I’ve had enough, ThankYouVeryMuch.
1. Rice
My kid doesn’t eat it. She celebrates gravity with it.
Then I have to make her celebrate the Swivel Sweeper with it.
2. Black Magic Markers
Kids never use any color other than this to write all over their bodies. I don’t think I need to bother with the other thousand colors available. They only go for black.
You. Are Not. PAPER!
3. Caillou
Do I even have to explain?
4. Fox News
They somehow even make a pleasant forecast sound like a horrifying emergency.
Calm DOWN, people.
Either I took a photo of my TV on a nice day, or I totally made this up. You decide. Oh, wait…it’s Fox so I should furrow my brows and ominously shout: YOU DECIDE!
5. Glitter
Three flecks adhere to the glue on their artwork. Three ounces somehow make their way onto my walls, the carpet upstairs, the stones on the fireplace, the cat, and the bottom of my kids’ shoes (even if they aren’t wearing any).
6. Saltine Crackers
Wonderful for tummy aches. Terrible for those who hate to vacuum her couch, kitchen and carpets each time her kid takes a bite of one.
Also: why do I always find Saltine crumbs in my bra hours after eating them?
7. “That Kid”
You know the one who whines too much and who is rude and too rough every time on the playground and the parents simply won’t do anything about it. Him/Her.
Sorry, kid, but you’re not invited here ever again. You can blame your parents for letting you be such an asshole.
What’s on your list?
I have to admit that I eat rice everyday, but whenever I accidentally drop some–103 percent of the time in some way, shape or form–I loudly proclaim that it is THE hardest thing in the world to clean up. I don’t know if it’s worse when it’s cooked or raw, as it’s either sticky to the tile or impossible to dust bust up.
As for markers and glitter, no and no, even to me as an adult. Same with the news and “that kid,” as I don’t understand either one of them.
My list basically is just “other people,” as they track in the things like bugs and dirt that I most try to avoid. Well, unless they’re bearing food or Vodka or something. Then they just have to take off their shoes…
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I swear, rice lasts forever. I will wash, clean, vacuum and STILL it is everywhere for days after my kid eats it.
When people bring me booze, I give them free reign of my house. Hell, I’d even let them eat rice while Walking Around. !!!
Rice, glitter AND Easter grass!!!
and Christmas tree tinsel!
silly bands….they are just like glitter and show up everywhere in my house
Moon sand. WTF is up with that stuff? And marbles. Pointless choking hazards.
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Neither one have crossed my threshold. I don’t even understand their EXISTENCE.
Your list is perfect – I second all those things. And your observation regarding bra crumbs is sadly true – am I really that big a slob AND so oblivious to being a slob that I don’t notice half a sleeve of crackers sprinkling down my shirt? I guess so. As for impossible cleaning, it’s a toss up between rice and glitter if you ask me, but Cheerios that’ve been discarded and then crushed underfoot are no walk in the park either.
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Cheerio Powder was in Dante’s Inferno somewhere, I’m sure of it.
Ok, I stopped buying glitter a few years ago, and it has been awesome!!! It is OK to be the house that doesn’t have glitter anymore. I give you permission!
My pet peeve is stupid stuff that people put in goodie bags for bday parties. I am all for something really fun and useful, but I seriously think just filling them with plastic junk for me to throw away and fill a landfill with should be outlawed!
Ali from Daughter-in-Law Diaries recently posted..I Feel Left Out!
I always, always step on some sharp little piece of goodie bag crap hurting my foot when I go near a toy box in this house. I hate them. HATE.
Oh my gosh! I SOOOO agree with you on the party favor crap! Buy the kids a $5 gift card instead or better yet, DON’T DO PARTY FAVORS AT ALL!!! Call me a Grinch if you want to. I think the party favor trend is ridiculous. I would much rather leave the party with my kid all sugared up and hyper rather than all sugared up & hyper with plastic toys that are going to break exactly 3.2 nanoseconds into the car ride home, which, combined with the ensuing meltdown and sugar crash, will ensure that I have a perfectly miserable ride home.
