I’m a natural blonde.
Perks:
- Free highlights every time I step outside
- No need to pay $80 a month to dye my hair blonde like most of the rest of America
- Ability to skip shaving legs when no one will get close enough to actually touch it
- No real need to start waxing errant facial hair, since what grows there is fine, sheer, and virtually unnoticeable
Cons:
- Also means I am practically Albino, with sunburn-prone, extremely sensitive skin
- I’ve been told every single Dumb Blonde Joke in existence about 384,612 times, every time the teller thinking it would be the first time I heard it (As if.)
- MidLife Facial Hair sneaks up with violent vengefulness like some follicular Guerilla Warfare Attack.
Please allow me to expand on that last bullet.
I expected my pregnancies to have their (temporary) issues. I faced the usual maladies that correspond with growing a uterine parasite (hemorrhoids, painful boobs, fat thighs). I admit I was a little surprised by the bacne (Mr T), and completely caught off-guard by the mutton chops (Miss A).
While pregnant with Miss A, I grew more hair on my cheeks than Wolverine himself.
Similar scruff, only I looked much angrier about it.
Scary.
But alas, I waxed it off, eventually I pushed my child outta me, the hormones waned, my face became a bit more naturally exposed to the elements, a fur-free relief to all.
Now.
My 35th birthday is coming up in a month.
I am one of those very much annoying adults who celebrate their birthday for a full 7 days (minimally), tossing out reminders of the exact date about one month in advance. I love that fact that I was born plus I love cake. What others reasons do I need to party like it’s 1999 over and over and over again?
I don’t look at birthdays with scorn. Being alive is totally better than the whole ‘dead’ option.
All this “Ain’t life grand?” la-di-dah causes a bit of naiveté on my part regarding the stuff that surrounds actually getting older.
Like aging.
Example:
Last week Hubby and I were looking in our respective bathroom mirrors getting ready in the morning. I was petting my barely perceptible unibrow which I planned to get waxed off soon and said:
Me: “Babe, aren’t you glad I’m a blonde so when I grow facial hair you can’t really see it very well?”
Hubby: (In an all-too-casual tone) “Oh, I see it. I just don’t talk about it.”
Me: (blanching in horror at his sweet yet brutal honesty)
*END SCENE*
Needless to say, when I got to the Wax Lady yesterday I told her about this conversation and demanded she thoroughly inspect every hair follicle on my face for growth. I had my AMEX in hand and wasn’t afraid to use it.
Twenty (painful) minutes later, I no longer looked like this:
Brad Pitt or Kim? I'll never tell....
Pleased that I didn’t have a full beard and Fu Man Chu to top it off, I meet a friend for coffee.
Explaining my relief of appearing more like a Lady than a Homeless Dude, she looked at me, pointed to my upper lip and said “You’re putting Witch Hazel on that, right?”
Upon my blank stare, she explained that when one gets her Lady ‘Stache waxed off there is increased likelihood of breakouts. Zits. Rash. REDNESS.
Today I can already see the tiny bumps forming on my pinkish flesh. I’m getting older and uglier by the minute.
In my youth I neither had acne nor facial hair. It seems I have taken this for granted for too long and am being taught a lession by The Pretty Police.
Now it appears my two options in Life are to walk around looking like a Wookie or pubescent teenaged boy. This doesn’t happen to young girls, this happens to old biddies. Like me.
(Yes, I just realized I’m not young anymore. I’m a bit slow.)
Awesome.
All I wanted to do this week was get my blonde hair trimmed and eyebrows cleaned up (ie: finagle the 1 back into 2) so I could look good for the big holiday party I host this weekend.
Now I feel the need to see whether that natural blonde hair I appreciated for so long has begun growing out of my ears yet.
Isn’t getting older just super?
Off to stock up on a ski mask, Geritol and some Osteo-Flex for the party…….have a great weekend, everyone (she says, while leaning on her walker to wave a weary hand)!
You poor dear.
For a dark brunette of Italian descent, I have very little body hair. I went full on Hippie after college and didn’t touch a razor for a year or so. Was disappointed in lack of leg and armpit hair. Hippie Hair experiment ended when a guy asked me out… off to the store to purchase a razor I went!!
I do however, have one of those cool ‘beauty marks’ on my upper lip. The kind that women fake with eyeliner. Well. It sprouts several long gnarly hairs with super growing powers. As soon as I pluck them, they are poking back through. Gonna get them lasered off before I’m an old lady and scaring my grandchildren.
I’m half Italian so my arms in the sunlight resemble thick fields of wheat. This does not bother me (actually I like that it kinda keeps me warm). But the face? That’s just not fair.
I’m of the dark-haired and increasingly hairy variety. It’s an ugly truth that I have long, thick pointy hairs that sprout from anywhere on my face as if they are playing a neverending game of musical follicles, except that a chair seems to be added every time the music stops.
I’ll be in 9 days. Hoo-rah for us!
Um, I’ll be 34, not *blank*.
