10 Things My Ass Has Taught Me This Week

I had to see my vascular surgeon today, because the hemorrhoids my kids gave me during my pregnancies 4.5 & 6.5 years ago are relentless mutherfarkers.

I thought I was gonna just go in for a routine Hemorrhoidectomy.  (Which sucks, by the way.)

But ooooohhhhh no.

It just keeps getting better.

Rather than prolong your suspense, let me just tell you..

What My Ass Has Taught Me This Week

1. No matter how casually they work it into conversation, there is no non-wierd way for a stranger and his assistant to suggest you “kneel right over there, take your pants off and bend over”.

2. It is absolutely not necessary to tell someone, while cauterizing a fissure in their asshole, “this may burn a little”.

3. When the surgeon tells you that the scope will be more uncomfortable than the cauterizing, what he means is “Shoving this cold plastic thing in your sore asshole will be really, really unpleasant.  Then I’ll light your asshole on fire, but hopefully the frigid scope will counteract the flames a bit.  Maybe.  Or not.”

4. Everybody walks funny when leaving their appointment at the vascular surgeon’s office.

5. As much as my friend tells me to stop talking about my ass, doing so can gain you lots and lots of new friends who loooooove talking about assholes. And hemorrhoids. And other icky undercarriage issues.

Percent increase in Facebook “Likes” for the past 3 days.  Holy shizzballs, Batman.

6. When this happens, I WILL call her and tell her “I told you people like hearing about my hemorrhoids!”  And man, it feels good to be right.

7. Just because the doctor can be blasé about things like cauterizing your asshole and waiting to see if that heals before doing surgery to fix your flapping hemmy, it doesn’t mean any of this is actually Good News.

8. While it is great to be checked all over to ensure one remains cancer-free when one has a family history of Cancer Shmancer Everywhere, I can’t imagine next month’s Colonoscopy Prep will be Barrel-of-Monkeys fun when I also have an anal fissure and hemmy downtown.

9. When the pharmacist tells me to keep my fancy new tub of prescription ass ointment cool, I’m guaranteed to store it in the wine fridge on top of Husband’s soda. He’s the one who got me pregnant – twice! – which was what led me to this whole messed-up asshole situation.  He ought to be reminded of my pain each time he gets thirsty.

Would you like a Coke, Iced Tea or Anal Fissure Ointment with that sandwich?

And finally…

10. I have the kind of friends who will schlep my kids around, email/call/text me to check in on my ass, and bring over Sympathy Pastries (plus cookies to bribe my kids to Leave Me Alone).  None of them letting the embarrassing TMI nature of what I’m going through keep them from offering to help in any way possible, or telling me that I deserve every one of the new readers I’ve gained this week because of my ass issues.

Nothing says Get Well Soon like cream puffs.

So despite the fissure in my asshole that may require surgery, the hemmy that still lives and breathes back there that also requires surgery, and the colonoscopy my surgeon wants to throw into that OR visit just because he’ll be digging around down there anyway?

I’m one lucky girl.

Thanks again to the wonderful Julie over at Shit My Kids Ruined for not only putting my ass on her Facebook Page, but encouraging her kagillion fans to come support me.  
Also thanks to all of you new “fans” and followers who are reading along, despite the fact that I keep talking about my asshole. You people are a big Awesome Sandwich.  But don’t worry, I won’t eat you. I plan on not eating ever again. Because eating would make me poop. *shudder*

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  1. says

    I’m imagining a commercial, with sexy girls with big boobs running on a beach while somehow not breaking a sweat, accompanied by the telltale sign of a soda can being opened. You know, the chhhh-ahhh. And then one of the sexy running girls holding up your anal fissure cream winks at the camera, as a narrator quickly glosses over all the side effects of the drug.
    alonewithcats recently posted..In the spur of the moment, I discovered doggy style isn’t my style. Because I’m a cat person. And other reasons.My Profile

  2. Kristy says

    You are one of THE funniest people, just love your sense of humour. This and your ‘How I Made the Kind of Friends You Need While Almost Crapping My Pants in an Elevator. Twice.’ post had me in fits of laughter.

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