Dear Children of Mine, it seems that you and I are having a communication skills breakdown.
At some point recently, you have lost your Mom Decoder Ring. I thought you would have had it memorized by now, but I guess you were too busy drawing on the dining room walls and building Lego towers I can never ever move, to allow any time to a more reasonable task such as remembering not to annoy the bejeezus outta me or work on your listening skills.
This aesthetically-pleasing tower took ages to build, and NO ONE can go anywhere NEAR it. Poor Peppa Pig is holding the precarious structure from falling over. It just stresses me out.
So please, sit down and let me run through the list one more time.
Seriously. Sit. Down. I said SIT!
Anyway.
When I say “Uh-huh” or “Mmm-Hm” that means I am not actually listening to you. It means you have been blathering on too long and I have something more important to pay attention to, such as not crashing the car I’m driving during a constant stream of distracting noise.
When I respond to you with a “Wow, really?” or “Is that so?” that means I have no frigging clue as to what you actually just said. Whether it was pure nonsense, a new language you just made up, or just the byproduct of having a squeaky alien-chicken voice, I’m not too interested in finding out more, so I just throw this out at you to make you think I am thrilled with the (unintelligible) piece of information you just revealed to me.
If the sun is getting lower in the sky at the same rate my voice is getting higher-pitched? That means I am somewhere in my 10th-14th consecutive hour that day of having you all up in my grill, and I am quickly losing my patience. Do not annoy me when this happens, because it can mean the difference between a happy bedtime when we get to read fun stories with giggly airplane rides on my feet, and my speed-reading the shortest book within reach to you both at once while tossing your asses under the covers before you know what happened.
If I am ignoring you? I am trying not to yell at you. Embrace the ignoring as the best option in that moment, and back away slowly.
If I don’t laugh at your knock-knock jokes, that is because they are not funny. They don’t even make sense. I don’t have high expectations of you yet on this front since you’re only 4 & 6 years old, but if you’re looking for laughs outta me then learn some good jokes. There must be some kid on the playground with a couple funny ones he can teach you.
When I say “Are you sure about that?” it means you are either wrong or delusional. Rethink your statement or behavior that caused me to respond in this manner, and get back to me with the exact opposite.
When my shoulders are not by my ears, my voice is calm, there is a smile on my face and my fists aren’t clenched around a large glass of Zinfandel, then I am in a good mood. Whatever you’re doing to get me there, keep doing it. This is what we call a Win-Win Situation.
I think that about covers it for now. So let’s all get back to understanding each other a little more, so this house can stay a happy one.
Otherwise, it’s gonna be one helluva long summer.
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I am laughing so hard right now. I tweeted this because we all can relate.
Thank you for sharing it!!
I may just print this out and stick it on the fridge.
Hmmm…maybe I’ll hang it next to my House rules….
Now you got me thinking!
Hilarious. “Oh really?” Yes I have not a clue.
Thing is, my husband and I laugh when we hear our kids on speakerphone with his mom because she can’t understand a THING they say. The whole conversation goes like this:
MIL: What did you do at school today?
Kid: (mumblenonsensesqueak)
MIL: Ohhhh….really???
And then we start giggling.
Thank you, I really needed this this morning! (comment written as I sit and stare at a lego tower that cannot be moved, ever.)
I tried to vacuum near this one, and i thought my daughter was going to pop an eye out she screamed so loudly. Crikees, kid. Calm yourself.
“When I say “Are you sure about that?” it means you are either wrong or delusional. ”
Oh hell, this is soooo true. LOL
I say this about 2,000x a day. God help me.
I’m holding a family meeting tonight to read this to my own alien- chicken voiced mini people. Hilarious!
You’re welcome.
You have just summarized my life! I just forwarded this to my husband who travels every week so he has some idea of what goes on in the house. Thank you!!!
Oh boy, let me know what he thinks!
Omg! Too funny! I do some of these exact things when my 2nd grade students are no longer making sense…especially now at the end of the year! I love the “When I say “Are you sure about that?” it means you are either wrong or delusional. Rethink your statement or behavior that caused me to respond in this manner, and get back to me with the exact opposite.” This was a great post!
Thanks so much! I have seen the “Mmm-hmmmm…” thing in action by other moms, so I knew I wasn’t alone in this one.
A must-read for the kiddos. Wait until your LEGO artist gets older, their skill increases exponentially with age. The number of extremely complicated and unstable LEGO structures around here is all kinds of stressful, especially with a 19-month-old toddling around.
Oh boy. My 6yo(tomorrow) builds these intricate Star Wars fighter jets and things out of the tiny Legos, and expects his 4yo sister not to tear them apart like a tiny white Godzilla when she’s pissed off at him. This does not go over well AT ALL.
It seems we do!
