Sure, I could be depressed about the fact that my once High & Glorious Rockies now look more like an Albino Mountain Vanilla Pudding Avalanche. But I just buy expensive bras that create illusions of grandeur and try to look at my post-kid body & mind as a Glass Half Full.
10 Perks of Losing Your Figure & Mind Due to Having Kids
10. My Bagel Belly helps keep my Mom Jeans up.
9. Since I have a figure and sleepwear selection like our own mothers’, I can now stretch out on the couch all by myself at night to watch Twilight (again) uninterrupted, while my husband watches Sports Center in the office.
8. Deflated boobs means I always get looked straight in the eye now by men of all ages.
7. Crows Feet around my eyes? No more wasting time pulling out my ID at the liquor store.
6. Mommy Brain kills my ability to hold grudges, since I can’t remember a single damn thing anybody ever says to me.
5. Having a hemorrhoidectomy helped me lose 10 pounds faster than any diet Hollywood could come up with.
4. Being delirious with sleep deprivation gives watching Yo Gabba Gabba a whole new level of awesomeness.
3. When I mindlessly break out into the “WHAT’S gonna WORK?” song and someone replies “TEAMwork!”, I know I’ve found a new friend.
2. When LMFAO sings “Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle!” I don’t have to do anything because the cellulite on my thighs is already doing just that.
1. No kid wants to be at his very first school dance and hear “Whoa, whose mom is that? She’s HOT.”
I'm Sexy And I Know It
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I should probably let go of the “mid rise” fitting jeans charade and get some mom jeans. I’m just way to short to make them look normal.
As long as The Muffin can be tucked in? You’re cool.
I just bought 2 pair of mom jeans at Dressbarn for $29.95 (I thought this was the ultimate mom jean price point) and you know what? THEY STAY UP. I love my new mom jeans.
I’m tall & assless, so Mom Jeans fit me juuuust right.
You. Are. AWESOME!!!
Thank you!
This pretty much sums up my life!
I don’t think we’re the only ones, Barb.
LOL. Where did you get that picture?
It’s the old SNL skit. PLEASE tell me you’ve seen it. Oh my…it still slays me.
Number 1 FTW! You’re doing your son a future service. Can’t having him living with MILF-loving friends. (Although, I know for a fact that you are super MILFy.)
Awww…getting called a MILF midweek is every girl’s dream…
9, 8, 4, 3, and 1<—yes! And I'm totally jealous of #10. I traded "bagel belly" for "watermelon stomach" around kid #3.
LOL! Not that I’m laughing at your green belly…I’m just thinking of Dirty Dancing: “I carried a watermelon.”
… there’s a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy! ahh who comes up with these things! anyways, this is my life, and i love this post!!!
It frightens me how often Yo Gabba Gabba is the soundtrack to my life.
Where did you get that picture?? It’s awesome. When I was young and hot (in retrospect) I would have thought #8 sounded pretty good. Now? It would be nice to *occasionally* lose eye contact.
The picture is from the old SNL Mom Jeans skit. You will pee your pants laughing when you look this one up.
Also: my boobs are so deflated that I’ve had friends see me in PJs – sans lifting, separating, reshaping bra – actually walk over and start poking at my barren chest and commenting on how weird it is to see me with no more boobs. From DD to 14-inch-long deflated B. Not too sexy.
OMG. Thank GOD bra sizes down’t come in 14-inch-long. My boobs are my one asset. Right now the rest of me is distracting (in a bad way) from their awesomeness. I hope when I lose the weight I don’t find that I’m also a 14-inch-long.
Hopefully yours stay gorgeous. From what I hear from those who’ve known me longest, my…err “situation” is pretty drastic.
Haha. Brilliant. I’m going to print this out so I can read it when I get down about my body. Then I can be perky, even if my boobs aren’t!
That may be my new motto.
LOL! Line of the night!
Now THIS should be on a t-shirt…
That picture is from a SNL spoof commercial for mom jeans. I love that commercial, except when I hate it. I love your pudding comments about your breasts. I’ve always compared mine to pudding after breastfeeding 5 kids. The firmness…is gone.