Best goody bag gift my kid received was a dollar bill. They are thrilled with money at that age. I’m going to do the same thing next party myself.
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What’s NOT on my list? Hmmm, where to start:
1. Dirt tracked in the house every time I turn around
2. Dog hair
3. My kids leaving their crap all over the place
4. My husband leaving his crap all over the place
5. Junk mail
Steph at The Healthy Mom recently posted..“My hands are sexy”
Dog hair. DOG HAIR. I’d probably lose my mind if I had a dog. I barely notice it in other people’s houses, but I’ve had a couple people bring their dog in here for a short visit and I was so distracted by the trail of fur that I couldn’t carry a conversation.
A couple of replies to your list
1. Rice
My first dates with my husband corresponded exactly with my Mom’s discovery that Sam’s Club sold things in bulk. He ate a lot of rice. She marveled at her new abilities to by a 36 pack of Charmin and school-cafeteria sized cans of baked beans. He told her, “You know, they have fifty pound bags of rice. You should get me one.” He told her this every time we saw her for three months.
I said, “Scott, if you keep this up, she’s going to do it.”
He did not believe me until she walked three flights up to his apartment in graduate housing with fifty pounds of rice. FIFTY POUNDS of white rice. I had learned the trick of freezing rice to make it last longer, so we froze it and stored it in various glass jars. We gave it away for Christmas to relatives in adorable decorated jars. Yes we did. FIVE YEARS LATER when we finally finished it all (and yes, it kept well), she turned around and bought us eleven pounds of basmati rice.
3. Caillou
Do I even have to explain? No you do not.
4. Fox News
Already done.
5. Glitter
I agree that it’s OK to be the glitter free house. We have none. It is sooo good.
My additions
Squinkies. Who the hell gave these to my children?
Orbeez. Who the hell… Oh … it was my mother.
legos. Sorry. I’m stuck with these. But OW.
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Holy Chickenballs, that is a LOT of rice.
Ugh, glitter. I hate it with a passion. I cringe at Christmas time. Cards, ornaments, and decor with glitter all over it inevitably finds it’s way to me. Hate that shit! Even the kids’ prized artwork from school gets an “ooo and aah” then straight to the trash. Reading back on this, maybe I need some therapy. Long repressed glitter-incident in my childhood?? Hmmm
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Every day from December 1st – when the holiday cards start arriving – through around March 1st, someone around here says “Hold on, you have some glitter near your eye…”
DANGER! DANGER!
Caillou – we get that here in New Zealand too. My kids love it for some unfathomable reason.
Why do I find cracker crumbs in my bra when I haven’t even eaten them?
Glitter – it’s the herpes of the craft world.
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The things I find in my bra are astonishing. And I am in no way speaking of my breasts.
So if my kid is an asshole, and I’m firm and consistent and reasonable but expect age appropriate behavior and he’s still an asshole, how often can we come over?
Does the answer change if I invite you over for a glitter and saltine and black marker project?
Naptimewriting recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
If your kid is a Funny Asshole, not a Mean Asshole, you’re welcome any time. For hours and hours on end. (Seriously. COME ON OVER.)
We’ll come to you only if the markers are washable, and we can shower after using glitter. (Not together, that would be weird.)
LOL!
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i couldn’t be more with you on this list. it’s like you crept into my mind and pulled this out. but, ummm…if you really did creep into my mind and only pulled this out, then…whew!!!! could’ve gotten into some real trouble there!
HATE Caillou…
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Don’t worry, I left all the questionable stuff in there.
Glitter is the herpes of crafting supplies.
Exactly.
Play-doh…I HATE play-doh. If you buy it for my kid it will be trashed within 10 seconds of you walking out my door!
Yo Gabba Gabba is my Caillou.
Little plastic Army men, If I find another one with my foot I might just go insane!
My 5yo can turn Play-Doh into dust. It makes my brain hurt.
