10 Things My Ass Has Taught Me This Week

I had to see my vascular surgeon today, because the hemorrhoids my kids gave me during my pregnancies 4.5 & 6.5 years ago are relentless mutherfarkers.

I thought I was gonna just go in for a routine Hemorrhoidectomy.  (Which sucks, by the way.)

But ooooohhhhh no.

It just keeps getting better.

Rather than prolong your suspense, let me just tell you..

What My Ass Has Taught Me This Week

1. No matter how casually they work it into conversation, there is no non-wierd way for a stranger and his assistant to suggest you “kneel right over there, take your pants off and bend over”.

2. It is absolutely not necessary to tell someone, while cauterizing a fissure in their asshole, “this may burn a little”.

3. When the surgeon tells you that the scope will be more uncomfortable than the cauterizing, what he means is “Shoving this cold plastic thing in your sore asshole will be really, really unpleasant.  Then I’ll light your asshole on fire, but hopefully the frigid scope will counteract the flames a bit.  Maybe.  Or not.”

4. Everybody walks funny when leaving their appointment at the vascular surgeon’s office.

5. As much as my friend tells me to stop talking about my ass, doing so can gain you lots and lots of new friends who loooooove talking about assholes. And hemorrhoids. And other icky undercarriage issues.

Percent increase in Facebook “Likes” for the past 3 days.  Holy shizzballs, Batman.

6. When this happens, I WILL call her and tell her “I told you people like hearing about my hemorrhoids!”  And man, it feels good to be right.

7. Just because the doctor can be blasé about things like cauterizing your asshole and waiting to see if that heals before doing surgery to fix your flapping hemmy, it doesn’t mean any of this is actually Good News.

8. While it is great to be checked all over to ensure one remains cancer-free when one has a family history of Cancer Shmancer Everywhere, I can’t imagine next month’s Colonoscopy Prep will be Barrel-of-Monkeys fun when I also have an anal fissure and hemmy downtown.

9. When the pharmacist tells me to keep my fancy new tub of prescription ass ointment cool, I’m guaranteed to store it in the wine fridge on top of Husband’s soda. He’s the one who got me pregnant – twice! – which was what led me to this whole messed-up asshole situation.  He ought to be reminded of my pain each time he gets thirsty.

Would you like a Coke, Iced Tea or Anal Fissure Ointment with that sandwich?

And finally…

10. I have the kind of friends who will schlep my kids around, email/call/text me to check in on my ass, and bring over Sympathy Pastries (plus cookies to bribe my kids to Leave Me Alone).  None of them letting the embarrassing TMI nature of what I’m going through keep them from offering to help in any way possible, or telling me that I deserve every one of the new readers I’ve gained this week because of my ass issues.

Nothing says Get Well Soon like cream puffs.

So despite the fissure in my asshole that may require surgery, the hemmy that still lives and breathes back there that also requires surgery, and the colonoscopy my surgeon wants to throw into that OR visit just because he’ll be digging around down there anyway?

I’m one lucky girl.

Thanks again to the wonderful Julie over at Shit My Kids Ruined for not only putting my ass on her Facebook Page, but encouraging her kagillion fans to come support me.  
Also thanks to all of you new “fans” and followers who are reading along, despite the fact that I keep talking about my asshole. You people are a big Awesome Sandwich.  But don’t worry, I won’t eat you. I plan on not eating ever again. Because eating would make me poop. *shudder*

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  1. says

    OMG I don’t know whether to run away screaming or laugh my ass off (opps! my bad). Going with the latter. Best post I have read all week. Just sorry you’ve had to suffer so much for it! Hope you’re feeling better soon my dear x

  2. says

    Lordy – I had those pre-cancerous doodads freeze-burned off my face today and thought *I* had it bad because I look like I passed out at a bar and people just kept drinking and smoking and putting out their cigarettes on my face. YOU WIN!

