Yet Again, I Show Strangers My Ass

A bunch of people saw my ass yesterday.

You’d think I’d be used to this by now.

But(t), usually when people see my ass I know it is about to happen.

Yesterday morning, I heard a rip. I saw a little hole in the crotch of my linen pants. Meh, it’s not like I do split-leaps on school property when I pick my Preschooler up before lunch, so I just wore them there since I was running a little late.

When I got home, I noticed something a bit…drafty.

And realized that none of the approximately TWENTY adults I saw at pick-up yesterday felt the need to tell me that my ass was clearly visible through the holes in my pants.

Anyone else feel that breeze?

EXHIBIT A for my Exposed Asscrack.

EXHIBIT B for my Bright White Buttcheek.

Mind you, my usual gaggle of girlfriends happened to not be at pickup today. I know I can reply on them to point out stuff like this.

But the rest of the parents in my kid’s class were. As were the parents of the other class who comes out the same door.

And nobody told me everybody could see my ass.

This, to me, is just like the old Spinach-In-The-Teeth Dilemma.

So, tell me, if you saw a woman with half her Back Door hanging out due to Holey Pants, would you tell her so she can hide it?  Or would you stay quiet?

I’d tell her. I HAVE told people about TP on their shoe, food in teeth, exposed tags from skirts & shirts, unidentifiable debris on their face, embarrassing bits that can easily be fixed or hidden.  I am discreet and quick about it.

Are you a Teller or a Too-Embarrassed-To-Teller?

Would you have pointed out my exposed ass yesterday?

PS When I told my husband this & showed him the pants? He smiled and said “That is GREAT.”  Sigh….and here I thought I’d get some sympathy.


Know what would make me feel better about my ass exposure?
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  1. Anne says

    I would say something…unless you looked like a crazy person or had established a pattern of exposing yourself…or you park in the handicapped spot when you clearly don’t need it or in someother way suck as a person. Then you’re on your own. That said – I used to stand in church as a child staring at the backs of people every Sunday helpless to anything about their tags, holes, fur I wanted to pet, curls I wanted to pull on, so I think this is just my way of releasing that pent up energy.

  2. says

    Yes. I’d say something. I’ve been there and embarrassed myself like that. (Well similar.) If I thought you could do something (untuck a long shirt), I’d have just said something. If not, I’d have stood behind you to hide the damage while we chatted.
    Jester Queen recently posted..SITS Girls Spring FlingMy Profile

  3. says

    I usually say something. I try to be discreet about it, as to not embarrass the person, just quietly and matter-of-factly tell them. They are usually relieved. Maybe no one noticed your “Sunday go to meetin'” pants?

  4. says

    Just because my last post has the word “bottom” in it doesn’t mean I’m following your posterior posting example.

    Oh kim, you and your keester. Hijinks.
    Lance recently posted..Hit Rock BottomMy Profile

  5. says

    I would say something. I was once in the middle of a meeting when I look down and realized that my slacks had split up the thigh. Thank goodness I was sitting down and was able to beg out of going to lunch. Instead I went shopping, bought new slacks that were similar enough to the ripped ones that hopefully the men that I was meeting with didn’t notice the difference.

    So while I didn’t show ass, I did show a ton of thigh, I feel your pain. No one had said a word to me. There hadn’t even been a ripping sound and the pants weren’t tight.
    Vicky recently posted..Voices…..Shadows…Scary?My Profile

  6. Mariah says

    I would have said something, it’s just wrong to assume someone else will say something.

    On a trip to the grocery store I used the restroom before I did my shopping. I walked around the grocery store for a good 10 minutes oblivious to the fact that the hem of my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Finally an older gentleman had the nerve to come tell me my skirt was not doing it’s job of covering my rear. I thanked the man for alerting me to my *ahem* situation and quickly adjusted my skirt. Needless to say I was mortified since I had walked by and in front of at least two dozen people who said nothing at all.

  7. says

    oh- goood question!! I’ve been on the ass-draft end of things. I’ve had a bat in the cave my own family didn’t tell me about. So yes, usually, I try to craft a subtle, non-offensive way of saying, ‘hey, are your pants supposed to be distressed on your butt crack like that, and how have I missed that trend?’
    Or- ‘oh, you like Hanes her way? Me too’. And hope they get the hint.

  8. says

    You would love my mom. Her “favorite” jeans all have ripped out asses that she’s tried to patch on several occasions. She has other jeans, but there are still times she insists on wearing those, patches and all. Thank god she hasn’t accidentally flashed any cheek that I know of, but I’ll be the first to tell her when she does…and then probably blog about it.

    But if I knew you, I would tell you 😉
    Abby recently posted..Paper, Plastic, PerspectiveMy Profile

    • says

      I have deep affection for your mom. Now it is even deeper. She’s a patch lady, and I love it.
      But to be clear, you’d only tell me if you knew me?
      These other parents haven’t been to my home, but we’ve been crossing paths for the past 8 months 2x a day, not including school functions. THEY KNOW ME.