I only give my kids Play-doh other people buy for them. Otherwise I make my own so I care a lot less if it’s destroyed quickly. It’s pretty easy to make and if you make a big enough batch, you keep some aside in a ziploc and it keeps for 6 months (and homemade is easily washed away with water).
PlayDoh. It is banned from my home. I also banned Barney.
The “B Word” is not allowed in my home. Ever.
You obviously dont have Kinder surprises in your house (Didnt I hear they were banned in the States?) Those dastardly little toys you have to have an engineering degree to put together with even tinier stickers AND THEN “LOSE” the pieces to until you find them in the sofa cushions or underfoot at three oclock in the morning, 5 months later. They are right up there with Crappy happy Meal toys.
OH. MY. GOD. I thought we had just about covered it here until I went to see what my 4yold was doing: the little helion had found how to decorate the living room with pencil shavings! hqdfjkvwsflmwn xdfvn :dvfw d:fv;*
*dramatically shoots herself under the chin, slumps on keyboard
Not pencil shavings! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Barney. Good grief I just want to shoot the TV anytime the littles turn that on.
Polly Pockets. Not only do my girls walk around chewing on their clothes like gum, but I get so tired of picking up little shoes and hats and purses. These little plastic girls have a better wardrobe than me.
Legos. No explanation necessary here.
Love this, and I banned black markers years ago!!
Yes! Why do kids chew on PP’s clothes? WHY???
You forgot one thing…that Perfect Mother. You know, the one who, whether she has kids or not, loooks down her nose at you and how you raise your kid(s). Like when you let your child play video games for 3 hours straight so you can get some work done, or when you let him have popcorn for breakfast because he is old enough now to fix it himself and you are tired, damnit. Or when you exclaim loudly how much your tummy hurts so you can lock yourself in the bathroom with a glass of wine and and a magazine and get one freakin’ minute without non-stop running commentary on the injustices of 4th grade life or constant demands for entertainment or food or attention…Not that I would ever do those things. But I have heard that others do.
The Perfect Mother wouldn’t step foot in my home to begin with.
I tend to scare them off.
Those sticky hands.temporary (white trash) tattoos.Cheetos, Honestly cleaning orange crap off EVERYTHING for days. Goldfish crackers, who knew when they get thrown into a ceiling fan they leave grease marks on your walls that require you to repaint. Nerf guns. Toys that require batteries…. Oh and on those asshole kids, when my son gets invited to their birthday parties, I give them face paint. For some reason they never Ask to come over after that???
OMG, how did I forget the sticky hand?? I had one stuck to my ceiling…thanks, kid!
In my house it’s less about the rice, and more about the shredded cheese. I feel like saying to her, “why don’t I just save you some time and dump this whole bag on the floor under your chair?” And then the dog, who normally loves cheese, will patently ignore it.
Shredded cheese likes to hide in the crevices of chairs. Ew.
Ugh, rice is the worst to clean up. I’m also gonna second you on the cracker issue..or any other cracker or cookie for that matter. Why is there always a deep ravine filled with crumbs in my bra? Why???
Paige Kellerman recently posted..I Like My Tradition Rolled In Coconut and Stress
It is so confusing. I wish I had an answer to our cracker dilemma.
Spiders. Damn spiders, always being crawly and evil. NOT IN MY HOUSE, DAMMIT.
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I’m gonna One-Up your spider issue with a single word: MOTHS. *shudders*
I’m just a kid who’s four. Each day I die some more. I’ve got the cancer, I’m Caillou..
OMG, you’re so twisted. Please come back again, any time. (You, not Caillou)
I love this! and I totally get #7, my 2 boys are sweet (at least to other kids, not really each other) and other kids just plow over them. No asshole-kids allowed over!!
Yes. When I see other sweet kids get plowed by the assholes, I go nuts.
Oh the rice! I made the mistake of giving some to my 20 month old son at dinner the other night even though we’re in the middle of selling our house and had an Open House the next day. I still don’t know what I was thinking.