Fantastically funny. I totally hear you on the “Unintelligible” WOW’S!! Haha. That made me giggle. I think everytime I’m around a kid who can talk (My son can’t yet) I’m doing this one. =)
It totally works. Just wait til your can talk, you’ll be Mmm-Hmm-ing with the rest of us.
Just saved me a whole post with this:
“That means I am somewhere in my 10th-14th consecutive hour that day of having you all up in my grill, and I am quickly losing my patience. Do not annoy me when this happens, because it can mean the difference between a happy bedtime when we get to read fun stories with giggly airplane rides on my feet, and my speed-reading the shortest book within reach to you both at once while tossing your asses under the covers before you know what happened.”
The fact that you don’t yell on the ass-tossing evenings means you are a much much much much much better person than I am. The fact that they let you choose the book and tolerate speed reading and short books means they need to talk with mine, who have lengthy rules about what they’ll tolerate and how I have to toe the line to avoid terrible bedtime tantrums. {sigh}
I do yell at bedtime (or at least am so close to it that the strain is my voice is palpable) and it bugs me soooo much. I’m just exhausted and they (ok, SHE) simply Does. Not. Listen. Why all the running around? Why the throwing of things? Why the interrupting my reading to your brother Every. Five. Seconds? ARRRRGH.
Thanks for making me smile on a day when I’m having THAT DAY times a thousand! Sometimes we fool ourselves into believing we are the only one who has children who do these things. Nice, although frustrating, reminder I am not alone!
I have been ready to put my kids to bed today since 3:15pm, and have been checking the clock every 4 minutes since. Argh.
Happy to let you know you’re not alone….
HA! Love this. I want to give this to my mom…I have a feeling she used these tactics a lot while I was growing up.
It may be too late to pop a copy of this into her Mother’s Day Card, but she may still appreciate it.
Best. Post. Ever!
(Can you tell I’ve been watching Tangled too much?)
I was giggling while reading this, fingers slowly uncurling from my big ol’ glass of wine that I was hanging onto for dear life. Because apparently my kids lost their Mom Decoder Ring too.
Whenever I read that phrase now? It is only Mandy Moore’s voice I hear. I mean, Rapunzel’s.
We need to make duplicate copies of our Decoder Rings. These kids are too irresponsible to keep track of the originals.
Another awesome, hilarious post. So glad you link up to finding the funny!
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Thanks, Anna!
So true! Particularly the “wow, really”…I use that too! Stopping over from Finding the Funny.
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One must brush off the children as nicely as possible….
thanks for coming by!
Oh, my freakin’ hell! I wasn’t sure whether to LAUGH or to look around and see if you have a CAMERA hidden somewhere in MY house! Though I am a great grandmother now (NOT a GREAT grandmother – I mean my GRANDKIDS have kids) I seriously recall telling my 1 daughter (after 23 hours of being ‘Mooooooomyyyyy’!) “Go to your room, please! NOW! Sleep, play, suck on your TOES. As long as I don’t see, hear, or SMELL you for at least two hours, we’re good.” These days, I use that SAME ‘request’ when I can’t handle one. more. second. of my 71 year old housemate asking me things such as, “Hey, Kai! Where do we keep the milk?” (We are ABOUT to keep it up your a**!) I LOVED your post! And I’ll SO be a regular visitor!
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peek-a-boo! I’m hiding in your closet….
So funny, these things can apply to little skids or 71yo ladies.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes to every single one of these things! I can relate to them all, but the one about unfunny jokes struck a particular chord with me today, because my kids are on a joke kick this week. And by “joke” I mean “string of words they put together that mean absolutely nothing but will result in a crestfallen look if I don’t laugh.” Sigh.
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Thankfully my kids have mostly given up on telling jokes. They went through a joke stage for months last summer, and it was PAINFUL.
I just love how you tell them to “learn some funny jokes”. Brings back memories of when mine were little. Funny!
OMG, those two need some new material. I can only hear that orange/orange who knock-knock joke one million times, and then it gets a little old.
Ha! You made me feel better about skipping pages when I read my 3 y/o a book!
Anything to help you out, dear…
You’re amazing – as usual! You were one of the top 5 most clicked links at #findingthefunny (again!) We’ll be featuring you on Wednesday – and I pinned this to our Finding the Funny Pinterest board. Thanks!
Fun! Thanks so much.
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This is halarious and So True!!! I am going to put a link to this on my blog. Every mother should read this! I love it when Mom’s speak the truth. Thanks so much for the laugh.
Thanks, Courtney! I’d love it if you shared this with a link back here. Much appreciated! Enjoy the show…
Rethink your statement or behavior that caused me to respond in this manner, and get back to me with the exact opposite.
@LMBO !!! that’s so funny.
Why have I experienced this too? I think you need to write a mother’s dictionary.
Oh, the things I say without saying them outright….
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