Max & Ruby are my nemeses.
Sure, they are a couple cartoon bunnies that seem harmless.
But they are not harmless. Not at all. Need proof?
Because of Max & Ruby:
- My car & I were permanently scarred by a berry picking adventure.
- My kids received a vocabulary lesson they didn’t expect.
- It took me weeks of wracking my brain to come up with a 4th birthday party theme.
For a while, my kid lost interest in the show, the books. After 3 years of Max & Ruby-palooza, I was about to breathe a sigh of relief…
…when the interest started up all over again. In full force. *sob*
I am so sick of reading these books to my kids, where a 3yo speech-delayed Bunny Boy is left in the charge of a patronizing Second-Grade Girl with a big case of Assholitis and a social calendar that includes trying to trick her Bunny Scout leader into believing she deserves new patches and passive-aggressively fighting with her BFF Louise over the only single male bunny her age in the neighborhood while he tries to practice his football moves. No one learns the lessons they actually need to learn, and no one – no one! – takes a moment to consider how poorly Max is treated.
There’s endless episodes on TV, books piled up all over the house, DVDs in the truck for long trips, even plush toys that can ruin a tea party. All of these things are back in heavy rotation around here.
Ugh. Enough, already!
As I paced around my kitchen today, wishing I had the deadened black heart of someone who would actually ban these 2 beloved bunnies from our home, dreaming up the lessons I wished Ruby would really learn, I came to a conclusion:
I needed to write a Max & Ruby book. Which, of course, should be turned into an episode on Nick Jr., effective immediately.
So. Here’s my contribution to the Max & Ruby franchise. I do hope you enjoy it.
Max & Ruby: The Lost Story
The Bunny Scout Bake Sale is coming up very soon. Ruby is so excited!
Ruby leaves Max in the basement play alone while she bakes cupcakes and paints posters in preparation of the Bake Sale.
Max sneaks out and tries to play with Ruby, but she sends him away. Repeatedly.
Because she’s an entrepreneurial bitch who has no time for silly things like childcare.
Max easily let himself outside, hoping to find his way to Grandma’s House.
Grandma may be high as a kite on a daily basis, but at least she’s well-intentioned. And really fun.
Max is standing at the bus stop, searching the pocket of his overalls for his lucky quarter, when Eminem happens upon him.
“Yo, Max, why you at the bus stop alone?”
“Ruby! Neglect! Go Grandma’s!”
“For real, Max?”
Max nods his head, which makes a weird creaky noise. (Something he’s been asking Ruby to take him to the Pediatrician for since his last birthday.)
“Things still the same with yo sis?”
Again, the creaky head nod from Max.
“Here, little dude, take my hand. Lemme walk you back home.”
Eminem walks Max back to his house, and kindly tells him to play in the back yard for a minute. He’s got somethin’ to take care of inside.
Then Eminem goes into the house and kicks Ruby in the ass for being such a selfish, negligent, patronizing bitch. He tells her that if she doesn’t start respecting Max’s feelings, play with him more often and get him to speech therapy, he’ll be back. With his homies. And a representative from Child Protective Services.
Then he steals all the cupcakes she made for the Bunny Scout Bake sale, because she needed to be hit where it hurt, and made arrangements to donate them to the local Food Bank.
Once the door slammed closed behind Eminem, Ruby ran to the kitchen to call Louise, hoping to get some sympathy. Always happy to gossip, that Louise.
Max looked up from his trucks and winked at Eminem as he left, offering up a fist-bump of gratitude.
As Eminem walked off into the sunset, Max grinned and said “Homie!”.
Within days, Early Intervention came by to evaluate Max’s speech, the cops found his wanderlust parents and made them stay home to actually raise their children, Max got loads of attention now that Child Protective Services was doing unannounced visits, and Ruby lost that Bunny Scout Bake Sale patch because she never got a chance to re-make all those cupcakes.
Which made Max a very happy bunny.