Welcome to Show & Tell! This is a special series I decided to host after discovering that many bloggers have stories to tell that can’t be told on their own blogs.
For details on how you can be an Anonymous Guest Blogger here, or to read more stories, check out the Show & Tell page.
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Motherhood changes a lot more than just the amount of sleep we don’t get. It changes our home lives, marriages and, as today’s Anonymous Guest Blogger writes about below, our social calendars. When I read her submission, I nodded a resounding “Been there, girlfriend”.
Have you?
The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Mums
Call me crazy, but I’m one of those people who like to spend time with my friends. I have a beautiful family who I love spending time with, but I have discovered that there is something great about being able to share parental angst with other mums.
But actually catching up with other mums is a lot harder than it seems.
I work 4 days a week and I usually spend the weekends with family (meaning trips to the grandparents, uncles and aunts), so that leaves me one day a week to catch up with friends.
I try and I try but for some reason I’m lucky if I get to see anyone on that day. I arrange play dates and coffee dates and about half are cancelled and of those that aren’t about half of those are late.
One day, sick of pinning my hopes on just one person at time, I decided to arrange a few ladies and their kids to come over for a group coffee/playdate on my “day off”. Four of my friends, said that yes, they would come. I figured that even if half of them cancelled, I’d still have a few friends to spend time with.
I was wrong.
On the day, I told my kids that their friends were coming over to play. I cooked a fresh batch of cookies and was looking forward to spending some time with my friends. But then, one by one they cancelled. The last cancellation was half an hour after they were supposed to come over. The kids and I ended up sitting in the lounge room watching The Wiggles so I didn’t have to listen to my son ask where his friends were.
Last year 10 people who said they would come to my son’s birthday party didn’t show up. Fortunately he was a 2 year old on a sugar high and didn’t realise that a third of the guests didn’t arrive, and the people who did were mostly family.
I know other mums are busy too. I know kids can ruin the best laid plans (I have two of them). I know other mums have things in their lives outside of me. But seriously, I make the time and effort to see you, the least you could do is arrive roughly on time, or at all. I can forgive the occasional lateness, I mean who hasn’t had their toddler tip an entire bottle of water over their head just when you’re about to leave? I understand, I really do. But honestly. I’m tired of understanding.
So please, the next time you cancel a play date because you are having a hard day, spare a thought for the person you are cancelling on, because maybe they are having a hard day too.
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Comments are always welcome.
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Aw, that stinks!! What a good reminder to do what you say you are going to do! And what a GREAT idea to let people anonymously post!!
That does suck. It amazes me how often people cancel nowadays. I know stuff comes up…but come on, people. When’s your next day off? I should come visit. Wait…where do you live again? Is it even within driving distance?
Having sat alone at restaurant at a table of 5 with only 1 person showing up 30 minutes late, I have very little patience for this kind of behavior. This drives me absolutely nuts!! I could go on and on about it. My good friends know this is one of my pet peeves, so they better 1) tell me more than 20 minutes before the outing that they can’t come or 2) actually be in some ER somewhere…or else we won’t be friends for too long.
I would never cancel on you, b, even if I needed to go to the ER….you scare me.
Huh. I find this very odd. My mom friends almost never cancel. Sound to me like you need some more dependable friends. Because you’re right – it’s just rude to cancel at the last minute. A kid with a fever is one thing, but if they’re cancelling because they had a bad night with a kid or didn’t get to shower or it’s raining out … come ON! I find getting through the day after a bad night or morning is MUCH easier when I go to a friend’s house and share the misery!
This is maddening! I am sure other people with kids must want the play date as much as you do; I agree with above – maybe time for a new set of friends!
Time after time I swear I won’t ever again put the effort and energy into preparing for whatever playdate or party or event that’s supposed to happen because only a couple have shown up. If that. I wish I could count on my friends.
Bummer! I hate it when people are inconsiderate like this. I’m surprised they aren’t yearning for adult contact like you are and aren’t desperate to get out of the house. I would be!
That is just so wrong!
All that work, and excited kids, and everyone cancelled. I would have been really really mad.
I’m so glad so many people are here commenting on this. I had a very frustrating period of time when I had my newborn & 2yo, we were living in an apartment that was for sale. People started dropping from our life left & right when they discovered we would be moving about 30 minute away at some point in the next year. Stopped responding to my invitations to play/come over/get together at night kidless. Or would cancel last minute or no-show. It was really hurtful.
In my circle of friends now, if someone is a no-show, you KNOW something has gone wrong and I likely have a message on my phone with an apology and I ‘can i just tell you later?’ because whatever made them cancel is bigger than a exhausting day.
You deserve better than the treatment you’re getting, Anonymous Guest Blogger!
People are just plain rude these days…..it is so annoying
Agreed. Trying to get people to RSVP to weddings, parties, birthday celebrations? Sheer torture. A piece of my soul dies every time a day passes post-RSVP date that i still don’t have my final headcount.
