I was tricked by a smile.
I was fooled by optimistic words.
I let myself be wooed by a familiar laugh.
Which makes the loss so much more confusing.
I found out she died by the CallerID of a mutual friend. I hadn’t chatted with my friend on the phone in a while, and when I cheerily greeted her, I heard the sadness over the line. I knew the purpose of the call before I knew the purpose of the call.
She was gone.
A wife, a mom, a woman who slayed cancer twice and made me – and so many others – think she could do it a third time.
Gone.
It doesn’t matter how close you are or are not to someone when they die so young, or whether you even knew them at all. The unfairness of it is awful. What it can do to the recesses of your mind is befuddling.
I imagine hundreds of befuddled people to be walking around today, wondering what the hell just happened.
I have a tendency to compartmentalize, to put things on a shelf until I can deal with them. I did it yesterday, this morning, but now I am alone. In a silent house. Wondering about how I didn’t see it coming. Discovering I somehow knew it was coming.
My heart breaks for her little boys who will grow up not knowing the way she could bring people together, the naughtiness of her smirk, the generosity of her spirit.
My brain is dizzied by the wonder of how her husband can even stand up with all this pain in his heart.
And I keep hearing her voice saying: If you only had 10 years left, how would you live it?
I will sit with this question for now. I will hold it close as I don black clothes, tuck tissues in a purse, pay my respects at her funeral service, hug those deeply entwined in her life and those who met her only once but were affected by all she can do to a person.
I will lay in bed feeling thankful for my breath, my family, and fully absorb the lessons, the reminders that death deals out.
I will look inside for my answer to her question.
I will find a shred of good in the sadness of the world unfairly losing another young mother before her time. Way before her time.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
For more, read the Favorite Posts page.
Kim- Thank yo for sharing this for the world to see. I am going to miss her so much. I feel my pain and I can only imagine the pain her husband and little boys are feeling right now. I hugged my little boy so hard last night, that I thought he would burst.
I told Devin what had happened. I had to. He saw my sadness and asked if someone had died. I had to tell him–in a way a 61/2 year old can understand. I could not lie–He was very sad for Ethan. He wanted to know where Lauren was and who was going to take care of Ethan and his brother. What a conversation to have with my little boy…
Laurens beautiful Spirit and Love for Life will ALWAYS be with us ALL. She will Live through ALL the people’s lives she has touched in So many ways. I miss you Lauren and will think of you Always.
Thank you Kim for letting me write this. xoxox
This reply did more for my post than I did. Thanks for sharing your heart here.
I am so sorry.
TheKitchenWitch recently posted..Just Write: In the Superama
Thank you.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Thanks, Amy.
Oh Kim. I am so sorry … So very sorry.
Thank you for that.
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this grief. It’s so heartbreaking when a person dies too young, leaving behind a family who will somehow have to move forward without her.
Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? recently posted..A Song for Retirement?
I know that people do this, they mourn and move on and live and do ok. But it’s going to be hard seeing them without her there. Crazy.
Agreed
Monica recently posted..Electric Wheatgrass Juicer VS Manual Wheatgrass Juicer
Oh Kim, the sorrow your express is so true. You’ve written a beautiful tribute, but it can’t bring her back, and I know that’s part of your point. All the writing in the world can’t undo the unfair theft of life. My sister-in-law’s best friend fought down cancer twice, much like your friend. And she was laid low the third time, killed. But she was still herself. In the weeks before her death, she fought for life, gracefully, with humor. She wanted so badly to see her three boys grow up. She hung on for a full year beyond her prognosis, each futile treatment another moment bought with her sons and husband. In the end, she did it so they could have her as long as possible, and so she could have herself, so that when she died, the youngest might be old enough to remember her his whole life.
Jester Queen recently posted..The Marriage At The Rue Morgue
It helps me to write about these things that happen, the ones that catch me and make me stop. Maybe that’s the point? We’ll see.
Omg Kim, I just cried reading this! So sorry for your loss, it mus be beyond devastating.
Sorry to get you upset, too! It’s sad to think about anyone dying before their time, but I had to share this today. Had to.
So sorry for your loss, Kim. One of my greatest fears is to leave my kids too soon while they need me, so my heart goes out to her boys and husband. So sad.
Paige Kellerman recently posted..Well Burn My Bra:The Top Five Things I’ve Just Now Realized About Concerts….
Me, too. I absolutely worry about this, too.
Our paths crossed because our kids are the same age, because we had mutual friends and began our lives as Moms at the same time. I heard through others of her struggles and yet all I remember is her energy and zest eachtime I saw her. I hurt today as a Mom of two boys and as a daughter – grateful to have my Mom and to have had my Dad as long as I did. I hurt as a wife. Even though she was a woman who was sprinkled here and there in my life over the last six years, she has acted as a strong reminder that each day I have with my family, with my boys is a chance I have to leave my mark and lead with love, because tomorrow isn’t promised to me. I think that is a legacy she will have for all the Moms who witnessed her quiet strength.
Anne- That was beautiful. Very well said.
Perfectly put, Anne. Perfectly put.
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. I’ll keep your friend and her family and loved ones in my thoughts.
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..Andrews Air Show (USO Volunteering Gone Lazy)
I appreciate that, Megan.
I’m so sorry. She was so, so lovely and will be terribly missed. I agree that everyone is walking around town in a haze today. Because it could have been any one of us. And because it wasn’t.
I did not know her as well as you did, but the heartbreak for her husband and boys tears through my heart. I lost a dear, dear friend last year and I’m sorry to say that I know your pain all too well. It’s so hard — it’s a blow to your soul. All my sympathy to you, her close friends and family. I am thinking of all of you.
