Twice a month, a lovely lady comes to my home.
When the doorbell rings, my husband hides his face with shame. My kids scurry around to make sure no rogue Legos are scattered on the Family Room rug. I thank my lucky stars and bolt for the door.
I let my Cleaning Lady in, and she politely greets me, keeping me at arm’s length away.
Not because she doesn’t like me. Oh, no. It is worse than that.
She keeps her distance because she’s worried I will passionately pounce on her. I can feel the lustful look in my eye. I am so grateful for this woman who scrubs our toilets and chases our dust bunnies, that I get an insatiable urge to wrap my arms around her and never let go.
This must be a fright to deal with so early on a Wednesday morning. But it is her job to deal with incompetent nutjobs like me. People who suck at cleaning and need people like wonderful, beautiful her in their lives.
I’ve heard the chatter about how Snooty Patooty it seems to have a cleaning lady. How, if one is a Stay At Home Mom, there is no good enough rationalization for having a Cleaning Lady.
Well. I am no Snooty Patooty. I am, as stated above, an incompetent nutjob. And I know how to rationalize.
How I Knew I Needed To Hire A Cleaning Lady
1. I know what I am good at:
a. Sarcasm
b. Lifting heavy objects
c. Drawing flowers/rainbows
I also know what I am bad at:
a. Controlling my kids’ messes
b. Talking my husband into being a tidier person
c. Being solely in charge of the cleanliness of any place that one would want to eat in.
If you are bad at something, it is okay to ask for help. It is also okay to throw yourself around someone’s ankles and beg them for mercy while yanking cash from your pockets.
2. When given the choice of staying at the playground with the sandbox a few minutes longer, thus rushing bedtime once we get home, or leaving early so I have time to vacuum before bed, I choose the lazier first option.
Welcome to my home! Don't mind the beach I keep by the front door...
3. When you need a shovel to access your wine glasses, it qualifies as an actual State of Emergency.*
Would you like a glass of wine with your chips/camera box/coffee/old video monitor/phone chargers/unread mail/napkins/chip clip/cashews?
* I asked on Facebook & Twitter whether anyone else had a counter like this, and the answer was a resounding “Yes”. Apparently slovenly loves company.
4. I am all for Creative Play. Creative Play often includes itty bitty teenie weanie toy pieces that are a pain in the ass to reorganize when you have fingers larger than those of a wee child. So due to my Man Hands in my house, the itty bitty teenie weanie toy pieces stay where they fall (as long as they are hidden in the basement).
Littlest Pet Shop critters, Disney Princesses, Squinkies, & Little People in their very own version of Desperate Housewives.
5. When the random/gross shit your kid decides she “must have” displayed all your home disappears, you can blame the Cleaning Lady. By the time she returns, your kid will have forgotten about that vase of pollen she kept by the dirty dishes.
I love when my kid puts dying dandelions all over my home. Don't you?
6. Having kids and trying to keep a home clean is a losing battle when your field of vision is much, much higher than their slippery little ink-covered hands are.
Blue ink smears at knee-level? Who knows how long they've been there?! Not me, I'm tall.
7. When it generally takes you a week to get around to folding laundry that is sitting atop a folding banquet table that has the last holiday’s decor bin shoved underneath it which should have been brought up to the attic a month ago, you clearly need some professional help.
Unfolded laundry? Easter decor? Bins to organize toys? Procrastination? Check! Check! Check! Check!
8. If all you need to do to afford a Cleaning Lady is stop the daily Starbucks trips during which you go for just a tall skim vanilla latte, but end up with said latte plus a sandwich and dessert little sweet treat that is making your belly jiggle not unlike a while bearded dude who travels via sleigh, there’s no hard decision to be made. A clean home and less cellulite? Win-win.
9. I find that having someone who actually listens to me visit the house twice a month is kind of delightful. Even if I have to pay her to listen.
10. I’m much less likely to murder my husband in his sleep for being so messy when I have a cleaning lady.
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It should be obvious from my blog title but I think we’re kindred spirits. Except we still haven’t hired a cleaning lady yet. Obviously we should.
LOL! Love the title. I think you Tweeted me your card at BBCBos, but we really didn’t get to talk.
Having a cleaning lady helps my sanity & my marriage, I swear. When I did the math, I was willing to ditch the Starbucks in a heartbeat!
We should definitely be friends. Especially since I hear raves from @momagement and @motherhoodwtf… I will see you around the interwebs!
Lol! I’m glad I’m not the only one with a house filled with dead dandelions….and sadly I had to lay off my cleaning lady, so I have to just live like this or clean myself…..:(
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Can’t you sell an organ or something?
The CDC would come knocking on my door if they heard we laid off the cleaning lady….I wish you much luck and a windfall of cleaning lady cash.
Lol, thanks!
I never thought about my monthly Starbucks bill going to a cleaning lady. You are opening my eyes to the possibilities here. Someone to come in, vacuum, change the sheets, scrub the toilets, and mop the floors–and all I have to do is give up a so-so latte? You are a genius.
