Let Me Start By Saying

By Kim Bongiorno

  • HOME
  • POPULAR POSTS
  • ABOUT ME / HIRE ME
  • MY BOOKS
  • SUBSCRIBE
  • SHOP
  • AUTHOR SITE

10 Things My Ass Has Taught Me This Week

October 21, 2011 By Kim Bongiorno at LetMeStartBySaying 57 Comments

I had to see my vascular surgeon today, because the hemorrhoids my kids gave me during my pregnancies 4.5 & 6.5 years ago are relentless mutherfarkers.

I thought I was gonna just go in for a routine Hemorrhoidectomy.  (Which sucks, by the way.)

But ooooohhhhh no.

It just keeps getting better.

Rather than prolong your suspense, let me just tell you..

What My Ass Has Taught Me This Week

1. No matter how casually they work it into conversation, there is no non-wierd way for a stranger and his assistant to suggest you “kneel right over there, take your pants off and bend over”.

2. It is absolutely not necessary to tell someone, while cauterizing a fissure in their asshole, “this may burn a little”.

3. When the surgeon tells you that the scope will be more uncomfortable than the cauterizing, what he means is “Shoving this cold plastic thing in your sore asshole will be really, really unpleasant.  Then I’ll light your asshole on fire, but hopefully the frigid scope will counteract the flames a bit.  Maybe.  Or not.”

4. Everybody walks funny when leaving their appointment at the vascular surgeon’s office.

5. As much as my friend tells me to stop talking about my ass, doing so can gain you lots and lots of new friends who loooooove talking about assholes. And hemorrhoids. And other icky undercarriage issues.

Percent increase in Facebook “Likes” for the past 3 days.  Holy shizzballs, Batman.

6. When this happens, I WILL call her and tell her “I told you people like hearing about my hemorrhoids!”  And man, it feels good to be right.

7. Just because the doctor can be blasé about things like cauterizing your asshole and waiting to see if that heals before doing surgery to fix your flapping hemmy, it doesn’t mean any of this is actually Good News.

8. While it is great to be checked all over to ensure one remains cancer-free when one has a family history of Cancer Shmancer Everywhere, I can’t imagine next month’s Colonoscopy Prep will be Barrel-of-Monkeys fun when I also have an anal fissure and hemmy downtown.

9. When the pharmacist tells me to keep my fancy new tub of prescription ass ointment cool, I’m guaranteed to store it in the wine fridge on top of Husband’s soda. He’s the one who got me pregnant – twice! – which was what led me to this whole messed-up asshole situation.  He ought to be reminded of my pain each time he gets thirsty.

Would you like a Coke, Iced Tea or Anal Fissure Ointment with that sandwich?

And finally…

10. I have the kind of friends who will schlep my kids around, email/call/text me to check in on my ass, and bring over Sympathy Pastries (plus cookies to bribe my kids to Leave Me Alone).  None of them letting the embarrassing TMI nature of what I’m going through keep them from offering to help in any way possible, or telling me that I deserve every one of the new readers I’ve gained this week because of my ass issues.

Nothing says Get Well Soon like cream puffs.

So despite the fissure in my asshole that may require surgery, the hemmy that still lives and breathes back there that also requires surgery, and the colonoscopy my surgeon wants to throw into that OR visit just because he’ll be digging around down there anyway?

I’m one lucky girl.

Thanks again to the wonderful Julie over at Shit My Kids Ruined for not only putting my ass on her Facebook Page, but encouraging her kagillion fans to come support me.  
Also thanks to all of you new “fans” and followers who are reading along, despite the fact that I keep talking about my asshole. You people are a big Awesome Sandwich.  But don’t worry, I won’t eat you. I plan on not eating ever again. Because eating would make me poop. *shudder*

Comments

  1. PVB Mom says

    November 3, 2011 at 10:09 am

    I started reading your blog thanks to Shit My Kids Ruined and my two, previously dormant hemmies have erupted due to some kind of weird sympathy/solidarity thing. Two children and two c-sections are nothing compared to the pain in my ass. Awful, awful, awful!!!! Maybe when yours goes away, my two friends will do the same. Wishing us both a hemmy free hiney, asap!

    Reply
    • Let Me Start By Saying says

      November 3, 2011 at 12:17 pm

      So sorry! Though I do appreciate the sympathy.
      May we both have normal-looking assholes by the New Year. 🙂

      Reply
  2. jesterqueen1 says

    November 6, 2011 at 12:40 am

    You have no idea. I am seriously following this whole thing with bated breath. Because I have nastybad hemmies. They’re so bad I call them the Flaming Lips, because, yes, I can see them in a mirror if I bend over, yes the look like Hot Lips from the muppets, and they burn baby burn. I think I have to do this that you just did. Or some version of it. And you’re helping me work up the nerve.

    Reply
    • Let Me Start By Saying says

      November 6, 2011 at 5:08 pm

      I just almost fell off my chair laughing! OMG, that is the best hemmy description, ever.
      Go have a vascular surgeon check yours out. There are different kinds, and there’s different ways of getting rid of them (varying degrees of hurt/recovery). It was awful having my thrombosed one sliced off last time, but after the healing process I was a new woman. It was AMAZING to not think about my ass for so long.

