I had to see my vascular surgeon today, because the hemorrhoids my kids gave me during my pregnancies 4.5 & 6.5 years ago are relentless mutherfarkers.
I thought I was gonna just go in for a routine Hemorrhoidectomy. (Which sucks, by the way.)
But ooooohhhhh no.
It just keeps getting better.
Rather than prolong your suspense, let me just tell you..
What My Ass Has Taught Me This Week
1. No matter how casually they work it into conversation, there is no non-wierd way for a stranger and his assistant to suggest you “kneel right over there, take your pants off and bend over”.
2. It is absolutely not necessary to tell someone, while cauterizing a fissure in their asshole, “this may burn a little”.
3. When the surgeon tells you that the scope will be more uncomfortable than the cauterizing, what he means is “Shoving this cold plastic thing in your sore asshole will be really, really unpleasant. Then I’ll light your asshole on fire, but hopefully the frigid scope will counteract the flames a bit. Maybe. Or not.”
4. Everybody walks funny when leaving their appointment at the vascular surgeon’s office.
5. As much as my friend tells me to stop talking about my ass, doing so can gain you lots and lots of new friends who loooooove talking about assholes. And hemorrhoids. And other icky undercarriage issues.
Percent increase in Facebook “Likes” for the past 3 days. Holy shizzballs, Batman.
6. When this happens, I WILL call her and tell her “I told you people like hearing about my hemorrhoids!” And man, it feels good to be right.
7. Just because the doctor can be blasé about things like cauterizing your asshole and waiting to see if that heals before doing surgery to fix your flapping hemmy, it doesn’t mean any of this is actually Good News.
8. While it is great to be checked all over to ensure one remains cancer-free when one has a family history of Cancer Shmancer Everywhere, I can’t imagine next month’s Colonoscopy Prep will be Barrel-of-Monkeys fun when I also have an anal fissure and hemmy downtown.
9. When the pharmacist tells me to keep my fancy new tub of prescription ass ointment cool, I’m guaranteed to store it in the wine fridge on top of Husband’s soda. He’s the one who got me pregnant – twice! – which was what led me to this whole messed-up asshole situation. He ought to be reminded of my pain each time he gets thirsty.
Would you like a Coke, Iced Tea or Anal Fissure Ointment with that sandwich?
And finally…
10. I have the kind of friends who will schlep my kids around, email/call/text me to check in on my ass, and bring over Sympathy Pastries (plus cookies to bribe my kids to Leave Me Alone). None of them letting the embarrassing TMI nature of what I’m going through keep them from offering to help in any way possible, or telling me that I deserve every one of the new readers I’ve gained this week because of my ass issues.
Nothing says Get Well Soon like cream puffs.
So despite the fissure in my asshole that may require surgery, the hemmy that still lives and breathes back there that also requires surgery, and the colonoscopy my surgeon wants to throw into that OR visit just because he’ll be digging around down there anyway?
I’m one lucky girl.
I started reading your blog thanks to Shit My Kids Ruined and my two, previously dormant hemmies have erupted due to some kind of weird sympathy/solidarity thing. Two children and two c-sections are nothing compared to the pain in my ass. Awful, awful, awful!!!! Maybe when yours goes away, my two friends will do the same. Wishing us both a hemmy free hiney, asap!
So sorry! Though I do appreciate the sympathy.
May we both have normal-looking assholes by the New Year. 🙂
You have no idea. I am seriously following this whole thing with bated breath. Because I have nastybad hemmies. They’re so bad I call them the Flaming Lips, because, yes, I can see them in a mirror if I bend over, yes the look like Hot Lips from the muppets, and they burn baby burn. I think I have to do this that you just did. Or some version of it. And you’re helping me work up the nerve.
I just almost fell off my chair laughing! OMG, that is the best hemmy description, ever.
Go have a vascular surgeon check yours out. There are different kinds, and there’s different ways of getting rid of them (varying degrees of hurt/recovery). It was awful having my thrombosed one sliced off last time, but after the healing process I was a new woman. It was AMAZING to not think about my ass for so long.
I have a fissure (self diagnosed) and am absolutely petrified to have it worked on, though I am awaiting an appointment to be seen. Did the cauterization help? Thinking about pooping all day, every day, is absolutely exhausting.
I can’t begin to tell you how many different creams, ointments, and oils I have dispensed into my butt with a medicine syringe, and most of them are not even for the ass! It’s getting pretty sad when I see any kind of lubricated item and wonder if that should be the next thing entering my exit…
Hey Marie! Sorry to hear about your tushie.
The cauterization apparently helped a bit, but typical procedure is now to give you a Rx ointment to put on your a-hole 3x a day to help rush blood to the area so it can heal without surgery…and I had a massive allergic reaction to the ointment. Which means this didn’t work for me (read: contact dermatitis like I’ve never had before).
The surgery was absolutely worth it. The pain of my fissure would actually wake me up at night. I bled at every poop, cried at every poop, and would be sore afterwards. Even when eating a mostly liquid, totally soft diet. It. Was. Awful.
But I’m now 4 weeks post-op and a new person. Yeah, between the fissure, the cut they do in the a-hole muscle to fix that, and the cut where they removed the hemmy, I have the itch of 3 healing wounds…but this can be controlled with a little Vaseline, the right diet, Miralax & Motrin (if I eat too many butterscotch brownies…not that I’d ever do that and it would hurt my bum really badly…ahem).
Go see your doctor, be more afraid of NOT fixing it than fixing it. I’d rather deal with a few weeks of post-op pain, knowing that recovery is around the corner, than another second of that untreated fissure pain.
Oh – and start doing sitz baths & get yourself a nice o-ring cushion at a medical supply store (the foam kind, not the rubber). They made my world a better place.
Good luck! Let me know how it goes!
I just had NO IDEA! Two of my kids were actually born out of my asshole (no lie!) – it ain’t pretty either…
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Oh. My. God.
Your back door must be a train wreck. We are bonded for life now, since we have this in common.
“Then I’ll light your asshole on fire, but hopefully the frigid scope will counteract the flames a bit. Maybe. Or not.” Best line I’ve read all night. Dying.
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Happy my anal cauterizing made your night. 😉
I’m imagining a commercial, with sexy girls with big boobs running on a beach while somehow not breaking a sweat, accompanied by the telltale sign of a soda can being opened. You know, the chhhh-ahhh. And then one of the sexy running girls holding up your anal fissure cream winks at the camera, as a narrator quickly glosses over all the side effects of the drug.
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That’s EXACTLY what happened in the Target pharmacy when I went to pick it up.
You are one of THE funniest people, just love your sense of humour. This and your ‘How I Made the Kind of Friends You Need While Almost Crapping My Pants in an Elevator. Twice.’ post had me in fits of laughter.
Thanks for having such a keen interest in me keester & loving how my colon makes you laugh. Come by again soon!
Just had baby #2. I see the ass doctor for the first time on Friday. Needed this.
I just had the cauterization done. I haven’t had my first bowel yet. OMG what do I need to expect. Help concerned Asswhole.
It is scary but when it’s over, it’s over. GOOD LUCK. (And drink so much water you think you might burst–it really does help.)