It all started with a simple question: Am I asking too much?
And it ended with over 100 replies.
Some were passionate. I heard Yes, No and Maybe.
I heard stories about all sorts of dietary restrictions, allergies, intolerances, sensitivities.
I was asked for more details, so the readers could give more informed opinions.
I was told to “homeschool”, “deal with it”, come up with an “all or nothing” solution with the school, and that I was, in fact, being irrational.
I was given support, ideas, sympathy, well-wishes.
I was given food for thought from both parties.
But not once – not once – was someone nasty to me. Not once was anyone deliberately disrespectful.
Who could imagine that a group of 100+ people from all walks of life could gather in one place and discuss such a personal matter without it getting ugly?
Who would have thought that a group of 100+ people who answered my question with Yes, No and Maybe could do so in a way that mindful solutions could start brewing?
I did.
And that is all I was asking for in regards to my kids.
I’m not raising sissies who cry when they can’t eat a cupcake. I’m not asking other parents to raise my kids. I’m not asking strangers to bend over backwards for someone they don’t know.
I am asking the parents in my community whose children are growing up along mine to be mindful of what is going on in their kids’ classrooms.
At the start of the school year, all the parents are given a list of class allergies. Class Moms remind the parents of these allergies before each food event/holiday. Before a Birthday Treat can enter the school, an ingredients list must go to the school nurse for approval.
What happens here, at this point in the system, is a failure of mindfulness.
The non-chocolate treats get approved. Then the parent sends in a chocolate treat.
Why?
Why do this?
You got the non-chocolate one approved. Why send in something else?
Take one guess who gets more upset than I do over this.
Give up?
The classmates.
If a group of 5yo kids and a group of 7yo kids are mindful enough to ask their parents to make a treat without chocolate in it so their friend can enjoy cake too, why can’t the parents follow that lead?
What does it say to our kids when we disregard their mindfulness?
I am not perfect. I don’t have answers for every allergy and food sensitivity out there.
But I make a decent effort to think of others. To pay attention. To be mindful of my actions. And I just wish people could pay me and my kids the same respect, especially since the chocolate/cocoa is the only issue in both of my kids’ classes. The communication about the allergy is constant. The solution for not poisoning my kids is so simple.
And yet? I am consistently disappointed.
So I take matters in my own hands.
I am raising kids who are learning how to live safely in a world where chocolate exists at every party, every book store checkout counter, every social event.
I am raising kids who can politely ask a grown-up to check if there’s chocolate in the snack they are offered when visiting homes, and not complain about not getting dessert if all the other kids get chocolate chip cookies when there’s nothing safe for them.
I am raising kids who understand that some people like to bend the rules to get what they want, get their chocolate fix, and that they have to take ownership of their health.
I am raising kids who respect other peoples’ limits, allergies, tastes; who try to find ways for those who can’t eat or do what everyone else can to still have a good time.
I am raising kids who will ask first “Will being exposed to that food hurt him? Or just eating it?” before making judgement calls.
I am raising mindful kids, because I keep running into adults who, at some point, decided not to be so anymore.
And that, my friends, is why I posted that question this morning.
I hope you don’t mind my explaining myself.
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Good for you! That would drive me crazy too. While I’m not allergic, I do not, can not eat chocolate. It means so much to me when my coworkers remember that and make sure there is a non-chocolate option. And I return the favor. You’re right about it coming down to mindfulnesd
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100+ responses and not one asshole- your followers are AMAZING! =-D
(The mothers in your school though, who DO that to a child knowingly…assholecity!)
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I support your views and your concerns 100% It’s not like you didn’t give prior notice and that the school didn’t advocate for you. This is ignorance in its purest form, and it’s really disheartening that there are adults that feel they don’t have to give a sh*t, which may possibly mean a new generation of children that become adults who think they don’t give a sh*t.
This is a worry of mine.