So, does anyone think I’ll have anyone show up to my daughter’s first birthday next week? Ah well, screw it, the cake will be awesome no matter who sees it!
Next time? Send an open invitation to all of us. We’d be there in a flash! (especially since there will be cake)
I hope that just by getting this all ‘out there’ into the world, things settle for you in this area and you get surrounded by people you can depend on. Happy birthday to your daughter, and good luck!
(Oh, and come back anytime!)
I TOTALLY understand!! My husband and I lived across the country from our family and friends when our daughter was born. I managed to make a nice handful of friends and when she turned one…I had a great birthday party planned…Let’s just say my husband and I were stuck eating PLATTERS AND PLATTERS of catered food when only 5 people showed up. How embarrassing and heartbreaking. I think I’m scarred from making her 2nd birthday party this year. Maybe we’ll order some pizzas and watch Barney!!
I went through a very frustrating period where this type of stuff kept happening to me. I came to realize that the people who consistently flaked on me clearly didn’t care much about me. I decided to put it to the test: I would not call, text or email them at all for any kind of get together, and I’d wait and see if they reached out to me. They didn’t. It sucked, totally hurt my feelings and bruised my ego. But in the end I learned that they weren’t really my friends. It’s hard to make friends as an adult, but it’s good to recognize who is worth the effort. Anonymous Blogger, I hope you meet some better friends! I know how awful it is when you tell your kids friends are coming and they don’t show.
It sucks when you realize you’re trying to surround yourself with people who don’t really care. But there’s so many people out there who potentially could. I look at the friends I’ve made since moving away from the condo, and I 100% have it better now. Those who stuck with me during the move are the ones who care. And the new friends I made? Golden.
I almost forgot how sad i was back then, but all these comments are bringing it back…
friends/people come to my once a year party, but the thing that depresses me and makes me sad, is that i rarely see reciprocation. people say (and have been saying it for years), ‘oh we’ll have you over. we should get together.’ but it’s just words. it really hurts when you ‘hear’ about get-to-gethers that you weren’t invited to, or were overlooked, i guess. i don’t think i’m a boring, bad person, but i’ve really come to doubt myself. and i’ve tried to make new friends. but honestly, i guess i don’t click with other people. it makes me worry for my daughter who is an only child. am i going to pass on my socially inadequate genes to her? i don’t want her to ever be lonely and sad. it sucks.
I think this could be many different things. Some people just aren’t ‘hosts’, don’t like having big things. Some people just get busy and never follow through. Some get-togethers that happen without you could just be last-minute things, like converging neighbors, or a visiting friend/relative who wants you to invite (only) your friend X to dinner one night.
Or you could be in a circle of friends that aren’t into the same things as you.
Your daughter will be fine, as long as she knows not to give up trying to surround yourself with the friendships you deserve.
Oh wow this brought back a memory – two years ago my husband and I threw the biggest shindig (or what was SUPPOSED to be the biggest shindig) we had ever attempted. We borrowed 35 extra chairs from our church, even. We purchased lovely party food and brought in a guest speaker from out of state. We had candles, tablecloths, a spotless house and party favors. We had a guest list of well over 50 CONFIRMED (yes you read that right) guests.
(Fast forward to about 30 minutes after the party was supposed to begin): So far only six people had arrived… INCLUDING our guest speaker. We had him go ahead and start, because everyone we called said they were on their way or had something get in their way.. but still they hadn’t shown. And they never did.
The speaker, usually very funny (we had been to gatherings with him before and just loved him,) picked up on the general mood and said, “Thank you to those of Doug and Eden’s friends who respected them enough to join us tonight.” I didn’t know whether to hug him or burst into tears. It was absolutely devastating. Needless to say, we are verrry careful not to invite anyone but ONE couple over at a time now. That way, if they cancel it doesn’t hurt so much.
Fifty freakin’ people, folks! Yeah. And we don’t even smell bad. … I think?
Sorry, but that totally sucks!
This is the story of my life…. I hate it. My sons first birthday had about 2 dozen people invited and confirmed that they would at least drop by and the only reason we ended up with about 8 people (an hour late though!) was because the 4 people who actually showed up brought their kids or a friend. One friend was nice enough to bring by a card for him even though she couldnt stay since her daughter got sick all over herself on the way over… I dont think she really grasped how much I appreciated that.
Otherwise I see my “friends” doing all these fun dinners and outings through their pictures on facebook but it always hurts that I wasn’t invited. EVER. Like a previous poster said there are always the “lets get together sometime or we should do this” but no one ever follows through. I’ve started to delete these people on my FB account just because its so hurtful to see it all the time…
Ugh, I am so frustrated for you! Sounds like you need a Friend Cleanse. Trust me, there absolutely are better people out there. I hope you find them soon.