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Penises, everywhere..
The story of my life.
<– That is a button you can click for past Things I Said
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You: Keep your eyes on your penis and watch where you’re peeing.
You: Keep your eyes off his penis and just brush your teeth.
How did you not notice you’ve been wearing two pairs of underwear all day long?
Please get your nose out of my tushie, and don’t put it there again.
I’m going upstairs to brush my teeth. I don’t want to hear any fighting.
I’m going to fold some laundry. I don’t want to hear any fighting.
I’m going to make dinner. I don’t want to hear any fighting.
I’ll be in my office working. I don’t want to hear any fighting.
I CAN HEAR YOU FIGHTING!
Of COURSE I know what it is…
It's a penis talking to his friend Happy Trash Can before climbing a ladder up to his loft to watch golf on a wall-mounted flatscreen TV with a buddy who likes to drag around giant flowers with him wherever he goes. Obviously.
I know you love turkey. But you can’t eat turkey with tire shards on it. Sorry.
Honey, please just be gentle with it. It’s the only penis you’re gonna get.
What are some crazy things you had to say to the kids lately?
Add your own crazy quotes here for now…
And during the week, if you have your own “Things I Said”, Tweet it to me on Twitter at @LetMeStart with the hashtag #ThingsISaid. I’ll share it with my tweeps, too.
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I know you don’t like having to pee in a cup, do you think mommy likes holding her hand and the cup under your hoo-ha waiting for you to pee in it? No. No she doesn’t.
My kids laugh so hard when I try to do this, it becomes an epic damp disaster…
I’m so glad I have girls and I don’t have to be concerned with their personal parts.
hilarious…i’m laughing very hard
See, my girl constantly talks about her junk, too. I’m surprised you’re a free man.
Lance, how did you escape the other-gender-personal-parts? My husband doesn’t have to deal with my daughter’s personal parts out of privacy and respect. My son? We BOTH have to deal with his personal parts. This is the kid who flashes with the announcement “My peeenis wants to see yoouuuu”… and said kid would rather show off his personal parts to me than Daddy. Loseloselose on all parts.
I find both genders equally…sharing. unfortunately.
Hysterical, as always. As the mother of two boys, there’s LOTS of penis talk in my house. There’s also boob talk (they’re fascinated with the fact that I have them). Oh geeze… how do narrow it all down.
“Mommy, where is your penis?” (oh child, let’s discuss this in a few years)
“Mommy, you’re fat… fat in your boobies.” (thank you, honey!)
“When I grow up, I want my nipples to look like daddy’s.” (seriously? why???)
“Mom, dad’s never seen you naked, right?” (right honey. right.)
We have had way to many discussions about where mommy’s penis is. These conversations are always followed by anger at the fact that I will not show him.
*snort*
“What did you do to it? You pinched it? With your nails? Why, oh, why would you pinch that? Well, it didn’t feel good, did it? Yeah, I didn’t think so. No, I don’t have any cream for you to put on it, just put your panties back on, quit screaming, and go to sleep. I guess I will take a look at it again in the morning.” ~when daughter attacks her, um, area. Thankfully I have only had to have this conversation once.
Oh. No.
Just last night at bedtime prayer:
Me: “Dear Lord……I just knew you were gonna fart in my face!”
DS8: “Sorry!! It was either fart or burp”
Lol! At least you saw it coming.
As I was showing my son pictures of me when I was little I forgot that the one of my best friend and I dressed as giant breasts (later used as giant throw pillows) was in there from college. He asked “What are you?” and before I could comment he saved me “are you dressed as giant eyeballs?” Me: “Yes, honey, yes. We were eyeballs.”
And now I need to see this photo. Immediately.
Son (4): “My penis is all alone. He is sad.”
Me: “What about his two friends down there? He’s not alone.”
Son: “Will they ALWAYS be there.” (Excited)
Me: “Yes, always. Built in BEST friends!”
LMAO! That’s the best conversation ever.
Just found your site today…..I’m in love!
Feels like a huge relief to know that I am not the only one out there dealing w/ all the licking!
I have two sons 13 months apart, currently 3 & 4….I’m in over my head w/ penises, pee, poop, farts, boogers, where is mommies bipper, etc!!
My youngest has some bizarre behaviors: he is obsessed w/ my ears (playing w/ them, smelling them, licking them). He also likes to smell ppls feet, esp mine. This past week he told his father: “I like to play w/ mommies toes. It makes my bipper tickle.”
I am genuinely disturbed!!
Kids are frigging weird. That is all I can say.