Also, grass clippings are my nemesis. Even if we take our shoes outside of the house it still manages to sneak in some how. That and the little green ‘needles’ from the artificial Christmas tree. We didn’t even set it up this year and I still found some when I swept this past weekend.
Xmas tree needles are my nemesis.
Caillou, rice, glitter, and stickers (especially little tiny ones).
A couple years ago, my mom sent the kids confetti stickers in their Valentine’s Day cards. So it’s stickers the size of confetti. All over my home.
I banned her from visits until she signed documents swearing to never, EVER do that again.
I agree with all of those…except my black Sharpie. I hoard Sharpies. Even if my children tattoo themselves up and down, I love those things. And saltines. Can’t live without those because it’s about all my husband eats.
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I love Sharpies and hide them from the kids. They make me happy happy, as long as my kids don’t know they exist.
I actually do craft with kids at my church, I definately have a NO GLITTER policy. It’s worse than sand, you find it weeks later in the oddest places.
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I always end up with glitter in my eye, tearing my cornea. Glitter hates me.
Safety scissors. After all my years as a Cub Scout leader and Catechism teacher I accumulated about 20 pair (really). They’re everywhere. Sometimes I think they’re multiplying under the cover of darkness.
The Lucky Mom recently posted..Moral Relativism: How I taught my son to tell a lie.
I hear Safety Scissors are very fertile and horny. A bad combination.
That’s a great list but you forgot popcorn. I find it everywhere. Especially the unpopped kernels. I think they spit them across the room. Also, the vacuum won’t pick it up. It pushes it around until it finally gets lodged in a corner somewhere and I have to figure out where in the world my kids put the damn attachments after they were finished using them as ninja swords.
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Popcorn, yes. Ooooooohhhh yes.
I would like to ban puzzles from my home. The kids rarely do them and when my older one actually does decide to do one, my little one is right nearby to mess it up. And then he gives up and I am finding rogue puzzle pieces all around my house for days. This is why most of our puzzles have missing pieces. Which then causes tears when the puzzle is almost complete. I am rambling now. Are you still with me?
Also? Vomit. Vomit is welcome to never come to my house. Please stay far away.
Ali recently posted..The Confessional
Puzzles are AWFUL. The worst.
My MIL gave the kids those wooden puzzles that makes sounds, only they were possessed. Whenever someone turned on/off the lights, they’d calmly declare “Z is for Zebra” or make construction noises. When our basement flooded, I pretended they were ruined. They were actually bone dry, but I had to get rid of them somehow.
I banned those damned
Ittle bead jewelry making kits that my daughter would receive every yearfor Christmas – it really would have been more efficient if instead of wrapping the gift and giving it to her they would just come to my house and dump all of those little freaking beads all over my carpet so I could at least get a jump on vacuuming it all up. And amen to everyone who mentioned their kids / spouses eyc leaving their crap , trash clothes shoes glasses phones …. All over the house and then bitch that it’s not where they left it…. Put it away ! Here is a novel idea put it in your own room then you know where you put it!
And as far as the asshole kid goes I’m with you but what do u do if the asshole is your sister’s kid?? Hmmmm
I think a memo goes out that EVERYONE ON EARTH is to give your daughter one of those necklace making kids for her 4th birthday. We got about 20 of them last year, I swear to you. I told her that there’s 1 plastic bin for them. Whenever I find a kit not in the bin, it got sin the garbage & whatever’s on the floor gets vacuumed up. And I followed through on it. So far, I’ve been able to toss out/vacuum up 18 of those kits. BWAH AH AHHH!!!!
If your sister’s kid is the asshole? Tell her to keep an eye on her asshole or she can’t come over anymore. Change the locks. Change your phone number. Witness protection identity change. Etc.
“Glitter is the herpes of the craft world” best line ever!
Things to ban from my house:
-Pink Toothpaste: You all know why.
-Stickers: Every day I find a sticker on the bottom of my foot or inside the dryer.
-Little Socks that do not match: I am only going to buy white socks from now on, that are all the same.
Great list!
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” Every day I find a sticker on the bottom of my foot or inside the dryer.”
Me, too!!
