This one’s for the fellas.
So ladies, just pass the laptop/iPad/phone over to your husbands now. You’ll thank me later.
I hear you want to get laid.
Let me clarify: in between watching college hoops games and working on your brackets, I hear you want to get either some celebratory action or consolation action (depending on how things are going with said brackets).
I understand you’ve very busy talking about basketball, watching basketball, dissecting the basketball games you just watched then talking about planning on watching more basketball, but if I could guarantee a way for you to get a little wink-wink time with the wife with an investment of only an average of 10 minutes a day, would you be interested?
I thought so.
Now, why would I be so generous as to give this unsolicited advice? Well, I just hate to see yet another season of March Madness full of disgruntled wives and lonely husbands barely speaking to each other. Spring is in the air, and it would be nice if everyone was getting along.
Besides, I have a lot of girlfriends and read a lot of blogs by married moms, and I’d like to do something other than listen to or read about what basketball-obsessed useless sacks of poo their husbands are between now and mid-April.
If you follow my advice, not only will you be getting a little much-appreciated Somethin’ Somethin’, but the ladies will be pleased enough to (almost) not mind your month of constant hoops-watching.
So we both win.
Now. Let’s get on with this.
If you want your wife to have get nekkid time with you, even though you plan to spend most of March ignoring the crap out of anyone not currently holding a basketball, screaming at the tv, and staring at your iPhone, you need to stick to the following action plan (euphemism intended). First, review the General Rules, then do your Daily Tasks. You’ll be thanking me before The Final Four showdown next month.
1. Remember that foreplay for men is very different than it is for women. For men, it’s usually just the realization that you want to have sex. Done. You’re ready. For women, they need to feel seen and recognized. A little something every day (as outlined below) will make them feel seen. Making a point to take notice of what they like, do, and need help with will make them feel recognized. Really. It’s that simple.
2. I will give you something to do each day of the week. Do it without pointing it out to her. She will notice it was done. If you look like you want her to notice, she will be onto you.
3. Set the DVR for every basketball game you plan to watch. When you know a game is coming on soon, say to your wife, “A game is coming on in an hour, is there anything we need to do before it starts?” Just giving her the ‘countdown’ to know when you will be disappearing is fabuloso. But actually asking if she needs help with anything? Even better. She most likely won’t actually ask you to do anything that takes more than a few minutes, if at all…
4. Continue recording the game while you’re watching it. So when your wife pops into the room with a quick question, you can pause it without missing anything. Don’t huff in exasperation at her idiocy for interrupting the game. Just pause, answer her, make sure she’s walking away before you put it back on. This will ensure you a 15-second interruption that goes smoothly, rather than an argument than can linger on and on and on….
5. If you are kissing her good morning/good-bye/hello, goodnight…keep up the good work, my man! If you aren’t? You’re an idiot. Don’t pounce on her, just a quick hug and kiss is nice. Connect. When you sit next to her, hold her hand (even just for a moment’s squeeze), lay your hand on her knee (if you put it too high up on that thigh, she’ll be onto your naughty intentions). Don’t hang on her like a long-limbed monkey. The kids annoy her with that all day long. And you do not want to remind her of the children. That’s the worst libido killer ever.
And whatever you do: do NOT maul her in her sleep. If she is in bed snoozing happily, do not start dry-humping her with ‘appreciation’ or say something asinine like, “are you awake?” to try to wake her up for sleepy sheet dancing time. Exhausted wives and mothers need their sleep. If you do this and she slips rat poison in your dinner the next day, you only have yourself to blame.
Make sure the coffee pot is set so when she crawls to the kitchen for her Life Blood, it is all brewed and making the kitchen smell like slow-roasted perfection. Bonus points for laying out a clean mug, spoon, and the condiments she takes it with (sugar, etc).
If your wife is not a coffee/tea drinker, then take the weekend to figure out what she needs to get her day started, and prepare that for her late Sunday night so she starts her Monday off a little easier.
When you say goodbye in the morning, casually tell her, “Oh, I meant to tell you last night, but I thought you looked really pretty in that pink thing/great in that new suit/really like that new haircut/always love you in that purple sweater you wore yesterday.” This means you actually have to take note on Monday of what about her looks the nicest, then remember it on Tuesday. Write it down in your phone somewhere, set a reminder on your calendar, email yourself, whatever it takes. Write it down, remember it, casually bring it up the next day.
Look around the house and do one of the following, whichever applies: empty the clean dishes from the dishwasher without asking any help; take the clean & dry clothes from the dryer, fold them, and put them somewhere neatly; make your and the kids beds; before you go to bed, wipe down the kitchen counters and table, making sure there are no dirty dishes there or on the stove top.
– This only counts if the thing you do is something you normally do not do.
– The trick here is to do this without being showy about it. If you can do this when she’s not around, busy somewhere else in the house, or asleep, bonus!
You will come home from work with the desire to say, “This house is always a mess/This room looks like a tornado hit it/These floors are disgusting/Did the kids actually get any food in their mouths today, or is it all under the kitchen table?” because by this point in the week your wife is exhausted and the kids are manic and the house has simply imploded. Don’t say it! Deal with it. Vacuum one entire level of the house. Find the messiest room, and tidy it up. Look for whatever you have done to contribute to the mess (socks and shoes by the couch, coffee cups/soda cans in the office/sweatshirt hanging on the kitchen chair), and fix it.
Text your wife around lunchtime, telling her not to make herself dinner tonight. If you tell her later than that, she will have already planned dinner and she will most likely be at least a little annoyed. Pick up something to eat on the way home, whether it is groceries for her favorite simple dish, dinner take-out from a restaurant, a dessert she loves and a bottle of great wine, or pre-pay for a pizza to be delivered (cover the tip, too). Make sure she knows when to expect you home with the food, or the ETA of the delivery guy.
This may seem silly to you, but if you think a little ahead and follow each of these daily tasks, I guarantee she will be very receptive to a celebratory roll in the hay when you give it a try that weekend.
Call me crazy, but maybe you could even try this plan out once March Madness is over, too.
Sure, you may be getting extra sheet shaking time, which is always lovely.
But you will also have a wife who is getting what she deserves.
No, not you naked (don’t be annoying, I’m trying to help here).
No, not your wondrous sack skills (I said Stop Being Annoying).
The attention and help that she craves but doesn’t know how to ask for. Because it’s the little things that count.
Let me know how it works out for you, boys.
And good luck with your brackets.