  3. Whit says

    Ok let me start off by saying I am sorry that you have to go through this torture, but I’m glad that you can laugh through your pain. I would also like to say thank you. I am having a really crappy day and needed a good laugh.

    So good luck on all your ass-ociated problems.

  4. Anonymous says

    Thank you for shareing your pain with us who cringe along with your words. Most of us mothers have had to deal with asshole issues. Children are the gift that keeps on giving. From stretch marks and saggy boobs, to hemmys and fissures. Bless you on your journey to a healthy asshole! We here in the virtural world are pulling for you.

  5. jesscdoo says

    Oh, HELL: #9. Funniest thing I’ve read in a WHILE [and I follow The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson) and Hyperbole and a Half (Allie Brosh)]. Get well soon!

  6. says

    Did I ever tell you I used to work on the Anusol account? Not many people know the difference between Anusol and Preparation H…it’s an honor to be me at a cocktail party. I can really entertain the M-asses. Chortle.

    In all seriousness, what a shitty (oops!) thing to have to endure. I really do feel bad for you, woman. I’m so sorry!

  7. says

    I don’t know what made me laugh harder, the “flapping hemmy” moniker or the notion (and picture!) of your husband having to look at that nicely chilled bunger-hole cream every time he wants a soda. “Oh are you thirsty hon? Well my ASSHOLE feels like someone shoved a grenade up it. Diet or regular, boo?”

  8. Amy says

    You poor thing!! I have a fissure now, this is my 3rd one and the 1st was brought on by my last pregnancy, I definitely understand how you feel, I’m so so sorry…mine haven’t ever gotten so bad that they needed surgery but I totally understand the never wanting to eat thing…I have a bum tooth too boot, so I won’t be eating for, oh, ever! Hope you feel better quick!!

  9. says

    I had the oh so fantastic hemmy surgery for my “Grade 4″ (insert screaming siren noises here) friends I named after my husband’s bosses Joe and Chris. As if it weren’t embarrassing enough to be spreading my cheeks for everyone in the OR to see, things got even worse when one of the techs said “Oh……Wow….” Sweet. I knew I was dead when I woke up to the surgeon saying to me “yeah, this is going to hurt for a while”. Two words to describe the first required use of those special membranes? Broken Glass. Just know I feel your pain IN THE WORST WAY, that sitting in the hot tub immediately following a required passage through the area sort of helps, and that nothing is better than Oxycontin and red wine. And a bag of frozen peas.

  10. Val says

    I love, love, love all the TMI. :) I never had issues pooping until pregnancy with both of my girls had me so constipated I literally thought I would never poop again. It got so bad that my husband and I would literally high five when I came out of the restroom if I pooped. Oddly enough we still celebrate my pooping skills and we have even figured out little code names so we can chat about it in front of people that might not appreciate it. Our favorite poop is a Godzilla (aka REALLY big poop). Hope your A$$ feels better and the days of ninja pooping return.

    • says

      OMG, you’ll love this: I read a book last summer that was a memoir about some woman who grew up in a Menonite (sp?) family. Her mom called pooping: A Big Job. I couldn’t stop laughing about that for a month.

    • says

      I need to email her so we can talk assholes. I gotta have one in a month when I get the rest of the stuff done, so obviously I am very excited about that joy ride. Or not.

      I did not die. It wasn’t as bad as the hemorrhoidectomy, but it is more likely to get infected/grow into something worse. So he had to deal with the fissure 1st. I’ll email you more deets, because i know you love the personal gorey stuff.

  11. monica says

    OK, I read the entire post and don’t recall one mention of anesthesia. Puh-lease tell me the Dr gave you something this time around. Hope you have a speedy recovery!

    • says

      His scope had numbing stuff on it. I REFUSED to drop drawers until i knew my back door would be numbed a bit, and he used a pediatric scope on me. Last time i was scoped, the (other) doctor used the wrong one and tore me. NO FUN.
      Though, despite the numbing stuff I did feel the heat of the cauterizing. Good times.

