This is a conversation my husband and I have pretty much every single day:
HUSBAND: Babe, did you just say…
ME: Yes. Yes, I did.
HUSBAND: (Shakes head) Oh.
I’ve read a lot of books. I’ve seen a lot of movies. Much, much dialogue has passed through my eyes and ears. But I am still surprised at the things that come out of my mouth as a parent.
I’m also surprised with the frequency of such commentary, and the casual tone it tends to have these days, now that I am so used to the need to say this sort of stuff.
Things I Have Actually Said To My Kids This Week*:
Nobody’s throwing anybody out the window.
Get your butt out of her face. NOW. And don’t say “butt”.
Are you calling my name or roaring like a dinosaur?
Rinse and spit in the SINK. NOT the floor.
We can’t always be naked.
Please don’t brush your hair with the fork, there’s egg on it.
We can’t keep the worm as a pet. Because I said so. No. No. No. No. No. I SAID NO.
Get that glue OUT of your MOUTH.
I am not in control of the seasons.
Please make sure everyone gets a chance to play with the fire salad.
*Yes, just this week. And this is only a sampling. Oh boy.
Our compromise? Keeping a dead worm at the bottom of the soil under a potted plant. Delicious.
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oh dear.
Hahahaa you have me in stitches (and realizing that we have had a few of those lines in *this* house too!!!
It’s nice to know other parents are out there shaking their heads!
Hehehe
What’s a fire salad?????
Ok. So. Fire Salad.
We were at the playground with friends last week, and the kids were pulling weeds from by the fence to make a pile under the slide.
Some kids called it a “campfire”. Others called it a “salad”.
Arguements began, so I told everyone it was a “Fire Salad” which magically was immediately agreed with. (No, I have never said that phrase before that very moment)
Good ones. I’m also constantly struck by the things I say. I once said: “It’s time to stop eating carrots and have some pizza.” Who knew that would be an issue, like ever?
Yes. I have to tell Miss A “Put the fresh fruit aside and PLEASE eat your chicken tenders”. Weirdness, I tell you. Weirdness.
“Please don’t brush your hair with the fork, there’s egg on it.”—Did they recently watch The Little Mermaid?
No! Never! She just thought it made sense to spontaneously brush her hair with her eating utensil mid-breakfast.
My contribution: “Why are you squatting in the corner? Are you peeing? DoNOTpeeinthecornersohelpmeGod! Nonono! What are you–. Where’s a washrag?”
Lol! Though, I didn’t laugh when Mr T did this constantly throughout the 18-month potty training process. Oh boy. “Do NOT POOP on the FLOOR!!” came out quite a bit then.
Mine in this vein, just this morning: “No, I am not your potty. If you pee on me, I will be very upset!” She didn’t. thank goodness.
I can’t STAND being peed on. I mean, really, WHY must this ever happen?
I have a similar post, too. I think all moms are shocked and dismayed by the things that come out of our mouths.
One that comes to mind is “Stop rubbing pizza on your feet.”
There’s never a shortage of blog topics with kids around.
Ummmm…..dude. That’s weird. Was there a particular reason for the pizza rubbing?
Hm. Come to think of it, my son absent-mindedly rubs things on his foot, too. Like snacks. And Miss A likes to put things like Goldfish crackers between her toes.
No reason other than she is 18 months old. Whew, she is way worse than the other four were. I’m sure I’ll be saying tons of interesting things to her over the years.
Got such a great laugh out of this post this morning – thank you : )!
Such is my life! Happy to amuse…
AWESOME! But what the hay is fire salad?
I *just* answered this one above in more detail, but basically it is a pile of weeds mixed in with old dried leaves under a playground slide and stirred with sticks.
Obviously.
We have a rule in our house – “No dinner until you put your panties back on”. WTF? Why is this even an issue?
We enforce that one as well!
We do too!
Oh boy, I almost spit out my Coke on that second one! Then I laughed for a full minute reading the rest. After a 30 minute standoff over the potty this morning with 3.9-year-old Peasy, and a generally grumpy morning thereafter, I needed that. Thanks!
Happy to help!
My son wasn’t PT’d fully until he was 4yrs 2.5mo. It was a NIGHTMARE. I feel your pain. Unfortunately.
“Do you want boo-boos on your bum-bum? DO YOU?”
I utter this at least twice a day to my 2yo Sophie. She would rather sit in a dirty diaper for hours than stop doing what she’s doing. I have to convince her she’ll get a wretched diaper rash unless she lets me change her diaper this very instant. Which means potty training is going to be a TOTAL nightmare. *sigh*
Oh, man, Mr T was like this. He would prefer to sit in poo for 10 hours than admit he needs to stop playing for the 43 seconds it takes to change a diaper. Oy.
The bad part of this is I have said similar things this week too! Haha! So funny when you hear/read someone else saying these things, even if its not funny at the time!
I find these things leave my mouth before I even know what I’m saying, despite the fact that I really do think about what I normally say! Oh boy. Frickin’ kids. They make US weird.
The fire salad quote has me the most curious!
Visiting from TRDC… funny post!
Ha! I answered this one up near one of the first comments, but basically a “fire salad” is a pile of weeds mixed in with old dried leaves under a playground slide and stirred with sticks.
Thanks for coming by!
Ok I am extremely curious as to what the last one is and why everyone wanted to play with it. It’s funny the things you say as a parent that even in your wildest imaginations you could not have imagined would one day leave your mouth.
Stopping by from TRDC
Ok, I explained the fire salad in more detail above. Let’s just say it came out of my mouth without any thought!
Thanks for coming by.
I am glad I’m not alone, having to explain to my 5 yr old why it’s not acceptable to put her poopy bathing suit into the tub was a treat, yes it was wet but it’s not clean….took way to long to explain the obvious.
Or why it’s not acceptable to put your poopy anything anywhere but in a toilet. Why does this need explaining?!
Absolutely precious. I told another mom here today, you ladies will be so happy you have all these blogs later. I am envious I didn’t write as a young mother. Now they are all grown, and I have only my mind to depend on.
Absolutely agree – it is great to have a place to write the crazy down.
This surprises me not at all. We should compare notes. I think I’ve said half these things this last week too.
There is likely some universal checklist of things to say to children, and we’re all just plugging along the list without realizing everyone else is saying the same insane stuff….
i know what you mean. and the word butt comes out of my mouth far more since having a boy than it ever did when I had 3 girls!!
“Toilet” and “butt” are basically the funniest things in the world to my kids. Weirdos.
HA! “We can’t always be naked.” But why, mom?!?
I always love these posts…glad to have the chance to read the original one. Thanks for linking up!
I had so many I wanted to share, but this seemed most appropriate. It kind of started it all, and people seem to really take to the series. I’m so lucky i have insane kids who force me to say these things. (Um. I think.)
My favorite is the butt one. Although, I don’t think butt would make it onto a bad word list for me, but I have a mouth like a sewer.
I went to a neighborhood baby shower a few years ago and I believe I was the only one in attendance without kids. The other attendees started talking about how hard it was to get kids not to use inappropriate language these days and my mind immediately went to actual curse words, but the big example of an offensive word was “butt.” I guess it wouldn’t be a very attractive word to hear coming out of a little kid’s mouth, but the discussion gave me an overpowering urge to say “butt.”
You may now use “butt” with abandon.
(that sounded a bit different in context than when I began typing it…but I think you know what I mean…or, at least I hope you do.)
Butt.
Hee hee.