  9. Just Christa says

    I probably wouldn’t say anything in this situation, but that’s because I live with the master of backdoor breezeways. My husband routinely rips out his pants and insists they are fine to wear for around the house with a pair of boxers underneath. When his around the house attire evolves into around the town attire, I usually stage a pantnapping and destroy the holey attire, lest they make an unholy escape from the trash can. Nope, I would just figure you were saving your good pants for something far more important than school kid pick up.

  10. says

    I’m sure if anyone saw, they assumed you were part of the uber-hip visible underwear fad and were showing cheek on purpose. I’d really love to believe I’d say something, but I’d be so afraid to offend somebody (“Well excuse me, Ms. I’m So Rich I Can Buy Intact Pants.”) that I might not – but food in the teeth or something that’s very obviously NOT done on purpose, I would mention. Probably.
    hollow tree ventures recently posted..The Playdate DebacleMy Profile

  11. Tara says

    Honestly, if I saw someone’s pants like that and didn’t know them that well I would probably assume they were aware of it, and chose to wear them that way, so I wouldn’t say anything.

    • says

      There must be a rash of ass-flashing hipsters out there, because I don’t know ANYONE who would show their undies or ass deliberately in linen pants or jeans.
      Maybe I’m just not cool enough to show my ass in public deliberately. Sigh.

  12. says

    I would NOT say anything, unless she was like, my BFF or something–anything that allows a fellow mom to feel like she has her crap together is a good thing :) Also, go you b/c now you have an excuse to go shopping 😉
    Meredith recently posted..Not a Big Fan of ChangeMy Profile

  13. Ashli says

    I once walked through an entire grocery store and even stopped to chat with someone I knew, with a three foot long piece of toilet paper hanging out of the back of my pants. Finally a kind soul took pity on me and let me in on why everyone was stating and snickering. You are not alone in your mortification!

  14. amanda says

    I recently ate a jelly bagel on the drive to my kids dentist appointment. I spoke to the receptionist, a radiologist, a dental technician, a dentist and a financial counselor. Got back in the car and had JELLY ALL OVER MY FACE.

    Ive got NO answer for you- sorry.

    • says

      If I saw your Jelly Face, I’d grab a tissue, hand it over and say “Jelly”. You’d know where to take it from there. WHY didn’t any of those people do that?! Gah.
      At least you enjoyed your donut. Right? 😉

  15. says

    I’d say something. But that’s me. My Mom would NEVER say anything and she’d be mad if you said something to her. Mom’s reasoning? If no one tells me, I can imagine no one noticed. Tell me and I assume everyone knew and didn’t tell me. Basically, “Don’t fuck with my denial, bitch!” :)
    Luna recently posted..Life is good. I’m drinking the Son-Rise Kool-Aid.My Profile

  16. Dana says

    To be honest, if the other parents are like I am, they were so busy making sure they got out the door with their child and all their paraphernalia, they never even SAW the holes.

    • says

      I want to be generous…but we all just stand there by a fence waiting for the kids to be filed out by the teachers. We do nothing but stand there…waiting…waiting…to be handed our kid.
      I had my back (butt) to everyone at one point. Nobody. Said. A thing.

  17. says

    Have you ever told a guy his ass crack was visible because his pants were too low and his boxers weren’t doing the job? Probably not, because you assumed he WANTED to look like a degenerate and have the world see his crack (If you actually HAVE said something to one of these guys…GO YOU!!)
    With all the crazy clothes people wear these days, I’d probably just assume you were starting your own trend or “making a statement” or something. Hence I would refrain from saying anything because I wouldn’t want to offend your odd sense of fashion. Unless we were close friends and I knew better, of course. 😉
    Funny stuff! Now go buy some new pants… LOL
    Jenn recently posted..My Memories & the Eiffel "Cow"erMy Profile

    • says

      This is a good point. I guess I figure that they can feel the obvious breeze from untorn pants?
      I already ordered a pair of jeans. Now to shake these kids off me and go find new linen pants!

  18. JD @ Honest Mom says

    I can’t imagine NOT telling a fellow mom that she was walking around with a hole in her pants’ backside! Or TP stuck to her. Or her skirt tucked into her undies. You gotta have each others’ backs. And butts!

  19. says

    I can’t do it. I just can’t tell people. Instead, I die a little inside for them, but I can’t tell them. And with holes in EVERYTHING these days, I would think it was the fashion and I’d be busy judging you for trying to be fashionable . I have had this same dilemma of late. Mysterious holes in the inner thigh/crotch area that I dont’ even realize until I happen to be on the toilet and realize I am seeing the floor through my pants! I always think I might be able to get just ONE MORE wear…..
    sparkling74 recently posted..Project Runway Wants Me NowMy Profile

    • says

      I guess I’ve been so concerned about looking out for unintentional holes in my own pants, that I had no idea that it was becoming trendy to intentionally have holes in the rest of your clothes. WHO DECIDED THIS!?
      So, maybe I should just say I’m being really trendy, the next time my crotch explodes and people can see my underpants?

  20. Lloyd says

    I’d keep it to myself, presuming this was laundry day for you, and hope nobody noticed me checking out your butt.

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