My Kids Ruined My Back Door. Again.

My back door is broken again.

And if by “back door” you think I mean the thing in my family room that opens up to the patio?

You’re wrong.

I mean my Asshole. My Asshole is broken.  Again.

It worked perfectly fine before I had kids.

Then they came along, did what kids do when they’re all growing in the uterine kiddie pool, and they broke it.

When pregnant with my son, he made my happy hiney hole swell and make sad faces.  Then I got pregnant with my daughter, who made me so ill I had to take Zofran the entire pregnancy.  Which means I pooped maybe 3 times in 9 months.  Guess what that does to one’s already tender tushie?

Nothing pretty. I’ll tell you that.

Earlier this year, I shared what it was like having the shock of my life recieving Hemorrhoidectomy #1 a couple years ago.

Spoiler alert: makes for amusing material now, but it was No Fun At All then.

[insert creepy haunted house music here]

I just made an appointment for Hemorrhoidectomy #2 on Friday.

[insert frowning, nervous expression here]

Which means this fiber-loving, veggie-eating, water-guzzing, coffee-slurping, former Ninja Pooper is going to get another piece of her asshole sliced & diced by some old dude in a white coat who looks into the darkest, saddest part of strangers’ undercarriages on a daily basis.

Which makes me think that my ass?  Is absolutely an example of Shit My Kids Ruined*.

*I love this site. Go visit and laugh. NOW.

I just don’t think they’d let me put a photo of the broken item on their Facebook page.

And I wouldn’t blame them one bit.

Sad, sad broken tushie.

My kids have written on the walls, cracked a tendon in my finger, dragged my once-perky boobs down to my knees, chipped away at my sanity, knocked my Coolness Factor down about 200 notches, scratched a hole in my eye, and inserted crumbs in every corner of my home.

But this?

This one deserves the Gold Medal in things they have ruined.

And the kicker of it all?  Is that they’re just friggin’ cute enough to get away with it.

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  1. says

    Newsflash…that backdoor won’t be any better when your kids are in their 20’s! Yeah, I’m still mad.
    This guilts them into going to the store for prune juice and stool softener, yo.
    Hope your hiney heals up soon. ; )


  2. says

    You and Bridget seem to be in sync with talk of this as of late – one of her latest posts will make you glad that you are going through this while your kids are young:

    (and yeah, I know it’s all tacky to share links and stuff, but when they are so closely related and they so unbelievably funny? I have to share.)

    Praying for you on Friday and throughout the weekend. Now that I have insurance, I have been fighting going because I know that I would be the next victim of this procedure and every time I read your posts it makes me cringe and fight more.

    Unfortunately, I think my back door is gonna win this fight.

    • says

      Oh, yeah, STP & I have much in common (unfortunately). Thanks for sending me her way again. It’s been too long since we’ve discussed our back door issues.

      Thanks for your support! I have no idea how logistically Husband & I will do soccer games, 1 round of team photos and 1 birthday party on Saturday, what with me on major painkillers and fearing bathrooms….

  3. says

    Well, if it makes you feel any better (which it won’t,) I have a totally flat ass and flat chest. At least you have an ass and boob shape to complain about, as mine are basically as dimensional as an actual back door. But with that said, oy vey and good luck with your “procedure.” If you have to sit on a doughnut, that means you can eat a doughnut, by the way…

    • says

      This photo – as Allison pointed out – actually makes my ass look shapely. Maybe the flash did it?? In reality, it is very flat and unformed. My family called me Boney Butt when I was a kid, because if I sat on your lap I couldn’t help but give a charlie horse with my meatless ass.

      i will be drugged up on pain meds eating Activia all weekend. No solid foods for me ooooooohhh noooooooo….

  4. Anonymous says

    EPIC POST!!!!! Never had the hind-end owies with any of my 4 kids (including a set of twins). And I thank God daily!! Hope everything goes well!

  5. christa says

    i feel your pain babe. literally. i experienced 2 of these wonderful procedures while pregnant. WITHOUT the painnumbing needle. i cried for days. i will cry for you .

  6. says

    I really want the TMI part. And I just went back and found part 1, because I’m debating seeing if I can get my evil hemmys off my hiney. EVERYBODY I know who has ever had them removed swears it hurts worse to have them off than to put up with it. What are your thoughts on that?

    • says

      I have all the good habits that make me someone who should never get hemmies outside of pregnancy. I haven’t been pg in 4.5 years, and yet…here they are.
      Mine wake me up at night. They become so distracting, that I forget things or can’t focus. No OTC creams or whatever make me comfortable.
      It was awful pain for about a day, then better from there. My dr gives great pain meds, and i have friends/husband who help take over the kids while I heal.
      If you do it, plan to be useless for 24 hours, minimally! I’d say, once that first week of Suckfest is over, you’re so much better.
      I can deal with post-surgery because I know I have a week or so of recovery then I’ll be waaaaaay better. Which is why, though I know exactly how badly this will hurt, I’ll do it again.
      Good luck!