My son is allergic to dairy, and they bring in dairy laden products ALL the time.. However, the one time I bring in peanut butter, I got an email at my work, and my husband got called to bring in a NEW snack for the class.. REALLY?!
Communication & fairness…trying to make things work, even if it’s a give-and-take, trial-and-error process. Just making the attempt to get something in place that works would be a nice first step.
My son has a peanut allergy which is deadly if not treated immediately, he could die… And yet, peanuts are allowed in school. His allergy is even sensitive to touch even if not ingested. Therefore, I keep peanut butter in our house and allow my other kids to eat it around him so my son knows how to live with it. We discuss it constantly. I instill the fear of death. It is so important for him to know how to live with peanuts around him. I think i will be more worried for him when he is in his 20s when people feel invincible than I am now. Best wishes…
Best wishes to you, too, Danielle.
Well said! I am also trying to raise a person who is sensitive and respectful of others. Yet I hear, again and again, from the mouths of the adults (family and friends) around him things that I would never say or do, and would correct my son for if he repeated.
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awesome, i read and commented in your earlier post. I agreed with you actually. I think this will show the not so nice readers (there were a few) that you are not making your kids titty babies and that you are actually teaching them that life is, in fact, not fair! Way to go!
It’s hard for me to express the whole story of what our allergies mean in a short Facebook post, so I understand the reactions of those who think I’m coddling my kids, etc.
Anyone who has read any of my memoir posts or anything about my life, my childhood here, should know that I absolutely know that Life Is Not Fair. That’s a given. I try to balance letting my kids know they are loved unconditionally, but that doesn’t mean that everyone will do for them what Husband & I would do for them. Cripes, I could just turn on the news for 5 minutes for them, they’d see how unfair it can be right away,
Why doesn’t the school take a look at all the allergies for that classroom and come up with a list of acceptable (maybe even store-bought, to make sure) treats that exclude all the ‘bad’ ingredients, and then if a parent brings in something not on the list, it can’t be brought into the classroom. Or exclude food-treats altogether… bring in stickers for birthdays, something else… My son’s only three, but in a preschool class we go to together, I’ve always asked about allergies before we have a little potluck or something – just because it’s something I’ve read and heard about so much.
Oh, the class allergies are public info and there is a system in place, but some parents chose to find ways around it. Which is so disappointing.
Well said ! I too am allergic and always had to be the child who couldn’t have the treats when that is what was brought. That was also a different time and the only allergy recognized was a peanut allergy; however that being said if the school knows, the class knows and all the parents know of the allergy it’s simply rude. When your 5 or 7yo takes the time to ask that you make a safe snack for everyone to enjoy and you don’t feel like it, that hurts them as well. IMO. Because of all the food allergies in our family I am worried for school this September, for just this reason. Be proud of the fact that your children will always be food conscious of others around them.
My kids make me very proud. Because of this issue, they go without most of the time. Most bday celebrations consist of everyone but my kids eating a cupcake, and my kids don’t complain. heck, I whine more than they do if I can’t get a non-chocoalte treat.
My son’s school is nut free. Most are these days.
One of the teachers in the school is deathly allergic to eggs. So that’s on the list of banned ingredients.
A girl in his class has a severe dairy allergy. So dairy is out, too.
My son is sensitive to dairy and chocolate, so we limit his exposure to those items.
Luckily, I like to get creative in the kitchen and have come up with a whole list of muffins and cookies I can send in for snacktime and class parties, despite these limitations. (The school did send out an approved list of snacks, but most were processed-foods, or didn’t include the dairy allergy.)
I chaperoned a class trip today. Every. Single. Kid. had something dairy-based in their lunch. Yes, the literature sent home about the trip only specified nut-free. But every other bit of info from the school this year has mentioned eggs. (The dairy is specific to his class, apparently.) I get that these are stringent limitations. But dude. These are kids’ lives. Make some effort!
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I have no problems working around someone else’s health needs. I have to keep the school stuff organized somewhere, so I keep the class allergy notices in the same place. This isn’t that tough to be considerate of. I don’t know why people treat it as such.
