There are 3 kinds of people in this world.
- The kind that live and die by the thong.
- The kind that accept that sometimes a thong is the only way to go.
- The kind that hate thongs with a deep, dark passion.
(Yes, I’ll be talking about thongs more than Sisqo today. Prepare yourself.)
I was once a thong-loving girl.
And then…the butt issues began.
If you are new around here, let me get you up to date:
2 years ago, I had a surprise (!!!) hemorrhoidectomy. It didn’t last.
This past Fall, I vented about how my kids ruined my back door.
I fell in love with an O-Ring Cushion I named Mr. Darcy.
Then a mildly-horrified doctor agreed that my asshole was a Hot Mess..
I let someone photograph me inside a giant colon.
I had anal surgery & raved about stale coffee cake.
Drugs, Miralax and Not Sitting were my friend for all of December.
It is now March 1st, and I’m waaaaay better, but still not 100%.
I still fear things near my ass (for obvious reasons).
Anyway, I had no idea that my backdoor issues and subsequent anal surgery would change more than just my ass.
Asshole surgery also changed my vision.
I used to look at the many thongs my underwear drawer and see this:
Last Fall, before my surgery, I saw this:
Post-op, when I opened my underwear drawer, I saw and hid from this:
[Cue the Vincent Price cackle and haunted house music]
Granny Panties hipsters has been all Fine & Dandy during the cooler weather.
But Spring is coming. In about 20 days. Thinner clothing. Visible Panty Line Risk Level elevates from Yellow to Orange.
Which means the Need for Thong Tolerance will be here very soon.
I went Thongless Cold Turkey…can I do that in reverse?
Or are there warm-up exercises to remind your butt crack that it’s okay to be flossed now and then?
I would hate for my hiney to end up with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from a too-abrupt exposure to Thong Time. That would just be cruel.
Maybe I should just give myself one-sided wedgies throughout the day to wake it up?
Or maybe you have some sound advice for re-exposing my ass to it’s natural Thong Habitat?
My hiney has been warm and happy in a cozy
Granny Panty hipster blanket for almost half a year now. Slipping into something breezy and…strappy may not go over well.
And quite frankly?
I’m a little nervous about this big step.
Will I be ready?
Will my ass?
Only time will tell.