Sure, I could be depressed about the fact that my once High & Glorious Rockies now look more like an Albino Mountain Vanilla Pudding Avalanche. But I just buy expensive bras that create illusions of grandeur and try to look at my post-kid body & mind as a Glass Half Full.
9. Since I have a figure and sleepwear selection like our own mothers’, I can now stretch out on the couch all by myself at night to watch Twilight (again) uninterrupted, while my husband watches Sports Center in the office.
8. Deflated boobs means I always get looked straight in the eye now by men of all ages.
7. Crows Feet around my eyes? No more wasting time pulling out my ID at the liquor store.
6. Mommy Brain kills my ability to hold grudges, since I can’t remember a single damn thing anybody ever says to me.
5. Having a hemorrhoidectomy helped me lose 10 pounds faster than any diet Hollywood could come up with.
4. Being delirious with sleep deprivation gives watching Yo Gabba Gabba a whole new level of awesomeness.
3. When I mindlessly break out into the “WHAT’S gonna WORK?” song and someone replies “TEAMwork!” I know I’ve found a new friend.
2. When LMFAO sings “Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle!” I don’t have to do anything because the cellulite on my thighs is already doing just that.
1. No kid wants to be at his very first school dance and hear, “Whoa, whose mom is that? She’s HOT.”