Tumbling, clinking, whirling to a stop, his lullaby of disappointment silences on the dusty floor beneath a loosened grip.
Twitching, mumbling, fighting to forget, dim flashes of The History Channel fill the scarred basin beside a stubborn nose.
Laughing, chasing, arms spread wide, the little boy with eyes on a magical bird in the sky and plans in his heart is swiftly consumed by a choking cloud of glass, metal, and regret, rocking an old man awake again.
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This post was in response to Trifecta Trifextra Writing Prompt.
The prompt went like this:
give us a complete story in three sentences.
I’m so intrigued by the secrets of stoic old men, especially those with fascinating scars.
It’s weird, I know.
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Not a weird fascination at all…it’s one that I share. Think of the stories they could tell.
I loved this. The phrases at the beginning of the first two sentences go a long way to setting the mood…then the third sentence throws that mood for a loop at the start, then brings it back again at the end. Sadness, regret, memories and moments that take the place of dreams. I feel his bitterness, and yet, I still want to hear his story, want to feel whatever pain haunts him.
Nicely done.
Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy recently posted..Standing In My Own Way
I saw this old guy who dreamt of being a pilot as a child, and somehow lost his eye due to his own, stupid mistake, thus ending his chance to fly. Yet I knew he kept his deep sadness, regret to himself, and would only watch those old flying movies alone at night with no witnesses.
I like that you want to know more about his bitterness. I do, too.
I like this. You get the feeling that this old man has lived a long tough life and dreams of lighter what might have beens. He is lonely. This is why I like Trfecta….we get to read all kinds of things and it’s not weird!
Gina recently posted..Would You Know It Was Me?
Yes, oh the things he allows himself to watch and dream when he’s alone, drinking in his favorite chair…
I’m glad you don’t find my fascination too weird. Thanks!
Evocative and full. I like it. I like the double meaning of “awake again”.
well done
Lance recently posted..Superhero
Thanks. A little too full of words, next time I’ll force myself to trim it up more.
I have been named as a stoic by a dear friend. It takes a lot (sometimes) for the emotions to boil over – generally surprising everyone around me. I feel an affinity for your old man.
barbara recently posted..Trifextra Week 2 – take 2
It’s good to let it out. Those who hold it all in usually have a lot to try to restrain, a lot choking them into silence. Those words deserve air, those people deserve healing.
I’m glad you like my old man. Thanks.
Somehow I had the image of the boy stepping on a mine or something like that.
Satu recently posted..Thin at last
Yes, yes this could absolutely be a way he lost his eye. I love that you went there!
I really felt for him. The visual of the flashes of the History Channel beneath his nose was brilliant.
According To Mags recently posted..BIRTH
It was subtle, but the flashes of light were filling in his scarred, empty orbital bone where the missing eye (and reason he couldn’t become a pilot) was. But still? I love that you liked that line.
Evocative it is, and your word choice is perfect.
Pamela
pamelasayers recently posted..“Twilight Obscure” The Sunday Whirl #42
Thanks, Pamela. I liked the rhythm, which is why I decided not to trim it down as much as maybe I should have.
I wonder at the stories of old people too. im grateful to have been able to speak to my great grandparents about some things in person while they were living and I had the presence of mind to ask. This was a really brutal, vivid look at the pain and the contents of his mind, and it evoked loneliness as well as bitterness. great job!
Frelle recently posted..Look
I remember my Nana as such a nervously-laughing person, someone who had been through so, so much but still made sure she enjoyed every data and always ‘poo-poo’d me when I tried to dig around about the tougher parts of the early 1900s. Like nothing bad ever happened.
My father was older as well, but he was more of a documentarian. He had scrapbooks and notes from the wars he was in, so the information was there. I remember being little and listening to him and his war buddies at reunions and the way they’d refer to things which I now understand as deeply devastating, but they would use them as reference points in time or place, no to talk about what Actually Happened.
Scarred quiet old men intrigue men, for sure.
Thanks for commenting, again!
I just listened to an hour-long interview with a gerontologist on the CBC about the interviews he conducted and the book that came from that process. It was interesting to hear his summing up what he, a self-described Woody Allen – like worrier, gained in terms of his own peace of mind.
Nice story, full of intense sadness.
karen recently posted..Trifextra Weekend — Take 2
Now that sounds interesting. What was the book?
It must be hard to crack those old nuts…but, oh, to see what’s inside.
Thanks for coming by.
The part where he remembers the hopes of his childhood is so poingant. And I loved how you got his nose in there!
Jessie Powell recently posted..The wagon
His memories and (literal) dreams are so intertwined, it both lifts him and tortures him…as I’m sure is the case with lots of people from that generation.
Thanks for the compliment!
beautifully done
kelly garriott waite recently posted..Sinners and Saints
Thank you for joining up to this week’s Trifextra Challenge. I love how much mood you set here. You’ve given us an entire story, for sure, but you’ve managed to create an atmosphere while doing it. This is really good writing. I hope you’ll be back on Monday for the weekday prompt.
Trifecta recently posted..Trifextra: Week Two
I just felt how sad and weighted and locked away he was, how he never got to fly and that dream was so rich for him as a kid. I couldn’t imagine spending over half a decade wallowing in silent, stoic depression over that eyeball-losing accident without allowing others to see your pain. I work though my pain(s), so when I saw this sad, drunk, lonely, scarred old man in his chair in front of B&W aviation shows, I had to share him.
I worried I got to wordy, but the rhythm made me do it. Next time I’ll try to trim it up and meet with the prompt more accurately.
Thanks for coming by again, and I’ll absolutely be checking in later today to see what this week’s challenge is!
What a completely complicated prompt! You did it so well, though. I felt such sadness for him. I could feel that things were labored for him.
You did a great job throwing quite a punch with such a small story.
Jen Has A Pen recently posted..Losing The Shine
Thank you for feeling sad for him (<–that was an odd sentence). I felt it, too. Having your childhood dreams dashed and not being able to talk about it must be awful.
Thanks for coming by & commenting!