Max & Ruby: The Lost Story

Max & Ruby are my nemeses.

We’re the DEVIL! Tee-hee-hee…

Sure, they are a couple cartoon bunnies that seem harmless.

But they are not harmless. Not at all.  Need proof?

Because of Max & Ruby:

  1. My car & I were permanently scarred by a berry picking adventure.
  2. My kids received a vocabulary lesson they didn’t expect.
  3. It took me weeks of wracking my brain to come up with a 4th birthday party theme.

For a while, my kid lost interest in the show, the books. After 3 years of Max & Ruby-palooza, I was about to breathe a sigh of relief…

…when the interest started up all over again. In full force.  *sob*

I am so sick of reading these books to my kids, where a 3yo speech-delayed Bunny Boy is left in the charge of a patronizing Second-Grade Girl with a big case of Assholitis and a social calendar that includes trying to trick her Bunny Scout leader into believing she deserves new patches and passive-aggressively fighting with her BFF Louise over the only single male bunny her age in the neighborhood while he tries to practice his football moves.  No one learns the lessons they actually need to learn, and no one – no one! – takes a moment to consider how poorly Max is treated.

There’s endless episodes on TV, books piled up all over the house, DVDs in the truck for long trips, even plush toys that can ruin a tea party.  All of these things are back in heavy rotation around here.

Ugh.  Enough, already!

As I paced around my kitchen today, wishing I had the deadened black heart of someone who would actually ban these 2 beloved bunnies from our home, dreaming up the lessons I wished Ruby would really learn, I came to a conclusion:

I needed to write a Max & Ruby book.  Which, of course, should be turned into an episode on Nick Jr., effective immediately.

So.  Here’s my contribution to the Max & Ruby franchise.  I do hope you enjoy it.

Max & Ruby: The Lost Story

The Bunny Scout Bake Sale is coming up very soon.  Ruby is so excited!

Ruby leaves Max in the basement play alone while she bakes cupcakes and paints posters in preparation of the Bake Sale.

Max sneaks out and tries to play with Ruby, but she sends him away.  Repeatedly.

Because she’s an entrepreneurial bitch who has no time for silly things like childcare.

Max easily let himself outside, hoping to find his way to Grandma’s House. 

Grandma may be high as a kite on a daily basis, but at least she’s well-intentioned.  And really fun.

Max is standing at the bus stop, searching the pocket of his overalls for his lucky quarter, when Eminem happens upon him.

“Yo, Max, why you at the bus stop alone?”

“Ruby!  Neglect! Go Grandma’s!”

“For real, Max?”

Max nods his head, which makes a weird creaky noise.  (Something he’s been asking Ruby to take him to the Pediatrician for since his last birthday.)

“Things still the same with yo sis?”

Again, the creaky head nod from Max.

“Here, little dude, take my hand.  Lemme walk you back home.”

Eminem walks Max back to his house, and kindly tells him to play in the back yard for a minute.  He’s got somethin’ to take care of inside.

Then Eminem goes into the house and kicks Ruby in the ass for being such a selfish, negligent, patronizing bitch.  He tells her that if she doesn’t start respecting Max’s feelings, play with him more often and get him to speech therapy, he’ll be back.  With his homies.  And a representative from Child Protective Services.

Then he steals all the cupcakes she made for the Bunny Scout Bake sale, because she needed to be hit where it hurt, and made arrangements to donate them to the local Food Bank. 

Once the door slammed closed behind Eminem, Ruby ran to the kitchen to call Louise, hoping to get some sympathy.  Always happy to gossip, that Louise.

Max looked up from his trucks and winked at Eminem as he left, offering up a fist-bump of gratitude.

As Eminem walked off into the sunset, Max grinned and said “Homie!”.

Within days, Early Intervention came by to evaluate Max’s speech, the cops found his wanderlust parents and made them stay home to actually raise their children, Max got loads of attention now that Child Protective Services was doing unannounced visits, and Ruby lost that Bunny Scout Bake Sale patch because she never got a chance to re-make all those cupcakes.

Which made Max a very happy bunny.

Word.

The End
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Comments

Comments

  1. Jessica says

    This is hilarious because I was just posting on FB about Max & Ruby and where the hell their parents are, which led to all sorts of questions about kids shows these days like why the eff is Caillou bald and why do Dora’s parents let her run amok with nobody but a red boot wearing monkey for a chaperone?

  2. Terri Snyder says

    *DIES LAUGHING*

    I hate Max and Ruby with a passion. Ruby is an OBNOXIOUS little bitch, and I have often wondered where the heck their parents are?! Not to mention, so far as I can tell, the only lesson that girls would actually get from Ruby is that girls should be perfect tea party hostesses and “proper ladies” — a lesson that I hate more than I hate Max and Ruby themselves.

    So yes. I love you. I totally feel your pain on suffering through them. I, too, had thought we might be past those two little buggers only to have them surge to the fore once more.

    I’d rather watch the damn Wiggles. And that’s sayin’ something, cuz the Wiggles were REALLY annoying :) CUTE! But REALLY annoying.

  3. Jan says

    I LOVE YOU!!!!! You say exactly what I’m thinking, only funnier ;)
    This is hysterical and you should totally publish this as well as others!!!
    Just sayin…..
    XOXOXOXO

  4. says

    That is very classy. I’ve not heard of these annoying bunnies but sounds sort of similar to Charlie and Lola. Charlie is always looking after his little sister Lola and Lola is a grade a spoilt brat who always gets her own way. funny how it’s always the girls who need to be taught a lesson….
    Jenna recently posted..Sorry DishclothMy Profile

    • says

      Oh, this show is WAY more annoying than Charlie & Lola. You need to YouTube an episode just to hear the soul-devouring musical soundtrack that plays the whole time. Aaargh….

      Basically, kids learn that trickery is how you win in the world. Nice lesson, people. Nice. Lesson.

    • says

      Max can’t help but be horribly annoying! No good role models, all that dizzying wallpaper, a constant stream of loud music from the 20s in the background…gah, I can’t believe he’s not locked away in a padded cell yet.

  5. Mariah says

    Reading your horror stories of what Max & Ruby have done to you makes me so grateful that my daughter is in love with Dinosaur Train. Even though I find the premise of a time traveling train in dinosaur era Earth to be exceptionally absurd, the music doesn’t make me want to blow my brains out, there is a cohesive family unit that treats each other with respect, and the life lessons aren’t that ridiculous.

    I hope your bunny torture ends soon.

  6. says

    Yes! My daughter and I have often wondered where those bunny parents are. And Ruby has needed that butt kicking for a looong time.
    Renee recently posted..AftermathMy Profile

  7. Melissa says

    You hit the nail on the freaking head. I actually banned max & ruby in my house for my first 2 kids because of the way ruby treated max. That’s all I needed was my son to take lessons from that mean big sister! Of course for the third kid, I pretty much gave up the fight. I have kept my ground with yo gabba gabba though! Just.can’t.handle.it.

  8. Squid says

    Lmfao, as a childhood fan of the show, this made me laugh really hard. Especially when Eminem came in, with the fact that I’m a current fan of his and this is oddly characteristic of him. I loved this xD