter “H” with someone getting kicked in the spleen at all times.
Hilarious! Getting older sucks, eh?
Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..I Cracked A Century
It’s not the most titillating thing that’s ever happened…I’ll say that.
LOVED this, Kim. Just Awesome!!
Susan recently posted..How to Give your Guests a Phallic Welcome
Thanks for spreading it all around, Susan! Mad love, girl…
Love, love, love it! The cat puke made me giggle and the “this is not a euphemism” made me laugh out loud. Thanks. I was having a rough day. New fan right here!
Sorry you had a rough day. I finding nothing cheers me up like a good cat puke laugh.
This makes me wonder what I ever did with that thighmaster – I wouldn’t have thrown that away for sure. Great list! I think I sadly relate most with the cat puke – not sexy at all!!
Do they sell them anymore? I’d love one with my name on it. Personalized stuff is awesome.
Haha.. hilarious. My favorite? Definitely #6
Justine recently posted..Colored Pencil Art Appreciation – Arts and Crafts Hobbies For All Ages
Is there anything else people say when they step in a gob of cat puke? I’m guessing, no.
Lol–these are all so true! “Just stepped in cat puke while barefoot” rang especially true with me, except that I always seem to be wearing socks at that moment. Might be worse.
Crazed in the Kitchen recently posted..Why Wine and Group Exercise Classes Don’t Mix
Ewww! Socks in puke is such a nasty feeling. BLECH. Not. Sexy.
Hilarious! I almost pissed my pants on number 6 because I just said that exact thing the other day when I stepped in cat puke.
Ugh. That is soooooo grooooooss.
Did you set up a camera in my house? I could relate to all of the above!
Hilarious!
Kerry at HouseTalkN
HouseTalkN recently posted..I’ll Meet You "In The Powder Room"
Iiiiiii’mmmm waaaaaaatchinnnnggg youuuuuuuu……
LOL perfect timing! I just downloaded “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel.
Bree recently posted..I Love Me Monday Link Up
I just cried a bit from laughing so hard! I just discovered your blog and am currently throwing cookies at my kids to make them shut up while I read (3 1/2 years old and 10months old)…
Awwww…distracting young children with sugar, you’re just my type of girl! Now toss them another and read “I Showed You Mine So You Showed Me Yours”, which is listed under the Favorite Posts tab.
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