  7. valerie says

    Feel your pain, literally. I had my hem-ectomy after my second born. Nothing like having your asshole sliced into every week once a week in the last trimester to relieve the clots that just would not stop. Then after darling son was born, doc pulled me in to get it all removed. Seven inches deep and 360 degrees removed. 36 stitches inside… I feel your pain. Miralax is a GODSEND!

      • valerie says

        The trauma is revisited when I miss my Miralax doses. I’m currently pregnant with ds #3. I take half as many doses of miralax because I’m paranoid it will hurt the kid. And I dealt with the morning sickness to avoid the zofran. I’m a glutton for punishment I guess.

  8. Cavelle says

    I had a fistula removed last May as a result of baby #3 and am just healed now. Pain was so bad before the surgery I thought I would die. I totally know what it is like to fear going to the bathroom. Hope this is the last time for you. No one knows unless they have been through it. You are in my thoughts!!

  9. Whit says

    OK TMI time, but if you can share so can I. While I didn’t have my backdoor ruined in quite the same way by my kids, I now have a back door that’s broken. My daughter turned five at the end of last month and at her birth she showed me exactly what her personality would mean. She does things when she’s ready and watch out cause when she’s ready SHE’S READY. Anyway a week past her due date (and the day before the doctor was going to induce) she let me know “ok Mom let’s go”. Well her let’s go meant that an hour after getting to the hospital and 15 minutes after my water was broken I had a healthy 9lb 2oz little princess. This also meant that because she came out in two pushes I was torn pretty much from one hole to the other. The doctor said that I basically had a flap of skin keeping my asshole seperated. What does this mean five years later? I still to this day do not have muscle control and am faced with get to the bathroom, get there now, or deal with the consequences.

    Funny how they never mention this stuff in the baby books.

  10. Njeri says

    Yikes! I remember when I had “hemmys” with my first born, I literally thought I was going to die from side effects of giving birth. Feeling like your asshole has been blown wide open AND having fist-sized(and larger) blood clots that make you think your giving birth to another child, is it’s own special type of hell…but what you’re describing is unfathomable to me. Makes my own asshole hurt thinking about it, so good luck!

  11. Caroline says

    How come no one tells you about this as you think about getting pregnant??? Because human kind would cease to exist. I am pregnant with my 2nd, 37 weeks. (1st had no roids) Had 2 removed so far & now #3 is here with the surgeon refusing to drain until AFTER the birth. My ass looks like I am sporting a pair of cat balls!! Pooping is awful, but more bearable in a warm sitz bath, followed with a shower….it’s a production. Did find that dusting the roids liberally and often with baby cornstarch miraculously reduces the pain….don’t ask me how, it just works.

  12. says

    No!! Those meanies.
    I’m sorry to hear you’re all ass lousy. What does one say for get well wishes to one’s hiney hole?
    Hope you’re back in ass-tion soon!

  13. says

    My kids ruined my t, ah, breasts. Now theywe’re are just little chewed up pancakes that are off-limits until I somehow forget what they’ve been through. Seriously, though, that stinks and I hope you feel better.

  14. Anonymous says

    When my hubby saw mine he said it looked like my butt was sticking its tongue out at him. I have never had to have it sliced off. It ruptured on vacay. I loved spending a day in the ER instead of on the beach to find out why I was pooping blood. Ugh. So, yeah. TMI but you are not the only one. My kids own my ass and they ruined it. :)

  15. monica says

    ohmyfreakinword !!!! I just went back and read about the 1st one and cannot believe the way your dr handled that situation. No explanation or prep beforehand??? I’m a nurse and this just blows my mind. Hope all goes 100% better this time around.

  16. says

    I personally feel that hemorrhoids look like cauliflower or at least mine does anyway. I went back and read about your first hemorrhoid removal. I’m just going to say this..I’m going to skip it. I liked my asshole before my kids. Meaning it was never a problem. Afterwards all sorts of happy stuff occurred.

  17. Heather Krauel says

    Sound awful. Sorry to hear it.
    On another note. I love your jeans in the picture. Where did you get them :)

  18. says

    Having been there, done that…I feel for you. The pain from my surgery lasted nearly a week though as the knot from the stitches wouldn’t fall out!! Once it did, I was fine. But I had the procedure done on a Tuesday and didn’t lose the knot until Sunday. Not. Fun. I’ve told many people I would rather go through nine months of pregnancy and another c-section long before I would go through that surgery again. Thank God I’m done having kids though and the heiny hell has not returned!!! Good luck to you!