For me it comes to about $8 a day, if I have her come every other week. So I use my Keurig for coffee (about 20-50 cents per cup, depending on where you buy the pods), rather than the $4 per latte I was buying. If I don’t enter a Starbucks for coffee, I’m not going in for just a $5 sandwich or $2-4 snack unless I’m absolutely starving or the lunch alternatives near it are more expensive.
Done. Budget approved. I am a genious.
What is it with you? I sit down expecting a nice quiet read and here I am laughing so much I spit out my lemon squash! I’m with you on the cleaning lady, well rationalised. Thank you for making my afternoon
Don’t waste your lemon squash! That stuff is delish. Mmmm…
Though, now with squash all over the place, dontcha wish you had a cleaning lady?
It was my therapist who first demanded an increase in cleaning lady frequency…well said!
Therapists are brilliant. Especially when they insist on hiring help with dirty stuff. Hellsyeah!
I work two days a week, and life has improved much since having a cleaning service come weekly. I actually do things with my kids instead of cleaning. The entertainment value of seeing Windex puddles on the floor by the glass sliding doors I put my young daughter in charge of “cleaning” wears off rather quickly. My husband is delusional and thinks I don’t clean at all anymore. I have two kids under five. If he only knew….
I am CONSTANTLY still cleaning because of the 3 Messy Marvins I live with, but at least I know my cleaning lady’s got my back.
Whenever I hear someone pose the question ‘What would you do with a million dollars/winning lottery ticket’ my first thought is always: ‘twice-a-week cleaning lady’. Oh yeaaaaaahhhh.
How did you get in my house?????
I had a cleaning lady once. She didn’t come back.
Did she run away screaming? Or did she sneak out?
Le sigh. I miss my cleaning lady…. Her salary has been transferred to the grass mower for the spring and summer.
Can’t you give up feeding Keifer or something like that? Cleaning ladies are da bomb.
I am so jealous! My house is awful. It’s an embarrassment. If a friend or neighbor popped in unexpectedly, I would hide and pretend not to be home rather than open my door and reveal my literal dirty little secret. I have not been able to convince T to part with the $ for a cleaning lady. I am now 8 days before my MIL visit and I’m expected to get this place into MIL shape by my self. Without adopting the kids out first.
You can always sell something – anything! – to get the extra cash. Kids’ old clothes, your old jewelry, etc. Pay someone do do one big scrub-down to prepare the house. Ugh.
My friends are aware of how slovenly I am. But they keep coming back, so I guess I now only hang with people willing to take the bad (messy! gross! low standards!) with the good (I make a mean cookie! I’m always willing to go out! I keep secrets!).
Have you been sneaking into my house again? Several of these pictures look eerily familiar. And yes, I have a cleaning lady, too.
Caught me!
I’m glad to see someone else with dead dandelions everywhere. I am now also thinking I should hire myself a cleaning lady I’m home all day too and still find myself struggling to keep anything clean
Even if it is not ‘enough’, at least it is something! Knowing my cleaning lady’s got my back is such a relief.
Won’t you be . . . My neighbor? We live the same every-other Wednsday routine. I would divorce sooner than give up my cleaning ladies.
Seriously: why are we not neighbors? When is your husband getting transferred to NJ???
If I didn’t have a cleaning lady, I WOULD be divorced.
Good for you! We would not survive without our “wife” (see http://myconvertiblelife.blogspot.com/2010/08/hiring-wife.html). And I’ve decided there’s nothing snooty about helping someone else find employment. Think of this as your personal economic stimulus package.
Hm. I only have a cleaning lady. I so need a wife.
Especially one who makes LGM cookies.
I have been torn between a) pay babysitter so I can clean b) work extra shifts to afford cleaning lady. So far I just remain in lazy, dirty mode.
There must be something you can sell, or somewhere you can cut back? Even if it is a once-a-month cleaning lady? They are fantabulistic.
That’s it. I’m blogging this. Because your kitchen counter looks exactly like mine. Except that I pushed the cashews over a bit to cram in a couple of pens I can’t find a place for…
I KNEW we had more in common than originally met the eye…
.
I forgot to put up the picture of our family room, complete with a peppering of plastic toys, unrolled yoga mat with rogue pair of Transformers underwear on it, and Lego soup.
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*sigh* I wish I had a cleaning lady, but she’d probably die attempting to remove the caked on pile of cereal that lives under my son’s chair.
We have had some close calls with her heart being unable to take the vigor needed to scrape unidentifiable crusties off the couch, but I’m trained in CPR and First Aid.
OMG. I love this! I live alone, no kids, and I know the guilt you feel when “others” wonder why you need a cleaning lady.
I don’t indulge myself nearly enough, but I’m sure my friends just think I am a lazy slug. But, I just can’t get it clean like
I should. You have made my day! I feel no guilt anymore. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
I do what I can to offer services of Guilt Erasing to the general public. You are quite welcome.
I’d love to have someone once a month, but I’m also the sort of person who would go through my house and thoroughly clean it before I had someone come in – I know - crazy!!
I so get picking up toys so the cleaning person can get to the filth, but I know so many people who actually CLEAN first. You peeps are bananas! lol