Ha! Firmness? I can’t even remember what that word means anymore….siiiighhh…
I found you through NinjaMom, and must confess I’m totally in love after just one sentence. You had me at “Albino Mountain Vanilla Pudding Avalanche.” You, madame, ROCK. Verily.
I speak in the most accurate terms possible, when describing my bosom. I’m happy to hear that You Get Me. Welcome aboard the crazy train, new friend!
PS: Ninja is awesome. I love her more than melted peanut butter.
this is hilarious! loved the saggy boobs one because guys look at you straight in the eyes!
‘Tis true! I used to be big and distracting. Now I’m low and swingy.
I’m sitting here at my desk lamenting the process that’s slowly turning me to jelly. All of it is jiggling while I laugh at this, so there’s that.
Jiggling makes us all seem happier. So its a good thing.
Try showing some pictures of yourself before making me judge you “mom figure”…I’ve seen one…
seriously, this is hilarious,…you’re on fire in the new year
My Mom Jeans are in the laundry. Maybe in a couple weeks when I actually do laundry again…
Hahaha, I love the half-full approach! And yeah, nickelodeon pretty much has a song for every part of my day! Hehe.
Optimism is Awesome!
I have all of these issues and no children. I should be ashamed.
I think this means you are Advanced. Which is a desirable trait.
Very funny!
Thanks, Turtle!
I may not have given birth to kids but I can certainly appreciate this. My daughter loves to remind me about how very different I look now compared to “then.”
Good times, I tell you, good times.
Oh, the charms of our children….
I giggled. Awesome! Reminds me of my teacher brain. I hang out with other teachers because I know they’ll understand when I accidentally talk kid to them.
I say the word “Potty” to way, way too many people over the age of 35.
Oh wow, I like your thinking! This is definitely a wine glass (supplemented with Benefiber) half FULL kind of post!
I totally related to EVERY MFing ONE OF THESE POINTS. Good times. Ever see a picture of me in my mom jeans? (spoiler alert: camel toe city!)
I’m more of a Miralax girl, but I get what you mean.
I love and adore your camelly Mom Jean photos. I actually got a charm made out of it for my necklace.
I now feel all uncool and out of the loop because I don’t get #3!
Please never, ever feel Uncool for not knowing all the Wonder Pets songs. I believe this makes you the total opposite.
Watch here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxlWvE2U0nw
We do the “teamwork” chant all the time. I sing it when I’m trying to get the kids to clean their rooms. Unfortunately, we’re all singing, but I’m the only one cleaning.
What is WITH that?? The kids are all song, no action.
I feel you 100% and that picture is *more* than amazing.
I totally should have edited myself into that photo.
Another perk with mom jeans? Vanity sizing! Can you believe I’m a size 4, and I’m 20 pounds heavier than when I used to be a size 4?!
It is like MAGIC.
Oh my goodness, I can relate on so many levels. Although I have to say, that number 8 hasn’t ever applied to me. Men haven’t made eye contact with me since I think I was 12. Sad, I know.
But I had to make a comment about the “wiggle, wiggle, wiggle” from LMFAO, every time that I hear it I laugh my butt off. It just makes me giggle, that is until I saw the video. My daughter is 18 and she was playing the video on her tablet last night. I think I am scarred for life, lol. If you want a good laugh after the kids have gone down for their nap you should check it out.
How have I not seen it yet? Thanks for the homework. I am ON IT.
I love this and since I’m Muslim and dont drink, the crows feet thing no longer works for me. I need to come up with an Up side to it and can not.
P.S. dont bother with fancy bras…with the wrinkles on me, no one even looks at me. Men check out other women while talking to me.
Crow’s Feet make you look like you’ve had a lifetime of smiling.
Ha! I’m a guy. Sober. And I still can’t get Yo Gabba Gabba.
I don’t think anyone quite gets Yo Gabba Gabba. That Brobee dude is FREAKY.
No, the one that’s freaky, is the one who looks like a giant red dildo, with one eye. Why on earth would they create a character resembling a dildo, for a children’s show?
And a nubby one, at that.
Oh my lord I am shaking with laughter after reading this comment string. Holy. Crap.