Moon sand. Keep it the fuck out of my house. If anyone brings it here as a present again, someone is getting hurt.
That must be why someone just gave it to me. I’d never heard of it before 2 weeks ago. Thanks for the warning; consider it tossed!
Amen.
Oh so many good things listed!
I’d love to ban Lego but would have an uprising on my hands (bigger than the usual uprisings).
I would ban sand, wait, I already banned sand. Why is it always all over the place? Somebody is breaking the ban.
I ban children from the master bedroom. I ban blankies from the bathroom. I ban snacks in beds. What I really need are harsher punishments for breaking the bans!
Blankies in bathrooms make me barf in my mouth.
Sand…oooohhhhh saaaaand. Sandboxes make me want to cry. Mmm….feces.
I can relate so much with this post! But I have noticed one thing more, if you give them a balck pen, besides their own body their favorite place to write on is the wall.. Which I really hate!!!!
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Well, yes. The walls, too. Obviously. Why wouldn’t you write on your mom’s walls with black marker? Duh. Silly grown-ups.
Glitter is the devil!
And, now I’ve got that Caillou song playing in my head! Lol!
Oh no. That is NOT the song you want to be humming all day. Sorry!
Sometimes I think I would LOVE to be a newscaster so I can be ultra dramatic and make somber faces over nothing. BUt, the newsroom looks so chaotic nowadays. Remember when all we ever saw was a newscaster sitting at the desk or the weatherman standing at the weather map? Now they love to show the entire place and they have the newscasters just standing around on random balconies with chaos behind them. I can’t work in a place like that. I’d be way too distracted, I think!
I can barely watch the news when they do that. I’m wondering WTF is going on behind the anchor. And why on Earth they decided to show us how disorganized & frantic their workplace is.
Hey Lady – are you bored yet? You were one of the most-clicked links at last week’s #findingthefunny! We’re featuring you tomorrow.
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Ae YOU bored of me yet?? I’m having fun. Thanks!
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#4! Yes, everything sounds like a national crisi! I just see the logo on my TV and start to panic instantly and we just ban #7s from everywhere? Not that I don’t enjoy having That Kid crash my blissful escapes to Chick Fil A, but…
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I think the news is usually awful enough, that sensationalizing it seems a bit redundant. Calm down!!!
Very funny! I hear you about the saltines in the bra, what’s up with that? I think I would add to the list shoes – because I am so tired of almost breaking an ankle tripping over them in the middle of the floor…they can just all go barefoot.
Paula @lkg4sweetspot recently posted..Confessions of a Shopaholic
My husband does that. He’s the only one whose shoes I’d love to ban from our home.
My husband is the worst for breaking the rule of shoes by the door! And I swear his shoes are like legos, multiplying in the dark.
My eldest is jn the Army Reserve. Between the 19 million backpacks,satchels and bags they have, there is Army shit everywhere. Also his size 15 Army boots that I trip over every day in the entryway.
Middle son has pop can and water bottle collection growing in the wastebasket next to the computer.
Youngest daughter has 36 (yes, we counted them) Barbie dolls and those bitches are everywhere, even though I pick them up everyday.
“those Bitches are everywhere” is still making me laugh, and I orignally read this comment 2 or 3 days ago!
Let us not forget those weird erasers that come apart? My daughter HAD to have the little set of piggies her friend had. Now my son has a set of frogs. They come in tiny Bento boxes?!? *shakes head* It’s only going to get worse from here.
Rice vaccuums up nicely if you leave it lay on the floor for a day or two to dry out.
Yo Gabba Gabba is also banned in my home.
Last week my 9yo daughter and our neighbor’s son decided to make him look like a pirate with a sparse black beard and a rather sad looking ‘stache. They came downstairs and told us, “Oh, yeah, we THINK it was a washable marker”. Then she posted it on Instagram.
My husband bought our 7yo one of those (#!$*!!) erasers, not knowing it’s basically confetti. I HATE THEM. They never go back together, and the kids cry. AWESOME INVENTION.