I have a flaw.
Shocking, I know.
But it is something that has had a history of making people misunderstand me. Think ill of me. Wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
My flaw is that I don’t seem excited when I am, in particular when something is big. Like, big-big.
Sure, I never know quite what to say when anyone gives me anything more than a cup of coffee. I blunder through a Thank You like I’ve got marbles in my mouth and am barely able to maintain eye contact.
But my reactions are horrifyingly inadequate when the situation calls for outward displays of excitement, thrill or thankfulness.
Concerts? Everyone around me flails and screams and seems out of control with joy at being there and love of the talents before them. I appear stoic as I close my eyes and move quietly to the music, swimming in the lyrics, the rhythms rather than ogling the talent.
Life-altering news? Girls screech and jump about when they hear about proposals and pregnancies. I apparently seem unimpressed as I offer congratulations, hugs, warm smiles and appropriate questions. But inside I am praying it all goes well, hoping the person is getting what will really make them happy.
I’m just not a freak-out person.
The more excited I am about the news/gift/information, the less excited I appear about it.
I would not be a good fit for an audience member at The Oprah Winfrey Show. Of course I’d clap and laugh and “woo-hoo!” as need be, but I don’t think there is much that would make me fall to my knees or grasp the stranger beside me in weepy exultation.
My poor husband.
His first real experience with this was over a decade ago, when he got a free trip to China through work and invited me to join him. We were newly coupled, and of course I was thrilled. But I think my response underwhelmed him. We were in the first throes of love, realizing we had just teamed up with our Forever Person, so everything was a silent thrill. My problem was (and still is) I’m a little too silently thrilled.
There was no jumping about when he asked me to join him. He didn’t make a big production out of it, I of course accepted it with a big hug. But, that hug wasn’t the freak-out he likely expected.
This week, 10+ years later, I think I let the poor guy down again.
He gave me something for my birthday that I have wanted since I was a kid.
This is big.
After we had my birthday cake, he ushered the kids into the office and they came out with a card hidden behind them. They handed it over as he stood back.
I opened the card and saw what he had planned for me.
I didn’t get off the couch.*
*I regret this. I kick myself about this. I feel like such an a-hole for this.
The kids hugged me, and I joked that “they” were so thoughtful. Then as they crawled onto me, I looked up to Hubby and said Thank you.
I should have done more.
Because I am thrilled. I find it surreal and thoughtful and exciting and touching and am looking forward to this like nothing I’ve looked forward to in years and years. People do not get gifts like this every day. He has, in fact, blown my mind with this gift.
But I am screwed up, with this big stupid Flaw of mine, so I don’t think he gets how excited I am.
You see, I am used to people not really doing much for me.
I’m used to being promised things, offered things, and not having them come to fruition.
I kind of expect to not get things.**
**True story: I had always hoped that one day I’d get married, but I never, ever, ever thought I’d be given an engagement ring and be proposed to in a formal manner. I actually dropped The Ring when he did ask me, then forgot all about it until he said “Uhhh….are you gonna look at the ring I got you?” I just don’t have expectations. I’m a total weirdo.
So I know in that part of me that was so screwed up in my formative years, that this gift, which has a delay to it, could technically speaking go all wrong.
It might not happen. Even though Hubby has every single intention of making it happen.*** Even though I will do my all to ensure it happens.
***Hubby is a planner and a saver, so he wouldn’t give any gift like this without all the financial aspects plotted out, saved for, and more than covered. He is too responsible for anything less than that. Yet…I can’t help myself.
But the part of me that is so used to not getting my hopes up about “stuff”, about things that are any more fancy than every day neccesitites…well, it simply won’t allow me to get all Oprah’s-Audience-Just-Got-New-Cars about it.
He deserves better than this.
My husband deserves better than this!!!
Back when we were in China, we traveled well together. We took pictures and saw sights and tried new things. We had so much fun! I hoped he could tell how appreciative I was once we were there, even though he missed the Real Moment when I was overcome.
We all, as a group, had to get up at The Crack of Ass and get on a bus for a day trip. Everyone was sleeping for that hour ride, since we had a late dinner party the night before.
Something woke me up, and I looked out the window of the tour bus.
Then over the horizon, I saw The Great Wall of China rise before me. Tears streamed from my eyes and I sat in frozen awe and silence as we moved closer and closer to our destination. All I could think was I am about to walk on the 2,000-year-old Great Wall of China. Thank you.
It was surreal.
It still blows my mind to say: I took this photo while standing on The Great Wall of China
And of course, the person who deserved to witness this humble thankfulness was the one completely unconscious on the seat next to me.
I can’t screw this up again.
I need to find a way to show him how appreciative I am. To get past this stupid Flaw. To show my most beloved husband that I am so, so touched that he made this choice in a gift to me. To let him know how lucky I feel. To make him understand that no matter how screwed up I am, I am willing to dig through all that ingrained BS in his honor.
And on top of all that, it seems, I am going to need to learn how to speak a little Italian before getting on the plane alone again with my adoring, all-too-generous and devastatingly handsome husband.
I totally have this Flaw, too. I call it Internal Prozac. Nothing gets me too outwardly screamy happy and nothing really demolishes me with sadness. I think this is what I gave up to make it through disappointing encounters with my dad/being poor/irregular lifestyle for a kid. And I have to say that my hard candy shell has really been useful. But sometimes it is a real bummer … I can feel it … people are waiting for me to WHOOP … sorry. Just can’t do it. I’m happy. I am. Really. I am.
Sorry, I have to laugh at “really. I am.” because I have to talk people into believing how happy I am at times!
Thanks for coming by and sharing in my flaw-ness. Oh…to know I am not alone….