It might help, though it’s unfair to you, if you could explain in some way exactly how severe her allergy is. People are aware that kids with a nut allergy can get sick from sitting at the table where somebody ELSE eats peanut butter. But I wonder if the real problem here is a perception that the allergy isn’t serious without serious ramifications. They imagine a slight rash for a couple of hours, and instead of FOLLOWING THE RULES, go off on their own false assumption. Frustrating. I know that at Caroline’s school, where a lot of the kids are on GFCF diets, either the parent providing the treat makes sure to have a GFCF alternative, or else the Mom sends in an appropriate treat for their kid to have on party days. It sucks that your kids are choco-allergic!
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I’ve explained to as many as I could corner, and the class moms in both my kids’ classes know exactly how bad it can be, how it all works. (I happen to be friends with all 4 of them!)
I don’t mind my kids going without a treat. I mind people being so directly insensitive to their health, when it is so simple to be mindful of it.
Here’s an idea since our country is in the throws of an obesity epidemic…how about no birthday treats at school! Our school has kids celebrate by wearing a crown and getting to do favorite activities. Then, they can OPT, seperate from the classroom festivities, to support a charity called the Birthday Box which provides the makings of a birthday celebration (cake, decorations and a present – remember when that was EVERYONE’s definition of a birthday party?). Most of us with kids who are blessed enough to have so much reach a moment where we want our kids to appreciate that not everyone has it so swell. This actually allows kids to participate in something that makes sense to them. Even a three year old can understand that it would suck not to have their birthday acknowledged. The cost of those chocolate treats could certainly pay for some Chutes and Ladders for the love of God!
I love the idea of a non-treat treat. I was thinking of doing something different for my son’s bday next week. Oh, the ideas that have been brewing…
Wow, I can’t believe that they submit non-chocolate treats for approval and then switch it out! That is what would really drive me nuts. It’s one thing to just be forgetful about the allergy (though still frustrating, it’s not that hard to come up with a non-chocolate treat) but to blatantly lie about what they are going to bring is just ridiculous! I really hope you get some more understanding parents in your kids classes next year.
Thank you, Tara.
I feel for you and your kids. I too have food allergies. Mine are tomatoes and cheese. Every birthday party and event I went to growing up served pizza or some sort of pasta. I learned to say no thank you and try not to be bothered by the fact that a relative or friend “forgot” yet again my allergies.
The thoughtlessness of others still continues now as an adult. I just have learned to ignore it but I am mindful of others allergies.
I hope you find a resolution.
I can barely remember my kids’ names half the time, so I don’t blame parents for forgetting allergies. What I do blame is when they are reminded of it, they go through the process of getting it approved, and then don’t bring int he approved food. That’s not forgetful, that’s the bait-and-switch. So not cool.
As a class mom, and a mom whose kids go to the same school as Kim’s, I can tell you that it IS required to get every snack treat approved by the nurse. Not just the snack, but the ingredients label as well.
The reason the nurse checks the ingredients is because allergies can be dangerous. My neighbor’s daughter once broke out into a full on serious allergic reaction simply by kissing her dad after he drank a cup of hazelnut coffee. Her allergy is to nuts. My point with this is that even minimal exposure can put a child at risk.
It’s not like Kim is saying she’d prefer her kids not have sweets. In that case, maybe she should send in carrot sticks on the days when the other kids are eating cupcakes. This is an allergy that, if her kids are even mildly exposed to, could make them sick. She didn’t choose this. Nor did her kids. I’m sure they’d love to have chocolate. But they were born with an intolerance. So how hard is it to just send in some vanilla cupcakes with a sweet cream frosting?
Kim, here’s a thought… send that mom the recipe for your perfect cupcakes!
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LOL! I bet if I shared my cupcake recipe with all the parents in my kids’ classes, I wouldn’t have to worry about chocolate ever again.
Thanks for standing in my corner, girl.