      Reply
  3. Marie Odom says

    December 24, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I have a fissure (self diagnosed) and am absolutely petrified to have it worked on, though I am awaiting an appointment to be seen. Did the cauterization help? Thinking about pooping all day, every day, is absolutely exhausting.
    I can’t begin to tell you how many different creams, ointments, and oils I have dispensed into my butt with a medicine syringe, and most of them are not even for the ass! It’s getting pretty sad when I see any kind of lubricated item and wonder if that should be the next thing entering my exit…

    Reply
    • Let Me Start By Saying says

      December 29, 2011 at 9:11 am

      Hey Marie! Sorry to hear about your tushie.
      The cauterization apparently helped a bit, but typical procedure is now to give you a Rx ointment to put on your a-hole 3x a day to help rush blood to the area so it can heal without surgery…and I had a massive allergic reaction to the ointment. Which means this didn’t work for me (read: contact dermatitis like I’ve never had before).
      The surgery was absolutely worth it. The pain of my fissure would actually wake me up at night. I bled at every poop, cried at every poop, and would be sore afterwards. Even when eating a mostly liquid, totally soft diet. It. Was. Awful.
      But I’m now 4 weeks post-op and a new person. Yeah, between the fissure, the cut they do in the a-hole muscle to fix that, and the cut where they removed the hemmy, I have the itch of 3 healing wounds…but this can be controlled with a little Vaseline, the right diet, Miralax & Motrin (if I eat too many butterscotch brownies…not that I’d ever do that and it would hurt my bum really badly…ahem).
      Go see your doctor, be more afraid of NOT fixing it than fixing it. I’d rather deal with a few weeks of post-op pain, knowing that recovery is around the corner, than another second of that untreated fissure pain.
      Oh – and start doing sitz baths & get yourself a nice o-ring cushion at a medical supply store (the foam kind, not the rubber). They made my world a better place.
      Good luck! Let me know how it goes!

      Reply
  4. Anna says

    March 13, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    I just had NO IDEA! Two of my kids were actually born out of my asshole (no lie!) – it ain’t pretty either…

    Reply
    • Let Me Start By Saying says

      March 13, 2012 at 4:37 pm

      Oh. My. God.
      Your back door must be a train wreck. We are bonded for life now, since we have this in common.

      Reply
  5. sparkling74 says

    May 20, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    “Then I’ll light your asshole on fire, but hopefully the frigid scope will counteract the flames a bit. Maybe. Or not.” Best line I’ve read all night. Dying.

    Reply
    • Let Me Start By Saying says

      May 20, 2012 at 9:24 pm

      Happy my anal cauterizing made your night. 😉

      Reply
  6. alonewithcats says

    June 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    I’m imagining a commercial, with sexy girls with big boobs running on a beach while somehow not breaking a sweat, accompanied by the telltale sign of a soda can being opened. You know, the chhhh-ahhh. And then one of the sexy running girls holding up your anal fissure cream winks at the camera, as a narrator quickly glosses over all the side effects of the drug.

    Reply
    • Let Me Start By Saying says

      June 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

      That’s EXACTLY what happened in the Target pharmacy when I went to pick it up.

      Reply
  7. Kristy says

    August 8, 2012 at 9:30 am

    You are one of THE funniest people, just love your sense of humour. This and your ‘How I Made the Kind of Friends You Need While Almost Crapping My Pants in an Elevator. Twice.’ post had me in fits of laughter.

    Reply
    • Let Me Start By Saying says

      August 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm

      Thanks for having such a keen interest in me keester & loving how my colon makes you laugh. Come by again soon!

      Reply
  8. Rach says

    August 22, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    Just had baby #2. I see the ass doctor for the first time on Friday. Needed this.

    Reply
  9. Michelle says

    July 19, 2017 at 6:44 am

    I just had the cauterization done. I haven’t had my first bowel yet. OMG what do I need to expect. Help concerned Asswhole.

    Reply
    • Kim Bongiorno at LetMeStartBySaying says

      July 21, 2017 at 4:42 pm

      It is scary but when it’s over, it’s over. GOOD LUCK. (And drink so much water you think you might burst–it really does help.)

      Reply
« Older Comments

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Learn More About Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying

I LOVE BOOKS

Books I Recommend

MY WORDS IN PRINT

Kim Bongiorno Books | Fiction, humor, feminism, parenting tweets, and everything in between. All available now.

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

AS SEEN ON…

Kim Bongiorno as seen on bylines May 2016
[instagram-feed]

PR, ADVERTISING, AND CONSULTATION SERVICES

Get the info here.

MORE KIM BONGIORNO

Popular posts • About Kim • Facebook • Twitter  • Instagram • Pinterest • Goodreads • Amazon • Sunday newsletter • Author website • Appearances • Talk books with Kim  • For writers

Categories

COPYRIGHT INFO

© Let Me Start By Saying, 2008-2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Plus, Karma is a bitch who will hunt you down for stealing from me. I’ve had enough to deal with, so she’s got my back.

Google PageRank Checker

[footer_backtotop]

Copyright © 2021 | LetMeStartbySayingBlog.com by Kim Bongiorno | SEO By DiTesco Consulting