Considering that usually people look at me like I’m a horrible woman/complete fool for doing things like calling my Preschooler a slut or accidentally cursing in public in front of strangers, knowing that someone out there actually finds me funny is really really nice. *sniff* You get me. Considering Allison’s little chats with her kids are so relatable to me in their insanity and her palpable frustrations with Motherhood in general *, I kind of feel like we should be neighbors bitching over our fence to each other with a cold beer in one hand and a Lego in the other.
* Note the “WTF?” in her blog title located immediately after the word “Motherhood”, people.
Here are a few people way funnier than me who allow me to read and pee my pants all at once. ** I think that is deserving of this award:
** Man, I love multi-tasking!
Dumb Mommy‘s take on dealing with a rogue lovey made my kids run into the room and ask why I was laughing without them. Or this one about bear poopies (or “penis” to those of us sophisticates) that had me in tears.
You need to see Brenna over at Suburban Snapshots dressed as a grade-school hooker. If you’re one of the, like, 3 people who haven’t read per post about what toddlers & frat parties have in common then get your butt (eyes?) over there, pronto.
Kris over at Pretty All True makes me laugh pretty much daily, but hearing how terrible she is at giving off a sexy vibe gave me a serious case of The Giggles.
I want to follow the NDM around just to see what she’s like when people wonder who is that girl in the sexy mumsy smock at the wine bar?
Rants From Mommyland has the best give me back my phone, kid! story I have heard in a long time. Making friends, Voicemail Style.
ONE MORE THANK YOU
(And a Welcome…Not “You’re Welcome” but…um…Just “Welcome”)
Speaking of gratitude, I’ve been getting much blog love since Kris over at Pretty All True listed me as one of her features bloggers (not just once, but twice). Many new readers have come by to give me a chance to share a story or make them smile, and I very much appreciate the exposure.
So…welcome to my blog, New People. Look around. See if there’s anything you like. Say hello. Because I am totally listening. Er…reading. Yes, I’m reading what you say – I mean, write.
Crikees. I read your comments and will reply to every one. So thoughts? Comment or email me (see addy in sidebar) and you will hear back. Thanks for coming by.
HOLIDAY TRAVEL TIPS v2.0
Before Thanksgiving I was asked by momsicle to offer up some travel tips. I got all OCD and serious. Here are those practical tips, should you be preparing to schlep your offspring all over Creation for the holidays (what fun! what glamour! what a need for booze!).
Since Christmas is all about The Giving, please allow me to share 3 more tips to get you through this busy travel season.
Practical? Well…some may argue they aren’t as necessary as diapers or crayons are.
Helpful? You bet your tushie they are.
Here you go:
Kim’s Other Travel Tips: Family Travel Edition
1. Pack The Hairy Eyeball
If you will see or stay at your kids’ grandparents, prepare your own personal Silent Warning System for the kids. This should consist of both The Eye and a Visual Countdown.
The Eye is a look you give your kids behind the grandparents’ backs to let them know they are misbehaving. The Visual Countdown is something to show your kids so they know if you get to the assigned number they are in BIG trouble.
I’ve been told I have friendly eyes, the kind that make tourists ask me directions and strangers strike up conversations in elevators with me. So I made sure to practice The Eye in the mirror before each trip so as to capture dire warning in the furrow of my brow and glare rather than twinkle in my eye.
The Visual Countdown is either done by teaching your kids how to read your lips or count your fingers as you count down in silence from, say, 3 to 1. If you get to 1? Oh boy.
This is serious business, since yelling at your kids in front of mom or the in-laws is bound to get you passive-aggressively shunned by the elder family members during the holidays. One needs to be able to get the point across to her kids without getting all shouty about it.
This is especially important should you be in undesirable sleeping quarters during holiday travel that ensures you will be ill-rested and sitting on the cusp of your own temper tantrums.
Luckily none of the family members on my side or Hubby’s have homes full of mirrors, so whenever the kids start acting stupid/annoying/aggressive I deftly toss The Eye at the offending child to shut them up. Should they choose to ignore it, they get one more with a bit more eyebrow put into it to make my point. They know that if they ignore me then, The Countdown will begin soon, after which I will soundlessly sweep them from any sort of candy-eating fun they may be having, into the next room for a Time Out in a sucky place and remind them of all the joys of the holidays I can cancel (I totally have Santa on speed dial, people!) if they don’t start acting like semi-civilized little human beings.
No yelling is involved, so no grandparents or sweet elderly doting family members will spend the rest of the day shooting daggers into me from across the room for being Mean Mom. Yet the kids realize that there is a line in the sand of how much crap they can get away with while hopped up on candy canes and frosting.
Mommy is always watching. Never let them forget it.
2. Protect Your Feet From Disgusting People
Pack shower sandals.
Take it from me: you don’t want to let this happen to you. Let my lesson learned be enough for the both of us. Besides, if you’re like me and forgot to bring your own, when you ask at the desk for a disposable pair, they will inevitably give you two left shoes***.
*** True story.
If you think you don’t need them because you’re staying at family’s home, consider that you’ll be showering in the same place Crazy Uncle Earle or that weird boyfriend of your cousin’s will be. Do you trust them to leave the shower floor in pristine condition?
3. Remember That Everybody Poops
Febreeze bathroom spray is now sold in travel size (I found mine at Target), as are tiny spray cans of Lysol disinfectant. Families that eat together, poop together. Like, everyone does it. And when it’s excessive amounts of foods that people don’t normally eat? That porcelain pool can become a stink pit. You know your loud-mouthed Aunt or stupid little brother will announce to everyone in the livingroom that you just pooped if you don’t neutralize the air in there after doing Your Business.
You should also know that other people’s poop stinks, too.
Ever need to sit in someone else’s Poo Fog in a tiny bathroom within earshot of your tipsy family members when you didn’t have enough fiber that day so things aren’t progressing as quickly as you’d like them to?
Ever get stuck sitting at the dangling feet of your kid who has decided not only does he need company while he does His Business, but he does it so slowly you could read the entire 1979 hardcover edition of the Encyclopeadia Brittanica while you wait in afore-mentioned stinky bathroom?
Well, don’t chance it. Pack that Febreeze and keep the tiny loo you’re forced to use as fresh as a field of faux flowers to make a fairly unpleasant trip not as bad as it could be.
Happy Travels. You’re welcome.