I find the original Santa, Baby song to be totally…icky. It is creepy and dirty and the women who sing it tend to be purring like a cat in heat or breathier than a phone sex operator.
Gross.
These days, it is EVERYWHERE. No matter how hard I try, I can neither avoid it nor keep it from getting stuck in my head.
So? I’m changing the lyrics to something…more my style.
Enjoy!
SANTA BABY: THE MOM VERSION
Santa Baby,
Slip some patience under the tree
For me.
I’ve been a Mommy all year.
Santa Baby, please hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa baby,
I’d like to be alone in the loo
To poo.
If it’s not too much to ask.
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Think of all
The butts I’ve wiped.
Think of all my youth & beauty
That they’ve swiped.
Next year I could be just as sweet
If I had nice nails and well-rubbed feet.
Santa Baby,
I want a nap and for my kid to
Shut her yap.
She talks my ear off all year.
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa honey,
There’s something that I really do crave:
A Mom Cave.
With a soundproofed locked door.
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa cutie,
Fill my stocking with boobs that don’t sag,
Or drag.
I’d like them up where they were.
Santa cutie, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Come and trim my Christmas tree
With a bit of free time and some…sanity.
I swear I do believe in you
Lets see if you believe in me.
Santa Baby,
Forgot to mention one little thing:
Some bling.
All Moms deserve to sparkle.
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry…tonight
ROFLMAO. Your blog post just get funnier and funnier!! Haha thanks!
Kriss (@AKMamma)
Thanks, Kriss! And I appreciate that you’ve already shared it.
OK. As someone to loves to rhyme herself, I love this. Love. And I’m not even a mom to anything other than a fake tree and a headless snowman.
I also don’t enjoy the original version of this song at all for the reasons you mentioned, mostly because it gets stuck in my OCD head, which is not a great place to be. Last night I heard a Michael Buble (sp?) version and the words were all wonky. I still didn’t enjoy it. This one? It rocks.
I so kick Michael Buble’s ASS.
(I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting to say that)
Definitely, your version rocks! I didn’t really like Michael Buble’s version either.
So funny!
Perfection.
Thanks!
excellent!
alone in the loo to poo? yeah, that.
This should be a Christmas standard for eons. I LOL maybe, 4 or 5 times a year. You enabled one of those. That’s a Christmas miracle.
Thanks, Lance!
OMG – I think I need to print these out and go caroling!
Oh, that would be awesome to witness. Lol!
I would so find someone to record this.
Hmmm…I do have some singer friends…
Perfect! I shall start memorizing the words now. Wonder who I can scandalize? Cheers, Mama!
Fantastic! And thanks for sharing this on the Twitter.
Wow, very nice!
Thank you!
OMG! Way to go! Laughed through out the entire song and prayed to Santa to bring me a few, or all, of those things.
May he deliver them all to us both. Especially the Mom Cave.
Agreed with all of the above! Your blog is hilarious and the song is awesome! I shared it with my mommy friends.
Thanks for sending it around, I really appreciate that!
Pure mommy genius.
Why, thank you.
lovin it!!!!
Glad to hear it!
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That about covers it! Just fabulous!!
Thanks! And really, thank you for posting this on your FB wall. The response has been incredible!
That was AWESOME!!!!! On another note, the most popular version of Santa Baby was recorded by Eartha Kitt, who was the original Cat Woman, so that might explain all the purring… : )
Ah, yes. Valid point. But still? Eeewwwww…
I HATE, LOATHE and DETEST the Santa Baby song…however what you’ve done here is pure perfection…especially what I’ve had to deal with today, the first “official” day of Christmas break! LOL I’m sharing this with all my mommy friends! One thing though…I personally don’t need any bling…maybe some tylenol…ibruprofen…codine perhaps?
Hmm…no bling…how about brownies? babysitter? Thanks for sharing this with your friends!
I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wish I wasn’t too tired to memorize. I still here the nasty version in stores.
You could always print out my lyrics and do spontaneous caroling when it comes on…might help?
I almost woke the baby up laughing! Love it!
Sorry to wake a baby, but glad you enjoyed it!
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LOVE THIS!!!! Can I use this in next year’s holiday show? Because we have the same (older) lady purring the original lyrics every year and it’s so …. icky.
As long as I get my royalties in red wine? Be my guest. That would be a HOOT.
As I sit here in my oversized comfy pj pants and ugly jersey sweater, hair a mess and my reading glasses perched oh so attractively on the end of my nose I SHOUT AMEN SISTER!! Now get on the phone and get Pat Benetar to record this in the style of “Hell is for Children”. Puh-LEEZ!
That is the best idea, evah!
I don’t know the real song but THIS IS A CLASSIC!
You do NOT want to know the real version. Just memorize mine.
I utterly detest Santa Baby. Love your version!
Thanks! Glad I’m not the only one.
You had me at poo. Frickin’ brilliant! I hate that original song too. Super icky.
I always knew it takes poo talk to win you over.
Lmfao! I LOVE it!!!! It’s fabulous women like you who bring so much NEEDED humor to the most important job in the world. SAHM
Aw, thanks, Erin.
Absolutely awesome.
) Only, instead of a mom cave, I’m getting a mom loft. Seriously. No soundproofing, but it’s mine and reachable only by a steep ladder.
Girl, you know how to shoot for the stars. Let’s be friends.
You know Nikki would have videotaped herself singing this for you. I smell a collaboration!
And this is when I call Nikki…
Related: what’s the new word to replace “videotaped?” Because I sound like my father-in-law. Now pass me the clicker.
I’m too busy ironing my dungarees to do any research on that right now. Now get off my lawn.
LOVE this post.
“Come and trim my Christmas tree
With a bit of free time and some…sanity.
I swear I do believe in you
Lets see if you believe in me.”
Seriously, Kim. Seriously.
Glad you like it! May Santa bring you some sanity as well this year. I think we could all use a little extra.
Omg I’m glad you referenced this in you Christmas pumpkin post because somehow I totally missed it! Hysterical!!!!
I promise to sing it to you next time we get together.
In the loo alone to poo is my favorite bit of all!!! Hilarious! Too bad it’s only a Christmas dream….
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I didn’t even know I wanted anything for Christmas, and now I want all of those things. But, more than anything, I want the opportunity to rhyme loo and poo in conversation today. So awesome!
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