Thanks, Kim. The running joke was that she was like 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon, only there was never more than 2 people between anyone in the community and her. She was that kind of person, the one who makes everyone feel welcome.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. Losing someone at any age is hard, but when they are young and vibrant it hurts the most.
You and your friends and family are in my thoughts.
Vicky recently posted..The Countdown has begun….
Seeing a mom in her 40s not get the chance to watch her kids grow makes me sad and mad then sad again. So unfair. Thanks for your kind thoughts.
Kim this was so beautiful! I cried in public at karate, just thinking of Lauren and the impression she left on me only meeting her twice! First time she came right out and said….” u look like a city girl….”she was so direct! I feel her loss as a mother of a son. I wondered all day what my kids and husband would done without me….
It gets you thinking, doesn’t it?
Oh, Kim, I’m so so sorry. I don’t know what else to say except that.
JD @ Honest Mom recently posted..This is what depression looks like.
That’s plenty. Thank you.
I should have given you a bigger hug when I had the chance.
Ninja Mom recently posted..The Three Under and My Friend Rabbit
It was big enough. Your hugs are big enough.
Pingback: Cancer Sucks. Let’s Kick its Ass Together. | Let Me Start By Saying…
My heart is breaking for her little boys… My mom is currently fighting a losing battle with Lung Cancer and I fortunately have had 33 wonderful years to drink every ounce of her in.. I hope that through pictures and stories from family and wonderful friends they will be able to always remember their Mom as fondly as you do…
I am so sorry about your mom. My mom had cancer a few years go and beat it, but it made me think a lot about what it would be like to lose my mother at your age. It was tough. No matter what, it’s tough.
I’m sure so many people will make sure my friend’s boys know all about their mom, and their wonderful dad will do a great job, too.
Kim, Diane and ladies,
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. It is a true tragedy when a mother of young children passes away.
Kim, what a beautiful post. Let me know if you need a hug. I can be there in 30 seconds .
Steph at The Healthy Mom recently posted..My Top 10 Fears for the Summer
Thank you, Steph. Thanks.
Kim, Wow. What a moving testimony to your friend, Lauren. Reading the comment is just as moving. It sounds like she was an amazing woman who touched all of your lives. I’m so sorry for your loss and for her family’s loss. Hug your family and friends close and take a moment to cherish one another. Sending you strength…
Thanks, Jen. Diane’s comment sums up so much of what so many people that of Lauren. I’m glad she did that.
I appreciate all the kind words. Thank you.
So sorry for the loss of your friend. A few years ago, when dealing with the death of my young friend, Erin, I read “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis.
There’s a point in the book where he talks about man having to deal with grief, a burden spared the animals and flowers. Of all living things, man alone must grieve. But we are also the only living things to experience joy, understand humor, and feel love. Grief comes with the package.
So allow yourself to grieve. But carry alongside with your grief gratitude for your blessings, and love for all you’ve known.
The Lucky Mom recently posted..A study of cause and effect: If you give a boy a paintbrush
Such a beautiful comment, such lovely advice. Thank you.
So sorry for your loss and will keep her family in my thoughts tonight. I will give extra, big hugs and kisses because of this post. She must have been a wonderful woman.
Bethany Thies recently posted..Organic + Conventional – Big Box Store > Shopping Local = First World Problems
Thanks, Bethany. I, too, squeezed my kids a bit tighter last night than usual.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I hope writing about it has helped. Thank you too for reminding me to appreciate every moment we have with our loved ones. Hugs to you.
It helped to get this out. The funeral and services and shiva were therapeutic, too. A lot to think about, a lot to mourn, but a lot to be thankful for, too.
I’m so sorry for your loss and my heart is breaking for her boys and husband. It seems that everyone knows someone who has cancer or has died of cancer…. And it just Sucks! It really sucks when it’s someone young. My BFF’s son is battling Lymphoma right now.. This is hard.. He’s 10. But your story really hits home for me today.. Last week I went for my first mammogram, and Tuesday they called me to say it was abnormal snd I have to come in for a Diagnostic Mammogram. Talk about walkin around in a daze .. My appt was today, and my sweet hubby came with me (he was really scared) thank God, the results were normal and everything was fine.. But sitting in the gown waiting for the radiologist to read my films was the longest moments of my life. But it realky put things in perspective snd to not take things for granted..
A thin gown and a cold room waiting to see if you’re okay is scary stuff. Been there.
I’m glad you are okay, really, I am.
It reaches too many people, and we need it to just stop, dammit. Just STOP.
I am sending huge hugs your way…and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine.
I appreciate that, Erin.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for everyone that knew her.
Robbie recently posted..Saturday Seven: Annoyances
And that’s a LOT of people. She was a magnet.
Feeling for you but words fail me.
idiosyncratic eye recently posted..WOE: To the Moon
I so understand. Thank you for just saying that. It’s enough.
A eloquent and beautiful tribute to a woman who was obviously remarkable.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Angie @ The Little Mumma recently posted..Who The Hell Am I?
Thank you, Angie. She was taken much too soon, for sure.
I don’t always comment, but I always read. This has me choked up and looking around the room saying silent “thank you’s” for another day with my George and my dogs and my comfy flip flops and photo albums and favorite blanket. I am so sorry for your loss, for her family’s loss, and for the heartbreak that you are all having to endure.
Thank you, Jen. And it’s nice to know you’ve been around, even if you have been quiet.