1. My kids are assigned to bring Valentines into class. Sounds cute, right? Wrong. If I heard Mr. T tell me one more time how it makes him “so bored and tired” to write his name out on all 15 valentines I’d stick my head in the oven. And ever try to get a 3.5yo obstinate girl with nothing on her mind but hosting tea parties and lemonade stands for all her toys to sit still and write out 10 valentines with the names of all her classmates? Then put her name on all 10 as well? The teacher gave us a week to get this done. I’m hoping it’s finished by Valentine’s Day 2012.
2. Frigging chocolate. Try being allergic to it this time of year. Now try LOVING AND MISSING IT WITH ALL OF YOUR BEING because up until this metabolic intolerance kicked in around age 15, you used to eat it almost every day of your life with a reverence bordering on obsession. Now. Leave your house and try to find someplace – any place! – that isn’t simply teeming with chocolate beauties in every form, begging you to buy them and eat them. Just trying to get though the grocery store without having to dash past aisles of the stuff in pink and red wrappings in order to prevent inhaling too much of it or accidentally touching a rogue truffle on the counter at Starbucks is daily torture.
3. Now imagine your kids are allergic, too, and every where you go there are bins and bowls and displays and racks overflowing with bite-sized candies within easy reach of their fast little hands. Just one nibble could send them projectile vomiting within minutes, followed by spraying violent diarrhea around your car as you dash to the ER. Super duper!
4. The really, really, really stupid jewelry commercials. I want to punch every one of these dolts buying ugly bracelets for the oh-so-surprised women in their lives in the throat. Every kiss does not begin with K. It begins with a box of zinfandel and him bringing home a dinner she doesn’t actually have to cook for once.
5. I have no less than four events coming up that I need my babysitter for. She isn’t available for a single one of them. When is she free? Valentine’s Day. Who the hell is available on Valentine’s Day? How is she begging me to go out with my husband that night, and not around any of the 4 random dates I’ve requested?? Why am I living this babysitting version of Murphy’s Frigging Law??
I swear. If this holiday didn’t at least guarantee me an excuse to stock up on gummy hearts and Red Hots and partake in a couple pink-frosted cupcakes, I’d totally make it my life’s goal to end it.
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