I also have this flaw. To the point that I asked my down-on-one-knee future hubby if this was “for real” after he opened the ring box. I’m just so certain the the floor is gonna drop out under me. That it’ll all be a joke and that everyone I know is gonna pop up, pointing fingers and laughing at how gullible I am and I’ll be on candid camera or AFV. Like all those poor shmoes who got fake winning lottery tickets.
But I can be excited for you! Wahhooooooooooooooo!!!! Sounds like you’re headed on an awesome trip!
I’m thinking that if a guy buys you a for-real-for-real ring, he’s for real.
Thanks for being excited for me! I am so excited….
OK, I’ll do the screaming and jumping up and down FOR you…. Italy??? Hells yeah!!!!!!! My wedding stomping grounds!!! I’m so happy for you, and you have such a sweet & thoughtfull husband
He wants me to tell him where I want to go. I’m like, Uhhhhhh ANYWHERE! So, email me where I need to go. We’ll be train-hopping to see as much as possible in a 2-week period.
This flaw could come in handy sometimes. I don’t have this flaw and my emotions pour out of me in uncontrollable amounts and uncontrollable times. A poker face mine is not. So, I’ll use a lot of exclamation points when I say, WOW!!!! That is awesome!!!!!!!!!
Also awesome is your post which will absolutely let your husband know your true feelings. Your non-reactivity is something he surely is familiar with and even loves about you. You probably stay cool in an emergency and don’t look like a douchebag when you meet someone famous. From where I sit, that’s pretty enviable.
Anyway, Italy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Your exclamation points are totally making me laugh.
2. You are right: I am so cool in emergencies, it is kind of legendary.
3. And no, famous people don’t make me act crazy. I never understood why people ask for their autographs or stand there screaming at them like blubbering cuckoo-heads. They poop and get head colds just like the rest of us.
4. Yes!!! Italy!!!!!!!!
I am on the other “Holy Sh*t! Get that girl a sedative” spectrum and that can be just as awkward and come off as fakeish. Is that a word? No.
Yay on going to Italy!!! I can do my excited dance for you if you like?
I like that: “Fakeish”. I get it. I may use that.
Please, dance away! Maybe it is infectious, this dancey-dance you do?
I as well have an overabundance of emotions, perhaps I could ship you some of mine, there would be plenty left over for me. I feel for you though it must feel awful thinking that the person doesn’t see your apprecation and that they may think you don’t like or care about what they are doing for you. But I am sure that after these 10+ years your hubby knows better than that, and I am sure that he sees how important this was to you or he would not have done it.
I hope you do get over it, just for YOU, but rest assured that those who truly know you probably know it is just the way you are and love you despite (and even because..) of it!!!
Funny, my friend called me up today moments after I posted this and told me – word for word – a simple sentence to make sure Hubby knows how excited I am even I am being so Stupid Kim about it. I repeated this sentence to him and guess what? He knows.
All is well in the world.
As your friend I want to make sure you never find yourself in this situation again. So here is the plan. I am going to convince LL to make my wildest dream come true. You will come over and studiously watch my reaction. Win.win.
You are so generous. What a true friend. Oh! The sacrifices you are willing to make on my behalf!!
as you know I am all rotavirus-y and stuff. So my normal clever commentary and witty banter is not all there. But. ITALY!!!!!!! Awesome!!!!! Oh, how I want to go to Italy…
You know, I bet your hubby knew you were excited, even without your friend’s brilliantly worded sentence of gratitude.
And yes, I am on the freak out jump up and down end of the spectrum. As evidenced my my copious exclamation points.
I’ve always wanted to go, ever since I was a kid. Never been anywhere in Europe, yet I have big fat travel bug in me…so this is awesome. Woot woot!
(was that wooting appropriate??)
I would like to find a way to let you know how thrilled I actually am to hear that other people have this problem, too. But, you know, I lack in the enthusiasm department.
If your husband even reads so much as a quick glance could offer–he absolutely knows how excited your heart is. I’m sure. Congratulations on such beautiful things.
Thanks so much. I’m very excited, and now he knows this.
Maybe, after I write my book and become a better mom and figure out how to make my house not look like a war zone, I’ll make Show More Excitement a resolution for this year.
Thanks for coming by & sharing!
So, … I think I’m on the other end; I get pumped up for a lot of things and then I’m crushed when they don’t turn out. The after-holidays mini-depression is an example… but I have to tell you that reading this made me think of how I “faked it” the last time I was supposed to get excited. My boyfriend and my family were at an event; he and I had just put an offer in on a home and when my phone rang with my realtor’s name showing up, I knew our offer had been accepted. I gushed to her on the phone, and seriously tried to push tears out of my eyeballs when I hugged my bf. I was happy, and, yet, felt like I was pushing too hard. Does that make sense? So, maybe I should’ve played it “cool”?
(AND THEN we ended up not getting the home anyway; the owner didn’t want to repair a few things as we neared the closing date, so we walked away.)
Holy ups and downs! I’m Miss Even Keel, which is totally a self-preservation thing. I got all anxious just reading your experience with the house. Whew. I need to sit down now.
But really, thanks for coming by & sharing!
Maybe we are related! In fact, I come from a family of underwhelming responders. I think it is genetic. I am just the same… I compensate by saying “Thank you” too many times to try to make sure they know I am excited.
I worry that when I DO remember that I am so bad at this, and I try to maintain deliberate eye contact and say Thank You, that I just look like a psychopath. I can’t win.
I must confess, I too have this FLAW. While reading this, I was like “I don’t know this person, how can she be describing me so perfectly? Is this another ‘twin’?” I get excited about things, but I don’t jump around like crazy people. I get upset at sad news, but I don’t cry on command. At times, I often laugh (many times at the wrong times) at everything. That’s how I deal with things. Am I “sick”?
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