My husband is dodging me.
I verbally assaulted him last weekend. He actually backed out of the room, looking at me like a crazy person (you know the look: big eyes, brows raised, mouth slammed shut in tight line, arms in T-Rex position as they slowly move in reverse without turning around to see which way to go…).
This is my Totally Reasonable Explanation:
He has been working out for like 3 weeks, and already looks so good from it. It took me a year to make the same kind of progress.
We’ve been together for a decade. I recently looked at pictures of us from the first year. BIG mistake. He was a looker when I married him, but now with a few years, pounds & wrinkles under his belt he is getting even more handsome. I look exactly like someone who bore 2 children, got zits in her late 20’s, then immediately got wrinkles, bought many expensive lotions & appliances to minimize them, and is now getting a slight double chin even after a year of working out regularly got her to the same weight as she was pre-baby #1. In other words? Even with all the efforts, I am going downhill, looking up as I lamely wave to my handsome husband on his rise up.
The worst of it? He’s going gray, and its making him sexy. Sexy! I’m growing 3 frighteningly thick stray hairs on my chin. That would be the opposite of sexy. Sexy is like a spaceship-flight away from what’s going on here.
Good Heavens, this is so not fair. So I yelled at him for being so darn good-looking. Since I’m about to grow a beard, I think I have the right to.