It was my 5 yo daughter who reminded me 3 times that a boy in her class couldn’t eat chocolate and I needed to bring something for him. We brought two snacks all the kids could choose from to celebrate her birthday and I just loved how thoughtful and considerate she was being to the boy in her class. I wasn’t deliberately trying to exclude him, but she was very deliberately trying to include him. Maybe it’s time to put all the kids in charge of snacks.
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I had to laugh, because you’re totally onto something. The kids NEVER forget, and absolutely should be in charge of this stuff.
I can just imagine all the other kids’ reactions. Kids are so sensitive to fairness and justice. They’d be appalled that one of their own has to miss out on a special treat! I guess somewhere along the line this empathy in their parents was replaced by an overwhelming desire for convenience and self-gratification?
The good news is that by being friends with your kids, and others throughout their lives who need special accommodations made, they will learn that taking care of others is important. That it’s what makes a group of people into a community. And that the world without community is a very lonely place.
And your kids? They will learn to take care of themselves. To head into high school and college with the self confidence/awareness to say “no” to something that isn’t good for them, even if everyone else is doing it? That’s a HUGE head start.
As a devoted chocolate lover, I could see myself forgetting about an allergy when preparing a special treat. But if I had to go through the effort of submitting an ingredient list to a nurse? Not a chance. These parents are not being forgetful. They’re mindfully being careless with your children’s wellness. WTF?
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As much as the allergy sucks, they ARE learning some good lessons because of it.
It’s also a little easier now that they are older. Having 2 little kids so close in age was awful when all their friends were potty training, because most parents rewarded their kids with M&M’s so the candy was everywhere. Ugh. Also, people leave trays of chocolate goods at kid level during social events. My kids are now old enough to know not to even touch anything brown without checking first.
People do forget – heck, I am guilty of baking peanut butter cookies on a day a friend with peanut allergies was coming over (thankfully, I remembered before he came over, and his weren’t airborne). It happens. But it’s how you deal with the situation as a whole, your consideration of others’ health and needs that matters.
i don’t know. this is a tough one. i see this from both sides. i’m a forgetful parent. i’d probably be the one to send in the wrong snack.
on the other hand, i have a severe allergy to sesame. and my youngest has a slight peanut allergy. over the years, i’ve told him constantly to watch for peanut butter. does he ask every time? probably not. does he ask any time, i hope so. his teachers know of his allergy, as well. so…i don’t know.
i definitely understand your frustration, though.
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Everyone’s different, and the more kids you have the more your circle of kids you deal with grows, and there’s NO way to remember everyone’s allergy or needs or whatever. But I’m finding that some people react to this fact with throwing their hands in the air with a “Fuck it – not my problem” attitude, instead of a “How can we make this work?” mindfulness. This is something that really irks me.
I actually was surprised by some of the responses to your original post. Particularly the “life is not fair/deal with it/No one is going to “coddle” them in the “real” world” responses. Because, while I completely respect the right to have that opinion, that opinion, frankly, frightens me. These kids are already members of the “real” world. What happened to neighbor helping neighbor, consideration for your fellow man and community? To me, this is more than a discussion about allergens. It is about people taking the time and effort to be aware of how actions affect others. Personal responsibility and kindness. Things that we should all be teaching our children. It’s all about how you want to show up in the world. Is it I take care of myself and everyone else can shove it or, is it all for one and one for all. I like the latter better and yes, an example of that is not bringing in the damn chocolate cupcakes.
Hang in there, Kim.
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Exactly. It’s not about the cupcakes. It’s about the attitude about the cupcakes. It’s taking others into consideration every day, not just on cupcake day. Big picture here, people. Big picture. Consideration for others isn’t hard, and it feels pretty nice, too.