Happy birthday to us!! Laser Hair Removal Gift Cards for EVERYONE!!!
First off, when that pic of Hugh Jackman popped up in my feed it had me clicking on your post like no one’s business…
Second off, yes, the one and only time I’ve ever waxed my ‘stache I had a horrible red and bumpy break out for about a week afterwards. Add that to the pain factor involved and Never.Again. I have dark, french-ancestry hair. It’s not pretty.
And I hope you cold-footed hubby out of bed in the middle of the night for that comment!
I’m pretty sure having the Mannish Wife with the red pimple moustache will be pain enough for Hubby. I’m a fright!
Imma gonna have to get my guests plastered tomorrow night then edit the hell outta the party photos so they don’t realize how bad I look. Blech.
We are SOOO twins.
We both mentioned birthdays and Geritol…
We both are thirty-ish…
We both are blonde (OK, fine…so I’m -ish and you’re not. I’m totally pretending that doesn’t bother me at. all.)
We’re both awesome. Like that wasn’t totally obvious.
xoxo Kate
PS Thanks to you I looked all up close-y in the mirror. Super. I didn’t need to discover that. Way to make me *learn* — sigh.
Hm. Maybe I’ll make being old ‘cool’ as my 2011 New Year’s Resolution. Would you like to join me?
(I need to stop looking close-y up in the mirror. Its doing me NO good.)
I am certain that you are not employing hyperbole and that you actually look like Wolverine (who is pretty hot, btw). I’m blonde too and have always taken it for granted. Although my hair has gotten darker over the years, the perks like blonde leg hair are still going strong. But, like you, I also have the sensitive skin part and lately I’ve been having acne issues. WTF?? I never had acne as a kid. Acne added to emerging fine lines, dull luster-free skin, huge bags under my eyes and my daily limp ponytail – I am seriously looking awesome. But, even aging is better than the alternative. It just seems unfair that T is getting more handsome at the same time as I’m turning into an old biddy!
Seriously. Every time I look at how much more handsome Hubby is now than 11 years ago when we met, I want to punch him in the kidney. Its not fair.
I keep thinking that it really is true that men get more “distinguished” when they get older and we just get older. And then the feminist in me wants to punch me in the hair greying slightly more wrinkly face.
just keep swimming recently posted..Mission Impossible – Play Date
Exactly!
Thank you for the much-needed, snorting-out-loud laugh. Because of you, my day is funnier. You rock.
Now I am off to write a sales letter for work. Not as fun as reading your fabulous blog. But it funds the waxing and hair-dying that is necessitated by the sad fact that I also turned 35 recently. And that day, when I looked in the mirror, I was horrified to discovered that I no longer look 30. News to no one but me, I’m sure. But horrifying all the same.
It’s good to know that even though I’m sagging, wrinkling, growing fur and pretty much arthritic weeks before my 35th birthday that at least someone out there thinks I still rock. Many thanks.
Oh…my back aches just writing that. Where the hell’s my Aspercreme and heating pad…??
I am right there with you on the neverending birthday celebrations, even now. And the Brad Pitt pic made me lol for realz.
…was it really Brad Pitt…..?
Just make sure you never, EVER, invest in one of those face magnifying mirrors *shudder*
I’m blonde, so I NEED that awful mirror to help me find my white fur I mean facial hair.
It does not make me happy in any way at all.
So I too am about to turn 35 and being blonde does have it’s advantages. To tell you this all normal you don’t want to hear but for real! I’m a licensed esthetician which means I do facials and wax people for a living! Yeah me!! Anyways ne careful with witch hazel afterwards, it dries the skin out worse. First make sure where you go does NOT double dip the stick that they apply the wax with. You shouldn’t break out if the area is prepped and cleaned properly. Sometimes the skin is sensitive but try to see the same person and go to a reputable place! Love that there’s other that feel my 35 yr old pain!!!
My skin is so sensitive, nothing I try when waxing seems to work. Must just pluck, which is a PITA. Aaarrrgh….
Danm, girl… I thought you were kidding when you told me you were a natural blonde. I’m so f-ing jealous it’s not even funny. I pay for my blonde. And yet I still am the butt of every blonde joke there is (truth be told, I am a bit of an airhead, so I kind of get it). That said, you are lucky, lucky girl. Not too many people in their 30s are still a natural blonde. Most get at least a shade or two darker after having kids.
I know this post was about facial hair, but I got sidetracked.
Steph at The Healthy Mom recently posted..While the cat’s away, the mouse is playing…
Lol – my hair is actually considerably darker than it was when I was younger.
As I was reading your post I had to ask my husband, how old am I? (The math is complicated even for those who aren’t blondes.) As it turns out, I just turned 35 in December. It could be worse. Happy Birthday to you and enjoy your week long celebration!
just keep swimming recently posted..Mission Impossible – Play Date
lol!
This is actually an old post from Dec 2010, but in January I turned 36. So I’m hairy, zitty AND older than you. Sweet.