  19. says

    Hey- nice ass, girl! One would never guess you’ve got a malfunctioning asshole underneath those jeans. Seems you are taking child rearing way too seriously! This post was too funny- love the reference to Shit My Kids Ruined. And I hope your asshole feels better soon. :(

  20. says

    Yet one more way I feel connected to you, even if it is from an experience that no one should EVER have to suffer.

    I usually hate when someone tells me to count my blessings or thank my lucky stars for this, that or the other when all I want to do is bitch and vent about what’s wrong with life at that moment and could give a shit less about how things could be worse BUT I’m about to be one of “those” people. My turn for TMI:

    I’ll take your two hemorrhoidectomies, and raise you SEVEN surgeries to repair your asshole (which included, let’s just say, diversionary measures that required all sorts of attachments and was sincerely the most disgusting and embarrassing four months of my life.) My first-born literally ripped my ass apart. And just like Humpty Dumpty, no one seemed to be able to put my poor ass back together again. After the “diversion,” things finally healed properly so I could lead a somewhat normal pooping life again. I now get to attend “Butt University” every couple of years for physical therapy to ensure I don’t have to have a permanent “diversion” after I’m 50. My colorectal surgeon actually told me after this was all over, “Okay honey, now don’t let anyone back you in a corner, if you know what I mean. We may never get you fixed again if you decide to be adventurous.” I was also advised never to have another baby vaginally again, to which he sang, “C-Section, C-Section, RAH RAH RAH!” My ass doctor was actually pretty, well, badass and had an awesome sense of humor about what he did for a living.

    My final surgery was just last year (the birth which caused all this was in January 2006) and it was a hemorrhoidectomy. You’d think that as many times as my ass had been in a sling up to that point, they would have lopped those things off already, but no. While it wasn’t the most evasive of the surgeries I had had, it still sucked a bunch. Thankfully, I didn’t have to do that one twice. You definitely have my sincerest sympathies for having to suffer through it again. And also for that first dreaded trip to the facilities to move things along. One day, Kim. One day, we’ll pay these kids back. I’ve always said that after my son turns 18, when he least expects it, I’m going to kick him square in the ass. Hard. Just because.

    Good luck, girl. We’ll all be thinking of you….and your hiney. :)

    • says

      Oh. My. Shizzles.
      What a nightmare! I hope you’re doing okay now.
      I had to give birth to my son without painkillers, and it was no fun at all (I’ll spare the details). I already had that to hold over his head forever, so I’m adding the extra ass surgeries on top.
      Future guilt trips (or ass kicks), here we come!

  21. says

    So, I’m reading the first line like the dirty monkey I am and thinking, ha ha, that’s funny, she said “back door”! And I was totally PLANNING on making a joke about how “back door” means butt hole! And then I get to the part where you say this REALLY IS ABOUT YOUR BUTT HOLE!


    AND, you managed to make a post about your fucked up chocolate starfish FUNNY as hell. How’d you do that? Genius.

    To think I actually had the gaul to morn the time my kids melted my favorite vintage Fisher Price Little People (who looked just like Oprah) on a light bulb. Suddenly the contents of my Shit My Kids Ruined Box is rather inconsequential.

    Hope your fart box is feeling better, honey!

  22. says

    Yes my ass was very broken as well,took me weeks to poop properly.,i get you o the zofran was on the zofran pump until 33 or so about a whiny hiney!!!!

  23. says

    Holy crap (!). Ow. This is just so wrong. There has to be a better way to bear children. I can’t believe people do this willingly. Hope everything works out OK down there.

  24. says

    Bless your heart. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this twice, but your storytelling is epic levels of awesome, and the comments are worth reading all the way thru including your responses!!

  25. says

    Good Lord. I feel truly blessed that I wasn’t subjected to this particular form of body betrayal. I’m knocking on wood while I type this because I’m hoping number two will come along in the next year or so, and I don’t want to jinx myself. My mom had terrible varicose veins that she kindly passed on to a small section of my leg, and I’ve always been afraid those weak veins will make their way to a less forgiving area. Safe so far (fingers crossed).

    Hope your recovery is going OK now.

  26. says

    Oh can I relate to this one…my ass has never been the same since having my boys. Pushing out almost 10 lbs each time, no wonder. You know it’s bad when the nurse comes to do the “check up” and you barely have to turn over before they say “Oh you poor thing”. Yeah….no one ever wants to hear that.

  27. says

    Gosh, I’m just so excited to have kids! haha Sorry you had some…err…issues. Now I have to go apologize to my mother for all the things I’ve ruined for her lol

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