My daughter (4 yrs) has a severe egg allergy and we’ve been dealing with things like this since she was diagnosed at a year old. She knew how to tell people she couldn’t eat anything with eggs in it before most kids could produce coherent sentences. “I lergic to eggs” About a month ago my 6 month old daughter was diagnosed with a rare disorder called Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome. She can’t eat anything with rice or oats or barley in it or she could go into shock. The road ahead of us is going to be tough. I completely understand your frustration and annoyance. When I read about things like this it makes me wish the people that do this could walk ONE day in the shoes of a parent with a child with food allergies. It’s constantly reading labels, asking restaurants for ingredient lists, asking waiters if certain foods are in their dishes, constantly worrying in the back of your head that something will be inadvertently given to your child and you’ll end up in the ER.
It does get a bit easier when the kids get older, and I’m finding my biggest danger to them isn’t chocolate or kids or themselves, it is parents who disregard their safety on principal. Who know and don’t care. Or know and think somehow, magically, they won’t be the ones to harm my kids (or other kids).
Aww, that must really be hard. Good job for teaching your kids to not complain about going without the snack. Shame on that parent for sending that snack in. I wonder why the teacher passed it out anyway? I think the non-snack idea is a good one, I try to send a goodie bag with stickers, pencils and fruit snacks or a bit of candy. I remember being excited to get something even though it wasn’t my birthday. Also, my kids always remind me about the kids in class with an allergy – it’s funny they are more mindful of their classmates than some adults.
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It is true that the kids always remember, it’s the parents who forget. Heck, I’m allergy conscious and have forgotten every so often. But I make amends, and try not to do it again.
The chocolate thing bothers me, though- my father in law is allergic to chocolate, and yet- if his sister is in charge of desserts for a family party, she will only bring chocolate cake AND chocolate ice cream. And she’s his sister- she’s known about it for years, but she doesn’t care.
It’s not hard to be considerate- and extremely frustrating that these parents are willfully going around it. You’d think that in this day and age people would understand that people can be allergic to just about anything, and that all reactions are serious, even if it isn’t instantaneous death.
(My youngest son is allergic to eggs, wheat, soy, dairy and peanuts. His preschool understands how to keep him from eating other kids’ food- and asked me to make sure he has comparable food for the class parties, and his teacher tries to tell me when kids are having birthdays so that I can send a small treat that he can eat. It’s probably the best I could ask for, considering.)
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That’s all I’m asking for: a little consideration. The world does not have to revolve around my kid, but if her/his classmates’ parents can help make the tight environment of the classroom they spends all day in a little safer with almost no effort…why wouldn’t they? I certainly would do that for another kid.
It amazes me that the school has a list – things have come so far from when I was a kid. But to disregard it? So hurtful.
When I was in 6th grade, my teacher went to Hershey Park on the weekend and brought back two 6 pound bars of chocolate for the class. I was allergic to chocolate, among other things. But chocolate was always the hardest because of how important it is to little kids. So the thought of having a two hour class party that was devoted to everyone eating chocolate and partaking in the fun of Hershey Park stories made me want to cry. And then, she opened the chocolate bars. And I didn’t think I had an airborne allergy to chocolate, but I guess I’d never been around it before. I got dizzy, blurred vision, and that combined with my sadness was too much. I asked if I could go home since I couldn’t participate in the party anyway and it was last period. She said sure. I walked out of the classroom and walked home from school. No one checked on me, no one thought to call a nurse. I was fine, but mostly lucky.
It was totally irresponsible and rude. For a teacher who knows a student has food allergies to not even think first and do that – and to send a sick child home without checking, to believe an 11 year old who is trying to be brave and says “Don’t worry, it’s fine,” is just totally, totally wrong.
This is terrible. I can’t believe you were so disregarded. But then again, when I was a kid there were no diagnosis of anything at all. There was the slow kid, the kid who was always sick, the kid who never eats anything…and they weren’t taken seriously at all.
I’m glad we’ve made many strides in helping all kids since then. I just wish some of those strides included mindfulness all-around.
