Things I Said: Road Trip to Grandma’s Edition

Let Me Start By Saying Things I Said

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I traveled solo with my kids for 4 days to my Mom’s house.  Both kids were messed up from DST, they had to share a room, & my 4yo decided to be a total asshole for the entire trip. Good times.

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Don’t call her a Stinky Baby.  Don’t call him a Butt.  Just get in the car, both of you.

We’ve only been driving for 4 minutes.  We have 4 more hours to go.  You better stop saying you’re bored already, or I’ll toss that Leapster right out the window so you can suffer just as much as I am.

She has no control over your eyeball becoming fire. Ignore her.

Is the answer to this question: ‘The girl smacking herself in the head’?


Don’t stand on your sister’s back. Even if she asks you to. Even if she tells you to.

[When friends stop by before you all go to dinner] Okay, everybody, don’t get too crazy… 

Which of course means start a WWF Smackdown in the living room while one little girl pecks the wrestlers in their faces with wooden birds and the youngest member intermittantly tosses miscellaneous collectibles into the ring.

Don’t throw animals at Grandma.

There’s no looking for someone else’s brain while they’re sleeping.  Give me the flashlight.

I’m TIRED.  I’m CRANKY. I’m very likely to YELL. Just…don’t talk to me in the morning until you start sleeping til you’re supposed to again.

No.  No more questions.  I will not discuss the Solar System any more until at least 7am.  And get off my head, please.


Who put glue in the sink?

Don’t step in his mouth.

While I am impressed with your creative talent for coming up with new fake things to decide you’re scared of at night, there’s absolutely no way at all I am going to share a bed with you.  So buck up, Buttercup, or it’s gonna be a long night.

What crazy things have you said this week?

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  1. says

    Well, yesterday alone I can remember:
    “What’s the AP Style for thigh-highs and G-string?” (work)
    “If this damn project I’ve spent too much time on doesn’t pan out, I’m going to poke my eyes out with a dull butter knife and delete my blog.” (home)
    “I think replacing your porch light with a red one might give off something other than a holiday vibe” (me to crazy drunk neighbor lady)

  2. says

    When I think “I bet every possible phrase in the English word has been spoken at some point” it never occurred to me that 99% of the oddest ones came from Moms…

  3. says

    “Well what do you think happens when you’re in a gay bar and wearing a princess tiara on your birthday?” This was said to my BFF’s younger brother in response to why a couple of drag queens were trying to undress him, lol

  4. says

    As the mother of the other half of the WWF Smackdown, I’m just bummed that our kids couldn’t find any common ground and just didn’t know how to play together. The wooden bird pecking was a great addition and totally annoyed the boys – mission accomplished Miss A! S mostly just watched, grateful for someone else to have taken her place in the melee. Thanks, Mr T!

    The last on is my favorite. Did it work?

    • says

      Shockingly, it did! I put my foot down and she finally took me seriously. That, and there’s nothing but her curtains, mattress and the paint on her walls. Girlfriend’s trying to earn some toys & books back into her room….

  5. says

    Yesterday: “Please stop putting feminine hygiene products in the front seat of my car. People can see inside.”

    Day before yesterday: “Just because the dog’s birthday is tomorrow, doesn’t mean you’re getting a cake and presents too.”

    This morning: “Can I walk more than 3 feet without seeing or stepping on panties.”

    I live a rock star life with these chicks.

    awesomely hilarious as usual Kim

  6. says

    Love it! It’s insane the things we find ourselves saying to our kids.

    Here are latest things I’ve said to my 4 year old daughter:
    1. Stop sniffing your dad’s butt. That is disgusting!
    2. OMG! You’re bleeding out! We need to get you to a hospital right away! (said over the tiniest dot of blood that you needed a magnifying glass to see…she was bawling because I told her no band aid)
    3. No I will not change your name to Sarah.

    I know there are many more, but my memory is for shit.

  7. says

    Take the hanger out of your nose.

    I said this toninght. Not to my usual suspect, Roo, who is fearless in the foreign object department, but to my Zippy. Strange, she’s usually more a “take that out of your mouth” kid.

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