I loved number seven
DD I am new mom, 20kg plus in my pregnancy, so i just know what are you talking about 
A sistah from anothah mistah! Welcome!!!
I am amazed at how similar your life sounds to mine! I love that I am not the only one singing the “teamwork” song! Thanks for the super awesome post and good luck with the “mommy brain” it seems like it just keeps getting worse for me. Lol.
Oy, if Mommy Brain gets any worse, my husband’s gonna have to walk aroud with cue cards for us to have conversations at night.
Cue cards, hilarious! All I have to say, is sticky notes, auto-paid bills, and a good hubby. These keep me sort of in check
Love this post, loved the ‘wonder pets’ reference. However I have to disagree on one pint. I think sleep deprivation is the only state in which I could watch Yo Gabba Gabba. Even so, I am a new follower.
Yo Gabba Gabba is definitely an acquired taste.
Thanks for coming by!
I haven’t been asked for ID since I was 16! And my boobs, well let’s just say I’ve got some new knee warmers. You constantly make me laugh Kim. P.S. I’m pretty sure that kid’s TV is thought up by people who have had a little too much pot.
I would love to be a fly on the wall during brainstorming sessions for kids’ tv programming. Because I think your theory is spot on.
Sniggled at #8. Totally with you on #4. You know who else is amazing to sing along to, when you’re sleep deprived? The Fresh Beat Band. Here we gooo-oooo. Oh, yeah.
The FBB is my nemesis.
You are beyond awesome! Love it!
Thank you! Come back any time.
This was brilliant. I love seeing the laughable side of life’s… adventures.
Love that: Adventure. That’s one way to put it.
Oh I so loved #8!! I need to go read about this hemorrhoidectomy business.
My boobs now vs Back Then? A whole world of difference.
Loved this! Oh, the little things that happen when you turn 50 (at least me). Number 8 is true! Well, so are all the others.
At least I’m not alone, us Band of Wiggle Women….
So this is what I have to look forward to? Damn. I think my husband only likes me because I have a nice rack.
Hopefully he likes that rack when it becomes level with your navel. *fingers crossed*
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I just found you through mylifeandkid fun party.
I love number2. that hilarious make me laugh so much.
You just made my day.
thanks
Glad to make your day! I think by saying that, you just make mine.
I laughed SO hard while reading this! My favorite was the Wonder Pets theme song. I have caught myself randomly singing that in public places. I haven’t found a friend with that yet, in fact I may be preventing some friendships…
I found your post through Finding the Funny! I would love for you to stop by my blog sometime!
Heather recently posted..Daddy Needs a Kitty
Hi Heather! Oh my, the kids’ show songs that get sung around here, even when there’s no kids around. Sigh. Cool factor? Negative 2.
Come on by, I’ll be your friend. We can wear our mom jeans and talk about the weather together.
Will definitely pop by sometime…thanks for coming by!
Oh – this is so fabulous. I might hang it on my bathroom mirror.
Off to read some more of your hysterical blog!
Thanks for linking up to finding the funny! Hope to see you next week!
Anna
Thanks for coming by! There were so many great posts on your linky, I look forward to being a part of it again.
See you around…
This was hilarious! You have made several excellent points. Actually, all of them are excellent. I have a few gowns that WERE MY GRANDMOTHER’S. I love to wear them now! Ha! They are real flowy numbers. When I wear them, I can watch all the TV I want uninterrupted. Ha! Loved that you linked up with #findingthefunny. You’ll be back next week, right??
Kelley recently posted..I found my time capsule yesterday
Oh my. Grandma Nightgowns are birth control, for sure.
I’ll be back next Wednesday – that was fun!
Those are fantastic points! Great post. Found you at Anna and Kelley’s linkup!
Thanks! That was a fun linkup – I hope to join in again.
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Oh my god. Thank you. Just, thank you. So needed to read this today.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Sad I suffer from all of these and I am not a mom. Just a dedicated auntie. Sympathy figure loss is what I call it.
How generous of you!
Love this! This is just what I needed to read to find newfound delight in my old-looking bod. Another advantage of the “bagel belly” (love that term, btw) is that it is perfect for holding up saggy boobs.
It’s like having a built-in underwire.