Of course you’re being reasonable. It’s not that hard to follow a simple request. I worked in the lunchroom at an elementary school. We accommodated food allergies all the time and it wasn’t difficult. When a child has an allergy, a note is sent to the nurse, who gives it to us. We put a note on that child’s lunch account. When the child gives us his/her number, the note pops up. “Egg/nut/milk/chocolate allergy.” We check their trays and if there’s something on there they can’t have, we give them something else. If we don’t have an acceptable substitute. Not once has any kid complained about not being able to eat a cookie. Like you, their parents have taught them that sometimes they have to go without because of their allergies. It’s not a big deal.
Now, I ask you, if we can do this in a school cafeteria where we serve almost 800 kids lunch and breakfast every day, why can’t a classroom of 30 manage it? It’s beyond ridiculous.
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That should have read, “If we don’t have an acceptable substitute, they have to go without.”
Erin @Momfog recently posted..The Best Things About Summer Break, According To A Lunch Lady
Amen, my friend. Amen.
I just don’t get why you would get approval for one thing and then bring another unapproved thing instead. That just seems stupid. Why bother getting approval at all if you’re just going to disregard it. Or, maybe they could make half-chocolate, half-something else for the class. Not everyone likes chocolate and variety is the spice of life. It’s unfair for your kid to just sit there while all of the other kids eat the goodies because some mom was so insensitive. I bet if her kid had an allergy she’d be in your faces about it. You have every right to be upset.
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Thanks, Lauren. I don’t worry about fairness in this case. I worry about the example those non-mindful parents are setting. I worry about my kids being exposed to something on the hands of their classmates after every birthday celebration, when many, many alternatives are available that would still be a treat to the birthday kid.
I’m one of the lucky moms in that my only daughter, Riley, has no food allergies. I’m pained by people who blame the parents for, I don’t know, feeding their children something too early (peanut butter, for example). Riley is lucky – her only sensitivity is to food dyes, which tend to hype her up – and in fact, I’d personally do away with ALL food dyes that aren’t natural, because my nephews in particular are partial to Swedish Fish and Twizzlers, then go off into space cadet land.
You are raising children who are MINDFUL. That is never a bad thing. My daughter grew up mindful and came out as a lesbian in high school. She was mindful of telling lies to me and her stepdad about whom she was dating, etc. Thinking youth can change this planet for the better, so good on you! Peace, Amy
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Here’s to hoping our kids grow up to be honest, caring, mindful people who value respecting others.
I completely understand! My son is just a toddler, but he’s allergic to nuts. He already knows that he can’t eat things with eggs in them, but his preschool is very tuned into to what he can’t and can have and they are great about it. IMHO, parents who treat this very cavalierly are self-centered. It’s not that hard to follow guidelines that will make all of the kids happy and safe, and they can eat their chocolate at home. The parents without allergic kids should count themselves lucky and try to help when possible. It’s really not hard at all.
That’s the kicker, my kids’ allergies are the only ones in their classes (which NEVER happens). It is so, so easy for the parents to simply not send chocolate. End of story. The underhandedness is what gets me.
Obviously they don’t follow the golden rule. No one in my family has any kind of allergy, but we go the extra mile to prevent hurting other people (no pears when my nephew visits, no nuts when our 6yo friend visits, no sending certain snacks/treats to school because it might hurt this or that classmate). It is all about thinking of and caring about other people, the way we ourselves would like to be treated. I would feel AWFUL if something I did caused harm to someone else, especially a child; and I would feel almost as awful if a person (again, especially a little kid) was literally the only one who could not enjoy something that everyone else did–repeatedly being left out and deprived. Heartbreaking! Makes me even more thankful that we don’t suffer from (food) allergies, and makes me even more determined not to be the jerk that sends in something that could hurt someone’s kid. Someone above here posted that those rude parents were showing “ignorance in its purest form” but doesn’t ignorance = uninformed? Those folks were quite informed and not ignorant at all; they were just being unkind, selfish assholes.
All I’m asking is a little Golden Rule following. It truly is – as you immediately saw – that simple.