Today is a typical day.
Both kids had Preschool this morning, so I had some free time. I used it to get some groceries at Trader Joe’s & see my therapist.
Sorry, I’m new here so let me start by saying that its been one heck of a 6 months. I’ve always believed that everyone should see a therapist at some point (isn’t everyone screwed up in one way or another? doesn’t every marriage need a referee at some point?). I believe I reached that point recently because, in chronological order:
– In November my father, who was on life support due to Mesothelioma (cancer) for 10 months, decided to have it shut off. He died. His death made a large shift in our family, for many reasons. Mostly because none of his kids had a good relationship with him, making our family quite scattered and a bit complicated.
– In March my mom was diagnosed with Peritoneal Cancer. It was sudden and unexpected.
– During that diagnosis, I found out my father’s sister is in chemo right now for cancer as well. That gives me 3 direct blood relatives with cancer in less than a year. Then I found out that 2 more of my father’s siblings and one of his nieces had it, too. What does this mean for me? I started making doctor’s appointments to inquire about any genetic factor here.
– While preparing for Mom’s treatment I gave my opinion on something, and one of my brothers sent a horribly scathing email to me & then stopped talking to/acknowledging me. Pretty hurtful. Trying to fix this without Mom knowing the depth of it and not inflaming my brother any further? Pretty tricky. (yet so far so good…I think)
– While staring my own mortality in the face, I felt an even stronger push to actually become a writer, finish my book, get published. Yet I don’t know how.
And did I mention I am trying to keep my marriage happy and raise 2 Preschool-aged kids at the same time?
And that I’m in New Jersey and my mom is in Massachusetts? So logistically, I’m kinda all over the place.
But alas, the appointment went really well. I feel the therapist is giving me good advice, good goals. It is definitely helping me. I saw her once in December, and 2x in the past month. This won’t turn into a Woody Allen-type thing, just a temporary support system while I hash through the muck. I do have other, non-certified support.
My friends are helpful, too. Very supportive of my desire to be a writer. This is great, because Hubby doesn’t quite get how big a part of me that writing is. Kind of how the man doesn’t really ‘get’ the whole pregnancy/baby thing until that baby comes out and turns his world upside down. The baby needs to be in his hand for him to really know it. But we, the mothers, know this baby even when she is inside. She whispers secrets to us and we trust what she says. This is how I feel about writing. I am not in a good routine of writing my short stories, of adding to my book. But the characters swim in my mind, they talk to me and each other, they remind me that they are real and waiting for me to get pen to paper (or finger to keyboard). They trust I’ll know them when I see them, and I am steady in my confidence that they are mine.
But Hubby doesn’t live in my head, and he is not a reader. So I want to get this Book Baby out of my head and into his hands so he can see what I have to offer.
When I chose his wedding band in 2003, I had something written on the inside. Something for him, from me. A promise. It simply states: “I will make you proud”. He makes me proud to be his wife so often. I’ve just been this caretaker person in the house for years, and I want to show him what I can do outside the home. I want him to see what’s living in my brain, bursting to come out. He’s not a reader, which I completely understand, and honestly he may try to read my book some day because he loves me. But I think what would really strike him is to see someone else be touched/entertained/amused/impressed by my writing. For him to witness a third party, someone who is, in fact, A Reader, enjoy what I wrote is a goal of mine. And I think it would make him proud.
Now, to achieve this goal amidst all the hubaloo I’m dealing with just in day-to-day life? This is a challenge.
Since today is a typical day, I’ll now log off, make a cup of coffee (God bless you, Keurig!), watch a DVR’d episode of Justified and rest for 30 minutes before packing the kids into the wagon and walking to a playdate down the block. Ahhhh…..the thrilling and enviable life of a SAHM.