  12. says

    Hold the damn phone. You were violated by ice tubes and crack flames? No “ectomy” and you need to do a colonoscopy? Well, crap, I’d better send a “Sorry Your Ass Hates You” cake.

    Woman, I care deeply about your ass. Take care.

  13. PVB Mom says

    I started reading your blog thanks to Shit My Kids Ruined and my two, previously dormant hemmies have erupted due to some kind of weird sympathy/solidarity thing. Two children and two c-sections are nothing compared to the pain in my ass. Awful, awful, awful!!!! Maybe when yours goes away, my two friends will do the same. Wishing us both a hemmy free hiney, asap!

  14. says

    You have no idea. I am seriously following this whole thing with bated breath. Because I have nastybad hemmies. They’re so bad I call them the Flaming Lips, because, yes, I can see them in a mirror if I bend over, yes the look like Hot Lips from the muppets, and they burn baby burn. I think I have to do this that you just did. Or some version of it. And you’re helping me work up the nerve.

    • says

      I just almost fell off my chair laughing! OMG, that is the best hemmy description, ever.
      Go have a vascular surgeon check yours out. There are different kinds, and there’s different ways of getting rid of them (varying degrees of hurt/recovery). It was awful having my thrombosed one sliced off last time, but after the healing process I was a new woman. It was AMAZING to not think about my ass for so long.

  15. says

    I have a fissure (self diagnosed) and am absolutely petrified to have it worked on, though I am awaiting an appointment to be seen. Did the cauterization help? Thinking about pooping all day, every day, is absolutely exhausting.
    I can’t begin to tell you how many different creams, ointments, and oils I have dispensed into my butt with a medicine syringe, and most of them are not even for the ass! It’s getting pretty sad when I see any kind of lubricated item and wonder if that should be the next thing entering my exit…

    • says

      Hey Marie! Sorry to hear about your tushie.
      The cauterization apparently helped a bit, but typical procedure is now to give you a Rx ointment to put on your a-hole 3x a day to help rush blood to the area so it can heal without surgery…and I had a massive allergic reaction to the ointment. Which means this didn’t work for me (read: contact dermatitis like I’ve never had before).
      The surgery was absolutely worth it. The pain of my fissure would actually wake me up at night. I bled at every poop, cried at every poop, and would be sore afterwards. Even when eating a mostly liquid, totally soft diet. It. Was. Awful.
      But I’m now 4 weeks post-op and a new person. Yeah, between the fissure, the cut they do in the a-hole muscle to fix that, and the cut where they removed the hemmy, I have the itch of 3 healing wounds…but this can be controlled with a little Vaseline, the right diet, Miralax & Motrin (if I eat too many butterscotch brownies…not that I’d ever do that and it would hurt my bum really badly…ahem).
      Go see your doctor, be more afraid of NOT fixing it than fixing it. I’d rather deal with a few weeks of post-op pain, knowing that recovery is around the corner, than another second of that untreated fissure pain.
      Oh – and start doing sitz baths & get yourself a nice o-ring cushion at a medical supply store (the foam kind, not the rubber). They made my world a better place.
      Good luck! Let me know how it goes!

  16. says

    I’m imagining a commercial, with sexy girls with big boobs running on a beach while somehow not breaking a sweat, accompanied by the telltale sign of a soda can being opened. You know, the chhhh-ahhh. And then one of the sexy running girls holding up your anal fissure cream winks at the camera, as a narrator quickly glosses over all the side effects of the drug.
    alonewithcats recently posted..In the spur of the moment, I discovered doggy style isn’t my style. Because I’m a cat person. And other reasons.My Profile

  17. Kristy says

    You are one of THE funniest people, just love your sense of humour. This and your ‘How I Made the Kind of Friends You Need While Almost Crapping My Pants in an Elevator. Twice.’ post had me in fits of laughter.

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